Friday, December 31, 2010

Testing a Blog Hop

Dear XXX,
I think you should read other people blogs on recovery and get and stay focused on recovery. Therefore, I'm setting up a Blog Hop for you to join. I'm not completely a computer type, therefore I do not really know what I am doing but I fake it well and can usually figure out this stuff just fine when it comes down to it because I'm just as stubborn as you are and will sit at the computer figuring it out until it gets done. YOU are a creative person though and have a graphics background and like to create so with our stubborness and your creativity we can figure out this blog hop.
Excuse the mistakes along the way here as I'm figuring this out. But enjoy learning about other's blogs.
Love, Your Body

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I have a lot to babble about right now!

Dear Body,
So…I didn’t have much to eat today at all. Maybe a ½ a sandwich. I kind of did the “bypassing hunger” which I rarely do anymore from my “old days” of the old days of ED. Then I compulsively decided to have 2 drinks. For no real reason. I got excited for a creative reason of all things. I can’t even explain it because I don’t think others will understand it. I’m sure if you’re creative and you’re about to start a project you know what I’m saying but for the most part I don’t think will understand. Regardless, there wasn’t a reason but I just now realized that I had a lot of anxiety that I didn’t know what to do with. It was uncontainable. I had to contain it and I knew alcohol would do the trick. The 2 drinks did it. Right or wrong…it did the trick. I don’t want anymore. I am done drinking. Don’t feel like getting drunk or anything. Just needed to take off the anxiety edge. What can I do to take that off without the drinking? Shit, what have I done for the last 8 years when I didn’t drink? I guess I didn’t sleep and I freaked out. Hmmm.

A bit a go, I noticed my husband walking in and out of the kitchen eating. I am sure I’m hungry but since I’ve fucked up my eating today I can’t tell if I am hungry or not and am just numb with my hunger. I watched him awhile go in and out of the kitchen, getting this and that to eat, and just watched and noticed that he was eating. And that I was not. I’m sure I was hungry but I was not feeling it. I should of ate at this point, but I just didn’t want to and welcomed the empty feeling. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this and I miss it. It’s like coming home. I wish it could be like this forever. It’s like taking cocaine. Something that doesn’t seem dangerous when you are doing it but it’s so inviting and enticing to the taste. I should say to my taste because I know some won’t understand just how mouth watering that feeling is. Nothing beats it.

I did have something that was going to replace it though…not really replace it but give me something to do. I wanted to have sex. Granted we had sex this morning but for me, that’s just fine. I have no problem in this department with keeping up. Sorry if that’s too much TMI. I was thinking about saying something about it and then the husband got up off the couch, went back into the kitchen and made yet another thing to eat. I watched him as he walked out and kind of laughed. He caught me looking at him, with a smirk on my face and asked what? I said, it’s funny because you wanted something and got food and wasn’t thinking about sex. I also wanted something, probably wanted food but instead said I wanted sex. Hell, I don’t know what I’m trying to say here and I may of gotten it wrong…but there is something here in this statement and I’m not sure what it is.

I have so much to write and don’t know if I’ll get to it all. I don’t even know who I’m writing this to. It’s not really to any of you. Not you body, or Ed, or myself. It’s not my husband for sure because I read this the first paragraph and I KNOW he only listens so he doesn’t hurt my feelings and really thinks I’m too much…and not too interested. Maybe it’s to my therapist. because there isn’t anyone else “in” me. High five to me for realizing that I don’t have multiple personalities. God, seriously…it’s a diagnosis that I DON’T have. This reminds me that now have in the medical records of having seasonal disfefective disorder. No biggie to me. That’s the least of my problems. I’m only mentioning it because I got one of those “lights” to help me deal with my depression. Wow, what a difference this has made in a few short days. Seriously. Totally got to recommend it to anyone with depression or SAD. Regardless, I don’t know who I’m writing this to, but perhaps DearBody. YOU could use it for the good and find something good out of it.

I went to an EDA meeting tonight. When it was xxx’s turn to talk she was so motivating. She threw away all her clothes that didn’t fit and totally bought a whole new wardrobe with clothes that fit because she deserves it! What an inspiration. I needed to see that recharging with someone to get me recharged with my own recovery. It was enlightening and inspiring and refreshing to hear someone say that they deserve to dress nice and look good. I think it’s great. Now, I’m not there yet. Sorry body… .I’m not BUT I like that attitude and can appreciate it. It feels great to hear it. I feel like I can get there IF I lose weight. Man…I’m going BACKWARD with my eating disorder recovery. I took one ass gigantic step backwards that size of the United States. Damn. But at least I am positive with recovery and believe that I CAN get there. I believe WE can get there and I. Together. It’ll take the two of us together to do this. To move ED out and shut him up for good. Geez, that sounds good, doesn’t it?

In group yesterday I talked about how I have quit living life because of my weight. I’ve quite going places and quite seeing people and quite doing things all because of my weight. I know I’ve done this for the last 2 years but really the last 6 months have been really bad and especially the last month it’s been very bad. It’s not me. It’s not who I am. I am not someone to quit living life. Really, I don’t know who I am anymore. Or I’ve gotten that far enough away from me that I don’t recognize myself anymore. On many levels. Body…I’ve never recognized you because I’ve never lived with a body like you before. I’m XX lbs heavier than I’ve ever been and I don’t even know what to do with you. Sorry. I’m more just being honest with you than accepting you. I’m not rejecting you but I’m not accepting you. I guess I’ve been keeping numb. No shit.

I’m tired of talking now. We’ve upped my meds that counteract my Abilify because it’s not causing me to lose weight *(yet). I still have hopes. High hopes. Oh, Dear Body of mine… please help me out and do what you can do and I will keep on “keeping on” even though I’m really tired.

Love, XXX

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Body,
Bummer, I was trying to copy and paste a conversation a friend and I were having on facebook and I can't copy it. We were talking about how Ed is ALWAYS there in our heads. Hers is really loud and she screams back at it and I told her to try to change her relationship with ED. Looking back years ago that is how I started my journey with recovery. God, it was sooo long ago. I barely remember the first stages but it was doing what I am trying to do with you now body. Trying to have a conversation and building up the tools to communicate with you and figure US out. This mornings conversation was what I needed to know that I'm on the right track here by writting YOU. This IS what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm on my way out of hell I think. I believe I'm being led (blindly let me tell you!) by my HP here. I don't know how much of that I'll get into right now but God does have a part here. HE's put the people in my life, the programs in my life, the situations in my life for me and I'm trying to take those opportunities and take the good out of them and use the good for what it's intended for. I feel blessed in a way. Who would of thought that I'd feel blessed from my eating disorder? Hmmmm, never thought of that before until now. Anyways, here's the ending what I wrote about the conversation I had with my friend.

It just kind of ends (the conversation) but I got out of it what I needed. I remember those early days of recovery and Ed constantly yelling in my head at me. That sucked. I mean, don't get me wrong..this sucks now, but now at least I know how how control parts of this fucked up disease. What a mental mind fuck it is. Unless you have it, you can't understand it. I don't hear much about this part of an eating disorder. No one seems to talk about the constant chatter that is going on inside our heads and how chatotic it really is and what we do to shut it off. No wonder why we listen to it because it's always there! Even in the midst of years of recovery, it's still THERE. Just thankfully quieter. Maybe that is why I am so noise sensitive. I hate noises. It's too much for me. I get very agitated and irritated with the child and husband who are playing too loud or making certain noises, etc. I just can't handle another noise going on. I need quiet. Even my quiet isn't quiet. Ed is there, keeping me company. Good ole' Ed. Quite the loyal "friend" ain't he? NOT.
Love, XXX

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Dear XXX,
You have ignored me for a long time now. You haven’t paid me any attention. What do you expect when you aren’t taking care of me? I need YOU to take care of me. Only YOU can do it. I’m not punishing you how you think. You’ve gained a lot of weight, yes…because you’ve simply taken in more calories than you burned. But don’t think it’s all your fault. You are on a lot of medications and you already know that the ablilify hasn’t helped you keep your weight down. But you haven’t been helping the situation any. You have been overeating. Not following your food plan. Not exercising. Not drinking water. Not taking care of me. You’ve fallen into a deep depression for close to 2 months and although this is not totally your fault you have not used the tools that you’ve learned in therapy to help you out of your depression. You know what to do and yes, it’s hard to do it when you’re depressed, but you need to keep pushing forward. Congrats on getting out of your depression though. That was tough this time. Please take the time while your feeling better and make a plan to help you next time you fall into the dark again.
I love you,
Your Body

Dear Body,
Sorry. It’s been so long since you’ve talked to me. You are right, I haven’t taken care of you. But I’m trying again. I am sorry for not taking care of you. I know that it’s only me and there is no one else to do so. That is what threw me in depression I think this last time. I need to take care of you, so YOU can take care of me. Don’t ask me why but this shouldn’t be complicated. I am 41 after all. I should know that we need to take care of each other to make it through this life. I know I don’t want to fight you anymore. That I KNOW. Did I think I had to ignore you in order to not fight with you? I don’t know how to answer that. Maybe. But I can’t ignore you because I just can’t. That doesn’t get me anywhere. That’s gotten me XX lbs heavier. It’s not even about the weight (hello??? This is ME talking! LOL). It really isn’t. It’s about feeling good about myself and I just haven’t felt good about myself for so long now. For the last few years it HAS been about weight but I really didn’t have to complain too much. NOW, I have to complain because I’ve never weighed this much in my life. I mean EVER. Not even near... by XX lbs. I know it “sounds” like it’s about the weight still, but it isn’t. Anyways, you know what I’m saying and I don’t really have to explain it all that much to you but I do feel the need to have to explain it to other people for some reason. Except I don't really talk about it. I just blog about it. I still have to get it off my chest even though I don't talk about it. It helps to talk, regardless if no one is listening. I need to talk and talk and talk just to get it out. Gotta go…more later. Thank you for telling me you love me.
Love, XXX

Friday, December 17, 2010

Dear Body


Dear Body,
Jesus…I don’t even know what to say, I’m so disassociated with you that I managed to gain xx lbs without batting an eyelash. WTF? Only in my pregnancy have I weighed this much. I am officially fat. For real. I’ve been in a deep depression for 1 ½ months now. I am the only person I swear that gains in depression. I wish I lost like most. I don’t. I am never normal. Jeeze.
The actual reason that has gotten me to write finally is not because of you my dear body, nor me (still separating us!) or ED. It’s my daughter. There has been 2 weight related things that have happened in the last few days with her that have been bothersome. Things that I don’t believe a 5 yr old should be exposed to yet.
The first one; Yesterday morning, I walked my kindergarten daughter down the hallway in the morning and we walked past her gym teacher and my daughter says to me, “She’s lost weight.” I said, “WHAT?” She said, “she’s thinner.” I asked her, “Did she say that to you or did someone else tell you that?” and she said, “I noticed”. WTF?
The second one; This morning, she was playing with a dollie and said, “she is thin because she is eating good food” and it took all of my ED recovering strength to not want to scream out “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “GOOD” FOOD or “BAD” FOOD".
I am also going to make my first political statement that I have ever made. But this Obama obesity thing is going in the wrong fucking direction. First of all, she (the doll) is NOT thin because she is eating “good” food” Second of all there is NO such thing as “good” food or “bad” food.
God dang….is this what she’s being taught in school? Am I making this into a big deal? I’m going to talk to her about this. I shouldn’t assume. But she’s 5….she’s being guided somehow cuz she can’t comprehend this herself can she yet? Fuck, maybe she just has my genes. I’m paranoid now.
Love, XXX