UPDATE almost 10 years later after my last past.
I have always loved my DearBody blog as writing letters to my body was so essential to my eating disorder recovery but boy oh boy what happened just 4 months after my last post almost 10 YEARS AGO that I foreshadowed in that last post in May 2011 sent me into the next decade of hell that is unimaginable and changed my life as I know it and still live today. It also set me up with a new body journey that I plan to write a new blog soon. But here is what has happened since that last post...
First, I was NOT wrong with why worries in May 2011. YES, my now EX-husband was having an affair(s) and YES, he was planning on leaving me (bank records show he started planning in JanFeb 2011) and did while alienating me from my daughter on September 22, 2011 with the the use of false Order of Protections and false accusations to get immediate custody which he continued in beyond extreme ways to continue the next 9 straight years of more severe false OFPs and more extreme serious disturbing false allegation until last January 2020 when the courts finally stopped him from filing anymore OFPs and other false charges. I only saw my daughter a few supervised hours but finally saw her once about 6 months ago after 7 YEARS straight of no contact with my little girl who is not little anymore and will be turning 16 next month. It was inconsolable grief and she will live the rest of her life coming to terms of the abuse and trauma she suffered at the hands of her own father. It’s not over for either one of us but having that visit with her 6 months ago and stopping the false OFPS is hopeful and finally a step in the right direction to our reuniting hopefully one day soon that I still wait for her to reconnect with me again. Regardless to say my last decade was spent every day fighting as a pro-se lawyer on top of the 5 lawyers that all resigned saying this case was too complicated and outside of their legal scope of practice. That happens when there is a corrupt head family court Judge that until 6-1/2 years later and she left our case to become a Supreme Court Judical and I finally got my first fair hearing and finally got to cross examine this father that started the turn around in the courts and they finally stopped him. But still hasn’t gotten back my daughter yet. That story still continues...
The rest is the journey of my body and my recovery.
At the time when I last posted in May 2011 I had been writing letters to my body since 2008 while I had been inpatient the 2nd time from mostly being anorexic then to be more specific later got diagnosed as bulimic non purging type meaning I purged my calories by restricting them. The eating disorder world has evolved so much since I first went into treatment back in 1999 and there seems to always be new diagnoses along the way. While I was writing my DearBody blog I had spent my time living tapped in a body I wasn’t used to and had gained a large amount of weight after being put on medication XX and was frustrated as hell that all my ED tricks didn’t work a damn and I could not lose the weight and kept gaining no matter what I did and it was literally the best thing that could had every happened to me but trust me I didn’t believe so at the time. But I had to learn to live in a body that NO I DIDNT LIKE and at the time while I hated every second of it I had to figure out a way to endure it and accept it that I know I was NOT really accepting it but I had to learn to be nice to myself and that’s when I created my DearBody blog and it set the foundation of my actual recovery that who knew would serve me all the years down the road later and where I am now today. I would say all the years of every kind of ED treatment and my DearBody blog got me as far as I could possibly get in recovery UNTIL THE DAY YOUR OWN CHILD IS KIDNAPPED THROUGH THE COURTS BY HER OWN FATHER and NOW something is more important than a eating disorder and ur life instantly changes and immediately repriotizes your life in a instant and that’s were recovering becomes RECOVERED in one second... and 12 years of every kind of intense therapy there was. Shortly after my nightmare began I went off that medication and within X months the weight disappeared but the lessons I learned while living in a body I never thought imaginable never disappeared and in fact 7 years later I took recovery into a new journey with just that....
As I stated earlier there was that point with ex that turned in the courts that changed everything but the 3 years it took until the courts finally stopped him were so filled with stress and anxiety mixed with the remaining most severe court cases/hearings caused me to start gaining weight again and no longer was I grocery shopping or cooking my own meals and started into running to the connivence store or picking up fast food as I DIDNT HAVE TIME because I was trying to finish putting this overall court case together that 5 lawyers couldn’t do to stop the hell from continuing on with my daughter.. and for the first time in my life I didn’t care I was gaining weight or how much I gained and didn’t try to lose weight. While it wasn’t particularly the healthiest thing for me to do and I proved I still have some left over black and white thinking it literally was impossible to do those last 3 years until he was stopped with that amount of anxiety that I couldn’t balance taking care of my body until it was finally over so I embraced it in a new way and decided to experiment with loving myself at being in this unfamiliar body the second time around as the weight gain compared to when I weighed XX from the time I weighed this much from the medication XX I was on. These last 3 years have been so important to healing as a human and learning to finally love myself as a whole person where I can be at any weight and realize that others will love me at any weight too. It has broadened me into becoming the most well rounded healthiest mindset I have ever had of myself. Notice I said most healthiest MINDSET I could be... because along with this healthy mindset the weight also caused me to have to go on high blood pressure medication. So the journey continues to now lose the weight that has caused me high blood pressure. Still a little black and white thinking because it took me until the ex was stopped and I finally saw my daughter 6 months ago after no contact for 7 years to finally be ready to go on this journey to lose the weight and the last 6 months to plan on how I am doing to do this with falling back into eating disorder ways. I found my plan on how to do this after a lot of careful planning and thinking that will work the best for me so I won’t be triggered to start restricting and although I have had a bumpy start and have had to stop and retry a couple of times because it made me fall right back to what landed me into ED therapy 23 years ago that YES, surprised me and scared the living crap out of me to go through what I fought so hard to recover from I believe now I finally got it and for the first time ever my goal is not to lose weight... it is to get off my high blood pressure medication which is a lifetime goal to have to never be on it for as long as I live. And yes, I plan to start a new blog about it.
