Thursday, February 25, 2010

2.25.10 Dear XXX

Dear XXX,
I have been quiet, but there is something I want to say to you right now. I want you to try to practice Radical Acceptance on the size of me. Think “Everything should be as it is” You’re right here, right now and I am meant to be this size right now. Perhaps for a lesson that you need to learn with ED.
“Everything is as it should be”. Accept this in your mind/heart/body. Accept this by starting to let go. Let it go in your hands, arms, chest, back, legs, calves and feet.
You can’t change something you can’t accept.
If you want to change me, you need to accept me as I am right now. Right now I am meant to be this size.
It is what it is. You are okay the way you are.
You can change me by practicing willingness by doing just what is needed. Going for your workout, eating your meal plan, by not overeating or binging, by being nice to me, going to bed at night, showing gratitude and thanking God for what you have.
If you listen very carefully to your wise-mind and act from your inner-self you’ll know what to do.
It works when you work it. It really does. Do what ever will bring you peace. Try to tolerate your distress about me. Let go of fighting reality. I am the size I am and it really is okay. I am meant to be this size right now. Tolerate the moment. Acknowledge what is.
Every time you try to accept me, willfulness shows up and stops you from accepting me. Turn your mind and make a inner commitment to accept me. It will turn you towards a road. There will be a fork in the road. It IS a choice.
To accept me does not mean you will stay at this weight. It does not mean you give up. It is not self defeat. It doesn’t mean it won’t change. What it means is you will find peace if you let yourself go completely with what is. It is what it is and you are okay. You are enough. You aren’t too much. You are exactly the way you are meant to be right now.
I love you,
Your Body

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Dear Body,
Well, you’ve been quiet in your responses to me. I don’t think you are mad at me but you haven’t wanted to talk to me at all. Maybe you are just as tired as I am of doing this same dance over and over again. I understand. I hope you speak to me soon…it’s a little uncomfortable with you being quiet. I think you are waiting to see what I’m going to do, aren’t you? That’s okay….it’s your right to wait to talk. When it’s time you’ll say what you have to say. Guess I need to be patient. I’m feeling a little scared of why you aren’t talking to me. I’ve been nice to you lately so there’s not a whole lot to complain about is there? Of course I go to the negative. That’s what my husband would say I just did. I guess who knows…maybe you have nothing but praise for me. I’m pretty sure you are just waiting to see what I do in these next few days. This is usually my “time to mess it all up!” I’ve done well with the most part on just about all counts. A little slow in the exercise department, but still not too bad. Today is a “make it or break it” day…..I can tell. I’ll fall if I don’t do well…behave?......be nice? I am not sure what it is but if I’m not “up” on all categories of recovery I am not going to do well. I guess I haven’t gone to bed yet and it’s very, very late. That’s not good. Already self sabotaging my efforts. I’ll try to do some deeper recovery type of things to carry me over until tomorrow! Overall, I’m in a pretty dang good mood despite no sleep!
Guess what I did tonight? I wrote my “story” of my ED. I can’t believe I actually wrote it and finished it. It was pretty healing for me. Maybe it just simplified things because I always feel like my ED is so complicated. Just like I think I am so complicated. But it really helped to write it out. I have been waiting forever to write my story. Waiting for what you ask? Well for me to be recovered. I just did a valuable lesson and learned that there really isn’t an “end” to my ED so if that’s what I’m waiting for, it’s never going to happen. I need to live in the NOW and not live in the past or the future. I didn’t know if I was going to post it but I’d like some feedback from you body. Here is goes. I am taking out most (but not all) names and places of people, places and numbers (except for ages and dates). Here it is:

I was only 3 years old when I wish that I could cut the fat off my little rounded, protruding tummy. That’s the age my body image issues started. As for the eating disorder itself I do not even know. Maybe around 15 or 16 for occasional bingeing and if not bingeing, then overeating. I was maybe 20 when I started restricting. My story is hard to tell for me. Not because of the details but because there are so many twists and turns in it.
This is what I remember in great detail during my childhood; having surgery on my bladder at the age of 3 and thinking that I had done something wrong and that was my punishment, my mother’s stomach, my mother standing at the refrigerator in the middle of the night binging on cottage cheese, my thighs, again my stomach, my mother counting calories and feeling very old for my age in kindergarten. I had already gone through so much more than my classmates had. I felt alone and very scared.
When I got a little bit older I can remember; my first diet at the age of 14, how much I weighed, how my body was different than my friends, gaining weight by eating the candy bars I was suppose to sell for cheerleading, trying to purge and breaking blood vessels in my eyes, being jealous of a previous friend who was clearly anorexic, counting my calories and feeling inadequate in all areas of my life. I was compared to my twin sister that excelled in school. School for me was a social thing and I didn’t apply myself at all. I always wonder how things would have been different if they had given me my diagnosis of ADD/ADHD in high school instead of when I was 30.
Around 19 or 20 I had broken up with a boyfriend and binged through the end of the relationship which resulted in a large weight gain. I decided to join weightwatchers and was very happy that I had consistently lost weight and got down to my goal weight. Which I stayed at for about a day. I couldn’t stop right from the start. Just as an alcoholic, which I am; couldn’t put down a drink; which I couldn’t do, I also couldn’t stop losing weight. Until I got scared. Then I’d try to gain a few lbs; which I did but couldn’t stop THAT until I hit the previous high weight. I did this over and over in record speed between my 20’s and 30’s. I went from disgusted at myself for a high weight to being scared for myself because I was anorexic. I did the cycle probably about 4 times a year or so, maybe more. I couldn’t get off the roller-coaster ride. My problem went undiagnosed, even from a doctor who asked me if it bothered me that I wasn’t getting my period. My favorite excuse to anyone, especially myself was…I’m only 5 fool 1 ½ inches tall. I could be at a very low weight and still fall in the guidelines for normal weight or slightly underweight. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t getting my period or bones were sticking out…I fell into the “healthy” weight on “the” charts. My body was never meant to be at the low end of those weight charts. I could never get low enough in weight to satisfy me.
Things started clicking for me that I had a eating disorder when my best friend’s little sister asked me bluntly, “Are you on drugs or just an anorexic?” I was shocked but her words made an impression on me. It didn’t stop me from using any behaviors…I was merely becoming aware that I had a eating disorder. I continued my up and down weight while I met my first husband. He loved it when I was in my anorexic stages and withheld love when I wasn’t looking what he considered was my best. I went through a bitter, horrible divorce when he walked out on me and literally skipped the state. It doesn’t just happen in the movies…it was happening in my own life. At the exact same time many horrible events started to unfold. Between May 1998 and May 1999, these events happened; my husband at the time walked out on me and fled the state of Minnesota leaving me unknown to his whereabouts; I lost my job; my Dad died; My truck that was repossessed; I was forced to file bankruptcy; my husband filed for divorce, my husband tried to sue me for filing bankruptcy which has never been done in the state of Minnesota, BUT that’s a whole different story in itself, and the little apartment that my mother embarrassingly had to co-sign for went up in flames, literally and I lost every piece of everything I had, which I had no renters insurance for. But considering they told me I was minutes away from possibly dying from smoke inhalation put losing all my possessions into perspective for me. Basically I had lost everything I ever had. I was so low that I didn’t know if I was going to ever get up again. I was so scared that God was putting me through all of this drama to get me ready for “something” bigger and I couldn’t handle bigger. That was a lot to go through in a one year time span. It took me at least 2 years before I could even function in society. I was certainly a mess and I certainly used restricting and drinking alcohol as a coping mechanism, not to mention smoking 2 packs a day during this time. I liked how drinking dehydrated me and always after a night of heavy drinking with no food my pants was always loose on me and I craved that feeling. I was certainly quite the mess during this time. I was in so much pain emotionally that I don’t know how I survived. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other and with panic attacks and all, I managed to get to a place in my life where every living minute wasn’t filled with pain. It took me many years to get there. I remember my first smile I had after a few years with no real laughter. I was driving home from work listening to Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline and when they get to the part that goes, “good times never been so good”…I smiled a REAL smile. It was a break through moment for me. Many good things happened to me during those “sad” years but I just couldn’t feel any joy. I did make some wise decisions though. I had met my NOW 2nd husband at the job I was working and KNEW there was no way that he was going to fall for me like I already had for him under these self sabotaged conditions that I had put myself into. By the Grace of God, I quit drinking. I was also going a outpatient program which I had started going to in 1997. I started dating XXX (my husband) and I was starting my life over. I had come far in the few years and was complimented by close friends how I was a true survivor. I had grown closer on my journey with my relationship with God during “those” years and with quitting my 2 pack a day habit, now I was starting to build a foundation for myself. Sounds good but I was also purely using my eating disorder as not only a coping mechanism but it was my fun, it was what I knew and could do well, the low weight made me feel important and I got attention. Most of it was unwanted attention because I always hated how people came out of the woodwork when I was thinner. I hated hearing “wow, you look good” when I knew I was actually battling an addiction that I couldn’t control. Rumors started at work about me which made me self conscious. I guess they weren’t rumors….when it was the truth. I WAS the girl in the license bureau who was anorexic. I wanted to be thin for me…not for anyone else and my weight would usually result in a small gain when the attention got too much. I also was scaring myself getting my weight to where I wanted it. I was, or thought I was in total control. Between the ages of 29-34 I did my “pattern” of gaining weigh only once or twice each year and I mainly stayed at a low weight.
At the age of 34 I happily got pregnant and did a shotgun wedding when I was 4 months along. I was sooo happy. I was having the baby I always wanted with the man that I so desperately wanted and needed in my life. Life was good. What a turn around from the previous 5 years. Life was what I wanted although I was anxious as hell. While I was pregnant I was so anxious and mostly binged and overate to self medicate. I watched the scales rise once I let the nurses start weighing me for fear that something may be wrong with my daughter. I gained a very, very large amount of weight. I stopped weighing near the end so I don’t know what the actual total was but it was a lot. Then it took me approximately the 10 weeks I was off of work on maternity leave to lose it all in record time by restricting and starving myself. I had to get rid of the weight because I could not handle feeling the way I was feeling. Once I got the weight off I relaxed a lot and for the first time ever I ate with not using eating disorder symptoms. I intuitively ate and it felt good and was very freeing. For about a whole year I was able to do this. Around xxx’s first birthday I had gained a little bit of weight and fear set in. I could NOT do another round of the up and down game. I think I may have been going through some postpartum depression and quite sure that my body was giving in from going through a rough pregnancy and delivery and the starvation that followed. I started to sink again with fear of being a mother and fear of gaining weight. One thing lead to another and next thing you knew I was in Arizona going through a 30 program at XXX. It was tough and when I came back I sincerely tried to eat. But I was angry for gaining weight, which was barely anything, and my team for refusing to tell me my weight in treatment. I had to take matter into my own hands again. I lost what I had gained plus some and then just continued to be in group and tried hard to recover. I really did want recovery by this time. I was tired of playing my never ending game. One really good thing came out of going to XXX. I started attending Eating Disorders Anonymous meetings. It was such a homey comfy feeling like I got when I went to AA meeting that I knew I had to start a meeting in Minnesota since we had NOTHING for support groups 3 or 4 years ago. My friend XXX and I started meetings at her house every Sunday night and then eventually moved the meeting to a nearby church. I got and continue to get a certain type of support from attending the meetings that I don’t get from going to professionals. Starting EDA was one of the best things I have ever done. Now I serve as xxx of the General Service Board of EDA and continue to use service work as a means of recovery. I learned in my early days of quitting drinking that you really have to give away what you’ve got in order to keep it. At least for me it works. In fact most of the AA slogans work well for me….ones like “take what you can and leave the rest” and “it works when you work it…it really does” gives me a sense of responsibility that I have for my recovery as well as staying in my disease whether it’s a eating disorder or drinking.
Then I don’t know what happened but when my daughter was almost 3 years old I had a lot of flashbacks to when I was in the hospital when I was 3 having bladder surgery and I think I just lost it completely thinking of my own precious little daughter going through what I went through. I don’t remember much over the course of a few days but apparently, I called my therapist like 15 times in a row one night and for some odd reason he put a 72 hour hold on me. It was a total nightmare and I’m still trying to deal with all the details of it because I don’t remember and don’t really want to. But I was locked up for 10 days at xxx Hospital on the psych-ward. To boot, I was in the “side for dangerous people”. Not proud moments for me. I won’t even go into detail about it because I am still shocked at myself that I was acting that way. Of course many traumatic things happened in there but the worst in my opinion was when one of the doctors said to me about my eating disorder – “you’re not THAT thin”. Maybe the fact a doctor was talking to me so unprofessional snapped me out of “it” because I was only there a few more days after his comment. It was horrible in every way but a very good thing came out of it. They put me on a anti-psychotic medication that has changed my life drastically for the better. I doubt they would have ever put me on a anti-psychotic if I wasn’t acting psychotic so it all turned out okay. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Anyways, I eventually forgave my therapist, forgave my husband, and forgave myself. I still have a hard time talking about those events those 2 weeks. I still don’t understand what happened. And I’m scared shitless that it could happen again.
Part of my aftercare was to be in IOP and groups and continue to go to EDA meetings. Shortly after I got out of xxx Hospital, I started to restrict during the day and then binge at in the middle of the night. Usually I don’t remember much of it, but in the morning I have the sinking feeling of “what did I do last night?” Funny, just like I did with drinking. My binging at night on top of eating a normal food plan resulted in a big weight gain for me. That was little over 2 years ago. I binged at night and restricted during the day. My eating disorder had totally morphed into something else now. I was diagnosed with Bulimia, non purging type. Now typically I have never purged in all my eating disorder years because it felt like too violent of an act on my body but I was so freaked out about weight that I did the unthinkable. I purged. I think it was the next day I went into my therapist’s office and said, “I need help”. I was sent to the XXX House for 30 days. It was extremely hard to leave my daughter and husband to get treatment but I couldn’t go on anymore. I had a very good experience while I stayed at the house. I was able to break through some barriers and close some doors as well as quitting the horrendous cycle of restricting then binging in the middle of the night. I told my mom and sisters for the first time ever about my eating disorder. Of course they still say everything wrong but I am happy I told them for my own sake. I am done hiding. I am starting to be proud of myself and proud to be me. I have a husband who truly loves me regardless of what my weight is and fully supports me in every way imaginable. I opened up to my stepson about the eating disorder too. I’m tired of secrets and have spent the same amount of energy protecting my recovery as I did protecting my eating disorder and alcoholism. In all honesty, I still protect my alcoholism. I am not sure where I want to go with that. I don’t have a problem talking about it to others in recovery at all but outside of that I feel that is private. My Dad died of Cirrhosis of the Liver due to his alcoholism and I’d like to think that I silently ended a destructive pattern that ran in our family. That’s not based on shame but rather not wanting to bring energy to it.
Back to the XXX House…that was last May through June and the recovery that I have made since then has become the final stretch. All though I am still working on things and honestly trying to lose the weight that I haven’t been able to lose the last 2 years I am the happiest I think I have ever been which is ironic that I am the heaviest that I’ve ever been. I started a blog of writing letters to my body and ED and vice versa. That is perhaps one of the best tools that I have encountered in my career of therapy/groups and treatments. Some other recovery tools that have significantly helped me have been putting my baby picture up on my bathroom mirror and every time I see my picture I say something nice to that little innocent beautiful baby. I’ve been doing that for 3 years now and it’s really made a dent into healing early childhood traumas and hurts. The last one, is trying to end the fat talk. I still go in spurts of doing this but I have been very aware of how I talk to myself and the relationship that I am trying to grow with myself. I don’t want to be mean to myself anymore. I want to love who I am which has nothing to do with weight. Yep, 13 years of coming to the outpatient program and almost every form of therapy to be able to say that one sentence out loud. In case you didn’t hear me, it has nothing to do with my weight! I can honestly say that all though I may not LOVE myself quite yet, I don’t hate myself either. And that’s made all the difference in the world.

So, what did you think? It felt good and it flowed out of me (us) and just felt healing. I’m glad that I did it. I *might* read it out loud in front of my therapist tomorrow at our therapy session. At least I’ll tell him about it. I feel exposed but in a good way. This was a good thing to do on Eating Disorders Awareness Week, don’t you think? I’m proud of myself! I rock.

Love, XXX

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

2.17.10 Dear Body

Dear Body.
I have been very angry for awhile and haven’t written you. Good news though…I’m not made AT you. For the first time, perhaps ever, I realize that I have misdirected my behavior when I’ve been angry about the weight issues. I guess I also need to be a tad bit more compassionate with myself. Perhaps a tad bit angrier with ED. Although, I’m not paying much attention to ED these days, I still find ED trying to sneak in. He gets in a little, prances around but really isn’t holding the power over me at all. This week I have noticed ED a bit more. I’m sure there are weeks that are better than the others with him. Still, I’m holding my own against him! Enough energy already spent talking about ED…done. But it’s exciting news that I’m not angry AT you. It’s not really me either that I’m mad at…who the hell am I mad at? What wasted energy. Anyways…I had a therapy appt. today. Told my therapist that I’m in a “new challenge” with a team mate *(aka: another therapy client!). We are doing 30 days of no symptom use. I have to define what symptom use is for me…it means not binging and not restricting. Over eating is a grey area and I’ll know when I cross that. It means working out (cardio 4-6x’s week and lifting/strength 3 days a week). This is only for 30 days so I am tracking this as well as journaling and trying to see patterns. It means journaling my gratitude’s and regrets. My therapist said to me, “you’re a good person XXX”. He must see that I don’t see it myself. Journaling my gratitude’s already helped me out. I was a really good mommy yesterday. One of those “gave my kid good attention, everyone was happy, got kid in the tub and did homework” kind of days that I felt good about! This definitely helps me define myself into something that doesn’t deal with food/exercise to feel good about.
I am doing a lot of rambling but I am kind of excited to see if I can find a new pattern or something that will help me along. If weights comes off…then cool.
Love, XXX

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Dear Body,
I’m just disgusted at myself. I think I am the highest weight I have ever been. I had a bad, bad week of eating a lot of food and not working out and not being nice to you in thoughts or actions. My first response was anger towards you. I think I want to take it out on someone and who better to take it out than to take it out on you? I know that is not what I am suppose to do, but I am mad, damn it. I did it all myself. Alright….okay, it’s me..not you. I really shouldn’t be getting mad at you. I’m not sure what my response should be….should I be mad at myself instead? Okay…try compassion. I just don’t feel any compassion for myself. I’m tired of doing the same thing over and over again. I’m panicky. I’m confuse and overwhelmed. I just want to be skinny again. I shouldn’t say skinny, I should say healthy. I really want to be the best me I can be. That includes my weight. And I’m soooo not there. I’m in fact far away from there and actually frightened about it. I’m slightly scared of my health being at this weight. I know my cholesterol has been up. My weight is up. The doctor told me to lose weight. AND I am NOT going to have a discussion with a health professional that doesn’t know about ED’s. Yes, he told me “I don’t look like I have an ED”. Regardless, he also told me to lose weight so obviously he knows nothing about people with eating disorders. Anyways….I’m maybe not disgusted at myself rather, I’m scared. I may not have the compassion for me but at least I just untwisted my thoughts into what is real. And what is real is that I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not going to lose weight. I am scared that my shin splints won’t ever heal and prevent me from doing my 5k and I’ll fail on that goal. I’m scared of my health. I’m scared to talk to my doctor about my health because I don’t want him to conflict me with talking about losing weight…..even though that’s what I really want to do. Damn it. I’m confused and scared….at least I’m not disgusted at myself anymore. That feels better. But what does that accomplish? Does it really accomplish anything that I’m a tad more gentle on myself? I don’t know. Maybe it accomplishes something and I just can’t see it. It did shift my attitude. A little. Damn, I have a headache.
Love, XXX

Monday, February 8, 2010

2.09.10 Dear XXX

Dear XXX,

Hey…time to get with it and quit the fat talk and start eating right and start exercising. I’ve waited all week long for you to turn things around without me saying something to you, but now I’ve got to say something. You are self-sabotaging yourself (again). Why? What are you trying to accomplish by doing this? Why aren’t you loving me? I feel sad and distant from you. I am not yelling at you but I am being stern with you because you’ve been on that road far too long. I love you and want you to be happy. This is not going to make you happy if you continue what you are doing. In fact you aren’t happy. Listen to me! Listen to your body….really, if you do, I’ll make you happy. Don’t keep taking the reigns into your own hands because when you do you aren’t happy. I want you to be happy. I promise you that you’ll be happy if you listen to me. I’m not mad…I’m just telling ya like it is. You have a few hours today while xxx is in school…have a good workout and get back on track today.

You tried really hard not to do your fat talk that you do this last week…but you still managed to get it in. Please try not to do that as it makes me sad. Love me…say good things about me.

Love, Your Body

Monday, February 1, 2010

2.2.10 Dear Body

Dear Body,
I want to complain and bitch about the fricken 2 lbs I gained. But I am CHOOSING not to put my energy there. That’s where my mind wants to go, but I am going to redirect it. ED is screaming at me to listen but I’m choosing to ignore him.
I have been looking on the internet for “questions to ask your self about (self esteem, self acceptance, etc.)…” Just trying to find something positive to focus on instead of going to the weight/food/numbers/body, etc. I found 15 things to think about every day…I’m going to go over them one by one (taken from: http://www.lyved.com/life/15-things-to-think-about-everyday/) and see if I can find some insight or at least change my direction of thinking…I know this is suppose to be something I think about everyday but let me see if I can even answer everything even right now, let alone every day…The challenge is to try to not include weight as part of this.

1. The things you’re grateful to have
Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.
I am so grateful for my family. I have always wanted my own family and I genuinely am thankful for my husband, daughter and stepson. I feel lucky.

2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have
Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.
I am greatful that I don’t have cancer. That disease scares me and I am just grateful that I don’t have it.

3. What you want to do today
Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.
I want to get my run in and follow my 5k training plan. I will get up, go to my therapy appointment and then hit the gym on my way back. I also want to start lifting (did today!) so I can feel strong. I will need to pull out my lifting schedule from previous years.

4. What the future holds
Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.
Tomorrow holds for me a day of inner peace. Next month holds for me, a stronger body due to my training. The next five years will hold being a active mom in my child’s schooling.

5. Think about one of your fears
We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.
That I will not lose my extra weight. (okay, had to go there!)

6. Think of a way to face that fear
Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.
Realize that even if I don’t lose my extra weight I am loveable and acceptable just the way I am right now without changing anything about me.

7. One new thing you’d like to do
Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.
Hmmm, good question. I’d like to run my first 5k ever. I’d like to write a book. I’d like to get involved with XXX kindergarten class next year. Something new I’d like to try is to meditate every night for 30 days. I’d like to read my crave book.

8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday
Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.
Putting some dates into my planner. Putting my clothes away. Cleaning the office. Start getting XXX’s room ready for painting. I will look at this list tomorrow and do them.

9. Your greatest qualities
Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.
I have a great ambition to change lives, I have an outgoing personality and get along great with most people, I am loyal, I really do care a lot about others. I love to be silly. I’m deep down a positive person (with negative output, lol). I’m always willing to try. I don’t give up (both greatest and worst quality, lol).

10. What you don’t like about yourself
We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.
I have a low self esteem and low self worth. Also I procrastinate.

11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself
Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.
I can say positive affirmations daily and BELIEVE them. (I’ll make a list for myself) I can go to the extreme and tell myself that I am hot!( lol *a previous inpatient experiment that I’ll blog about one day.)
I need to just “do it” without thinking so I don’t procrastinate.

12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter
Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them. Maybe buy a coworker just because. Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.
Ask myself on how can I make Steve’s day happier. Ask myself how I can make Madison’s day happier. Ask myself how I can make at least one member of my family’s day happier. THEN DO IT.

13. Your life goals
You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.
To run my first 5k race.

14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation
Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.
I really want to go to the weight stuff right now but I’ll try to think of something else…hmmm, I made a bad decision but tonight I tried to correct it. I can get motivated by “doing the next right thing”.

15. You only have one life
Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.
If I only have one shot at life, then I want to be happy and find inner peace. I want to do what ever it takes to find peace on the inside…..that means accepting my body where I am. Okay, I know I wasn’t going to go there but the inner turmoil is so bad when it comes to my body image that I need to focus on accepting my body where it is, how it is, right now!

Okay, so I failed on the not talking about weight/body/numbers, etc but it’s relevant I think. Like I’ve said, my exercise is fine (with the occasional not doing it long enough or letting too many days go in between) and I’m fine that I’m training for my first ever 5k because it’s a small accomplishable and attainable goal for me (but having to push myself). I really need to focus on thinking that I’m enough just the way I am right now without changing anything. This is so hard to believe! At the same time I need to focus on that I’m not too much and won’t push people away by just being me. Such extremes. I need to focus that I’m lovable, likeable, worthy of good things. I really am letting go of this eating disorder. It’s quite amazing. The more I talk about this all, the better it is for me. The more I’m letting go of my ED. I can see ED on the sidelines screaming at me but I’m just going to ignore him. He’ll quiet down after awhile. He doesn’t need to be a distraction to me any longer. I think I’ve finally put a final piece of recovery together for myself. I realize that in MY recovery, ED may never leave and may always be present but I can fully recover with him still there in the corner of my mind. My therapist and I were talking about how it’s like the movie “A beautiful mind” and the guy still saw “the people or the voices” in the corner of his mind but he learned how to ignore them and carry on with life without paying them attention. That’s SO it for me with my eating disorder. I think I was just waiting for the ED to totally leave me and my mind and I couldn’t understand why he was not leaving. I haven’t paid him much attention for quite awhile and can literally see him screaming, trying to get my attention but I am learning how to ignore him when he’s flailing his arms ranting and raving. I see him out of the corner of my eye but I can’t really hear him much anymore. He’s managed to come back into tune in unexpected moments. I’m still learning on those types of moments. Like over the weekend when we were out of town at a friend’s house. Those moments throw me off but if I planned out my meals and vision what my day will look like, I should be able to maneuver my way around so I can still ignore ED. It’s still a learning practice but I’m getting better at it.
Boy…this helped me tremendously. Yea!

2.1.10 Dear XXX

Dear XXX,

I KNOW that you don’t feel like working out today OR eating much but I want you to try. You have gone 4 days without running and spent those 4 days eating whatever you wanted so now it’s time you jump back on the “being good to your body” wagon. I was pretty amazed that you found a little bit of balance with your eating, even though you ate a little too much. But you weren’t THAT out of balance and plus, you were pretty nice to me with your thoughts. At the suggestion of a reader, I want you to find ways to be nice to me that doesn’t involve eating or working out. You could tell me an affirmation or two, you could tell me that I’m great just the way I am or even go out on a limb and tell me I’m hot! I need to push you. Tell me good stuff that I want to hear. I have a good one for you…..go to sleep at night at a decent time and listen to your guided imagery cd before bed. Do that at least once this week. I respond well when you get good sleep. Remember, I only want good things for you. Treat me well…I’m really everything you’ve got. I want to feel appreciated and loved from you.

Love, your Body