Friday, September 24, 2010

9.23.10

Dear Body,


Again, it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I don’t even know where I left off. Did I mention that I was drinking and smoking? Not a lot. I don’t feel that I’ve been too excessive over it and have talked it out with many therapists and people about my “using” streak that I am on. I’m really not over concerned about it but I’m also not dumb and know the risks that I am taking. I went almost 9 yrs without drinking and 8 years without smoking. I'm still scratching my head at that. Now, the food part on the other hand is back under control and has been for awhile. BUT how can that be when I went and weighed myself a few weeks back and found out that I’ve gained XX lbs this summer. So, I had to get honest and look at my eating. Now, I’m eating actually pretty well. Very slight restriction and/or slight over eating, no binging but yet I gained so much weight. I made an appointment to see my family physician because I first need to rule out my hypothyroidism. Which I haven’t gotten back the tests yet. However, the fact that I’m on Abilify and have had a steady increase of weight points to that too. Let’s not throw in the eating disorder part. It’s all fucked. But I’m ruling out the thyroid problem and thankfully today I went back to my psychiatrist to let him know the situation. He thinks it’s also the Ablify too and thankfully prescribed me something else that counteracts the weight gain. HELLO…why have I been living with this extra weight on me if there was something they could give me a long time ago. Granted they don’t give out this stuff to eating disordered patients very easily but as my family doctor stated, this is becoming medically necessary because I had high blood pressure and last time I went in I had borderline high cholesterol. Basically I’m a walking time bomb. I’m not bitter about me finally getting on this though because what I’ve endured with my weight these last 3 yrs have been a weird blessing in disguise. I haven’t been able to lose weight and there for quit working on the inner things that mean more to me than what looking on the outside is like. I think if I would of lost the weight I still would be struggling with these inner demons. Regardless, I am happy now that I’m on this new med now and have this fake false hope that all will be fine.
I borrowed a friend’s food plan. I wanted to compare her food plan to my plans that my nutritionist had given me and hers was considerably less. So of course, I am using hers. I tweaked it a bit to fit my foods that I like such as protein in the morning vs. a grain. Even being okay with combining my breakfast and lunch intro brunch. For some reason NOW I feel like I can follow a food plan where the last year I have struggled with the business of doing so. Don’t ask me why…but just like that, this makes sense to me again. I get tired of the past food plans because it’s always too overwhelming because it feels like too much. Let’s just put it this way, her plan was better than mine and seems doable, so that’s what I’m trying to do. Yesterday was a success at following it but I still woke up in the middle of the night a few times and ate (but counted the exchanges because I was short during the day). I have to work at getting my plan right and eating everything on it and trusting that I can lose weight on this. It worked for my friend…so of course, it’s gotta work for me, right;) ? Anyways, I have to follow this to rule out the part of me doing what I can here. If it’s the thyroid then the doctors will have to adjust the meds and my psychiatrist already adjusted my new med and then my part is to follow my food plan.
Sorry for babbling on…I’m trying to figure this all out as I go along and right now this seems doable and hopeful and although I’ve been avoiding you body because I’m disgusted at my weight, therefore I am disgusted at you and it makes me sad. It’s like I haven’t visited my new friend in a long time. I’m waiting for you to respond to me because you haven’t wanted to for many months now. I haven’t treated you very well again and I am sorry. Mentally, I’ve been a lot nicer to you than I have in the past and I hope you can recognize that. I haven’t beaten myself up over you too much and still working on trying to accept you. Maybe you can write me a letter once the doctor gets back to me about my thyroid, blood pressure, cholesterol and overall blood work. You know more than I do at this point….maybe that’s why you aren’t talking to me. Sorry for ignoring you again and not physically treating you the way I should. I’m trying though. I’m really trying. We’ll get this figured out. I’m hopeful for once.
Love, XXX

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Dear Body,
I feel like this is a very important letter to you. Okay….first of all, I have gained XX of lbs this summer. I’m pissed. I don’t know if this is YOU or me. I see I’m still separating us. Which for now is fine again. I’m a little scared because is it diabetes? Is my thyroid all gone (I have hypothyroidism)? Is the metabolism even worse than when I got tested (was poor). What the fuck? I’m actually more scared of my health than my weight now because this weight gain is a lot….in a little bit. We aren’t talking “normal” weight gain either. I know when you are sick you lose a lot of weight really quick but what about gaining a lot of weight really quick? Something is wrong. There is NO way that I eat that much. I’m really freaked that it’s not going to quit. Quit gaining that is. Too much anxiety that goes with that thought. If it’s me who’s eating too much (this is impossible to gain this much weight in this short period of time) then let me know that. If it’s YOU, let me know that. I overeat now and then, but this is ridiculous. I guess you know by now that I weighed myself. I haven’t seen these numbers since I was pregnant. Yes, that crossed my mind too. Unless I’m one of those people that have been getting their period, yet preggers, then something is medically wrong.
I went to go visit an old house mate from my inpatient treatment tonight. She’s back in. This time in a more hospital setting. It wasn’t really eye opening for me, except for her talk about the 9 yr old in there having treatment and which hit me. Sad. Anyways, the talk that I had with her WAS eye opening for me, probably to myself more than her. I told her that I told my therapist that I’m so afraid of gaining weight that I’d rather stay where I am now than be low and regain some weight. That terrifies me so much. That I really want to lose weight but I am not willing to do it in the manner that I have in the past. That I reminisce about the good ole’ days but they really weren’t that good. That I don’t want to go down that road for the 100th time. That I don’t want to land back in inpatient because I’m not willing to put my daughter nor husband through the trauma of it. That I am tired of the game of it all. I think I’m done. Really. I toy with the idea of using symptoms and being very thin and using symptoms and having to gain the weight and using symptoms and crashing and burning and going into treatment every 1 ½ yrs and having a “episode” of my borderline personality disorder crap which gets triggered by the weight. I’m so done. This time it is much deeper than previous. Even though I am soooo miserable by my weight, I don’t want to take the short cut and end up in the same place I’ve been. This is a hard lesson that I’m learning and I guess I gotta go through it no matter how hard of a deal it is. Damn. I’ll get my weight down again to a NORMAL weight for my height again. It’s me not giving up. Oh yes, I told my friend tonight which was very eye opening that when I’ve been at my thinnest, I was more embarssed than I am now (at my heaviest). I have to ponder that thought and sit on it for awhile and let it soak in because there’s some healing in those words/thoughts. I’m trying to be truthful and I was while talking to my friend tonight. But I think I have a little further to go with truthfulness. I just feel like I’m numbing some stuff out. Man, I need to do a 4th step. I’m helping with a step study in October and feel like it will give me some help in my being honest and cleaning up abit.
You know….I was talking to my twin sister about stuff (recovery without actually talking about recovery) and she said, “maybe you need to get away from ED people” because it’s my life. I need to tell her that maybe she needs to get away from her tri(athalon) people because it’s HER life. I haven’t said it but that’s my response. I could go on about that but it’s too much energy for me. She doesn’t understand but if I put it in her words, she would. I just haven’t gotten there with saying it. In time it’ll happen. I just don’t have the energy to put it out there. That’s okay…it’ll happen as it happens.
Anyways BODY, please don’t betray me and have me go through something healthwise that I don’t need to go through. If it’s me…let it be known. I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday and I’m sure I’ll be writing about it. I’m not ready to get weighed in front of others (nurse) or for my doctor to say to me again “have you ever tried to lose weight” OR “YOU have an eating disorder?”. It makes me want to cry with what they are going to say. I fear that MORE than I fear the result of my tests. At least they’ll test for everything because I’ll tell them I’ve gained XX pounds during this summer. Fucking weight. I don’t feel like getting mad at you even if you’re putting me through some health scare. It’s probably not your fault. It’s probably me. I feel like it’s me but I can’t tell what I really feel or what it really is because I feel innocent in the situation to a point. Maybe some of it’s me, but not THIS much. Okay. I’ll quit worrying about Tuesday and the doc. Appointment. For tonight anyways.
Love, XXX

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Dear Body

9.6.10

Dear Body,
I came to a realization tonight. I am not angry. That’s how I use to lose weight…by getting angry. I don’t know how to lose weight without being pissed off. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been these last 3 yrs and ironically I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve been in the last 3 years. I just finally put 2 and 2 together. When I’m angry, I can lose because I restrict. I’m too mad to eat. I’ve always been like that. That part I know. But tonight I just thought “how can I get this weight off of me” and I thought, “get mad”. But the thing is, I don’t have the energy in me anymore to get that mad. Maybe because I’m not that mad. I am not angry anymore. I am actually happy. Well, except for my weight.
I’ve been back in the ignoring stage with you. Sorry. I can’t get myself to face you because I don’t like how you look. God, isn’t that the meanest thing I have ever said? That is exactly how I don’t want to be. I don’t like that within me. I’m not someone who does that to other people, so why do I do it to myself? I’m sorry that I’ve been mean to you in that way.
I kind of knew this, but for some reason it’s really clear to me. I am totally separated from you. You are your own identity. I talked to this with my therapist. I told him that my “body” has a identity. Actually, just like ED, you are a male. Don’t ask me why. But when I think of you, my body, I give you the male persona. Don’t mistake that that I think I’m male in anyway. I’m all girl….but my persona for you is male. Maybe I need to change perspective and look at you female. I realize this all sounds wacky, but it’s true. I don’t think I can even say this to my husband. He’d think I was nuts (probably more than he does anyway). This morning I did ask him if he ever has separated his body from himself. He looked at me like I was crazy and then said, “no, not once.”
Perhaps if I looked at you as female, I would think of you in a softer, genteler way. Maybe I can start making us one if you were female. Ha, considering I AM female, I should look at you in a female way. Then we can maybe become friends, which is what I want. Shall I give you a name? Does that sound too crazy? I don’t know..but I do know that this has something to do with keeping separated from you and I don’t want to be separate any longer. I want us to be one. How it should be. I guess that’s how it should be, I am guessing because we’ve never been one in the past nor in my entire life.
All these months from not writing to you I have only periodically thought of you. It’s just too hard to think of you and look at you because you are too heavy. It doesn’t mean I hate you though. I’m over the hating you part since last year or so. Again, ironically because I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I just need to do more work with you and get us on the same page. We did well for awhile and then I don’t know what happened. I’m ready to start working with you again though. I kind of miss you. It was really starting to work for me when I was regularly talking to you. I just have to keep my relationship up with you and keep trying to mend it and repair what I can.
My daughter starts school on Wed. I’m excited for her. I decided that when she goes off to kindergarten each day that I will go to the gym. I have always felt much better physically as well as mentally when I am regularly exercising and am excited to start on my new workout plan. This is also the longest I have ever gone without working out in my lifetime. Barely this summer have I done my regular walking/gym work that I have always done in the past. I want to take care of you physically and keep you in good health. I’m done some stupid things to you in the past few months and it’s just not right to treat you that way. I need to get you to start moving again and start feeling strong. I miss feeling strong. It’s been a few years since I’ve felt strong. I’ve felt thin many times but it’s been many years since I’ve felt strong. I’m going to start lifting weights a bit too to keep up my muscles. The last time my weight was low I am sure most of my muscles deteriorated along with my weight. I have so far to go to get my muscles back in shape. But what the heck…I’m ready for this change. It’s not about the weight loss (okay, of course my hope is the extra weight will come off) but it’s about getting strong and getting healthy. Things are going to work out…it’ll be okay. I think things are going to be okay if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It’s time for me to reconnect with you. The girl “you”. I’m tempted to give you a name but I feel too silly doing that. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll end up doing it. I guess when I’m thinking of you as a male I think of my past and the males I know/knew and how I got treated. Currently my husband is the only person in my life that has been kind to me regardless of the weight and loves me for who I am despite all my flaws. He’s committed to me for life and he just sees me differently than any other guy has seen me. Maybe he sees the real me and not me plus my body. Maybe that’s how I got to separate myself from you in the first place. Not totally true because I remember being separated from you since I was a little girl, but it defiantly shaped my last 20 years with you. Sorry for that. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t have the empowerment within to tell these male influences in my life to FUCK off and that I was fine the way I was. Things were different back then and I just didn’t have the power inside of me to think that maybe I was more than just how my body was. Which by the way, back then just perfectly fine.
Well, I could go on and on about how it WAS but I’m more interested in what I’m going to do now to change this. I believe it’s empowering that I want to change and that feels good. I think I have it in me to start believing new thoughts about you, my body. I am just so bombarded by the past and how it’s been between you and I from my perspective. You know…I NEED to think of you as a woman because it’s the only way I can for sure get rid of past messages from guys. If you are me, then you are a woman. And you look at me through a woman’s eyes, not a males eyes. Oh…I’m not male bashing by the way but most of the men I knew placed appearance before everything. In fact even my own mother seemed to. I really learned that I had to look a certain way to be loved. From my mother to an x husband, I was only worthy of their love when I looked how they wanted me to. How could I of won? I couldn’t…You as my body became my worst enemy. I learned to hate you because it was you who made those I loved not like me. This is just the tip of the iceberg….what’s underneath this all? This is one of those A-ha moments in therapy.
Time to go,
Love, XXX