Tuesday, October 12, 2010

10.12.10 Dear Body


Dear Body,

Hi. Hey guess what? It’s probably neither one of us causing this weight gain…it’s the fricken medication. It’s not my thyroid, it’s the abilify. Huh…I mean, I knew that had a lot to do with it. Here’s the best part…there is actually a different med that helps counteract the weight gain. I’m on it now. It’s been deemed medically necessary by my regular doctor to do something about my weight. How shameful is that? Jeesh. Anyways, I feel and look large. And where the hell was this drug earlier and why in the hell have I spent 3 years fat? I can’t simply get off of my abilify either. It’s my maricle drug. I’m normal on it. Now, this next statement that I’m going to make comes from a person with an eating disorder BUT, I’d rather have this weight gain than go without abilify. It’s made that much of a difference in my life. So, see body, YOU and I are on the same page for once. Yeah for us. I feel like this is what we needed to finally bond. God, is that the wrong way to bond? Probably.
Uuugh. It’s only 5 in the morning. I woke up to a body dream. Yes, body, I was dreaming about you. I was dreaming that I was trying on these cool dresses and I had my body back. I was so happy in my dream. Then I woke up to myself feeling my hipbones. I was lying in such a way that my hip bones were sticking out (ha, I must have been almost at an angle of something) The tv was on and it was a info-commerical for some weight loss system. Then I switched the channel and it was a commercial for a workout. Switched channels and another info-commerical for some garment that slims you by X inches. That’s why I am up writing to you my new found friend (see how we can get along when it’s not either of our fault?).
Seriously, I’m just giddy because I lost X lbs already since I’ve taken my new med. I’m trying to treat you better also my friend. I quit all the stupid nonsense about smoking. Long story there but decided that XXX (my daughter) deserved me to not dabble in the nicotine dept. I’m not a hypocrite any longer with the smoking. I didn’t mean to do that to you and harm you. I just got my addictive crap going. I feel like it’s all back under control again. Whew.
I’m going to be starting a detox cleansing thing this week. Does that sound a little eating disordered? I don’t think so. I am ready to detox my body/colon and start my body down the detoxed road. I plan to start it this week sometime. Just making sure it doesn’t mix wrong with my medications. I’ll explain more later on this week and blog about it. I’ve always wanted to fully try a detox colon cleanse so I’m excited to do it. I don’t feel it’s ed running the show. It’s me running the show. Which doesn’t always mean that it’s the right thing to do. But It’s not ed telling me to do it. I am hoping that it helps with the weight department a little. We’ll have to see, won’t we?
Well body, I shall write to you my friend soon. I’ll try to knock off the false friendship attitude, although I do feel better about you knowing it’s not you betraying me with gaining weight. I just want to get back down to normal. Yes, really normal, not eating disordered normal. I think I can do it this time.
Until later,
Love, XXX