Thursday, March 25, 2010

3.26.10 Dear Body

Dear Body,
I guess I don’t know what to say. I see the chart…I pretty much know what all my “numbers” have been but it’s different seeing it in print. It’s a tad chaotic. Probably much like my life has been or my emotions have been most of my life. I see that my high numbers are all when really bad things were happening (breakup of a boyfriend, divorce, death, etc.). Something interesting, all though I suspected it…when I went into the psychward for my “breakdown” or whatever you want to call it. I guess my therapist and I call it an “episode”. I am borderline personality disorder, so I guess it was related to that? I am not really sure. But it rates right up there with the rest of the high weights when bad stuff happened to me. Perhaps my way of protecting myself…certainly numbing myself with food. And the low weights…well, it was usually after a breakup with a boyfriend or AFTER drama was created. Again…a way to numb myself and make myself feel important by being at a low weight.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to think about this. I don’t think it’s normal, that’s for sure. I am suppose to bring in “our” weight chart to my therapist. I think he wants to see what my happy medium weight is. I guess I already know…the medium on the charts show between xxx-xxx. Yep, I knew this already. I guess I never wanted to admit it out loud so I can try to be lower. Funny when I am so far away from that number(s) to think I think it’s too high. My mature way of thinking (laugh if you will) is that is where my weight should be anyways. I can be honest at least and say that I don’t long to be THAT thin anymore. Probably because it’s unachievable. I can achieve it for a pretty hefty price. And I’m not willing to pay that price anymore. Yeah for getting mature in my thinking, huh? Of course I couldn’t JUST do a chart..I also had to do a PowerPoint presentation. Yes, I went through all my photos and lined up what I weighed with my remembrance of my weight. Is it normal to know what you weighed at almost every point in your life? I don’t think so. But I have to ask because really, I don’t know. Boy, am I sick looking in some of those photos. Both my too thin and my too heavy…look sick both ways. I can’t believe I am going to show my therapist the fat pictures. He doesn’t remember me being neither too thin nor too fat. Duh….do you think I ever came into therapy at those times? I don’t know if he doesn’t believe me or if he thinks that I think it’s different in my mind but I’m sure he’ll be shocked. I had the stupid feeling of “wait…maybe I don’t have an eating disorder cuz I wasn’t skinny enough”. Whatever. That’s surely ED talking.
I know I owe you an apology for what I have put you through. I have more to think on it though because I really did put you through a lot. How do you apologize for such extremes? I know actions speak louder than words…..one way I can say I am sorry is to maintain a weight. Any weight. Even if it’s this higher weight. I want to maintain something. Okay, maybe NOT at this weight but at my “medium” weight….that a goal of mine now. Wow…a realistic weight goal. For the first time ever. I should be proud of myself. But there is a lot of guilt related to that. I am going to work on that guilt. I don’t know what the guilt is about. But wow…for the first time ever I really have some numbers to go by. Hell, I am almost excited. Could it be that this is not about losing the weight for the first time ever too but rather maintaining a reasonable goal that allows flexibility? This needs to go down in history. Sounds so simple to the non eating disordered person but so complex to us with eds. I can do this. Wow.
Thank you body for posting your chart and making me think on this. I know I need to give you a formal apology for abusing you the way that I have. Like I said, actions speak louder than words and maintaining a number within a few lbs for a good length of time will probably be the biggest thing I can do. I’m tired of listening to myself make promises too and not sticking with them. Wow, this really isn’t about losing weight right now. It’s about maintaining. Where ever my weight falls (I still hoping between the mediums) I want to maintain.
Do you know it’s been like 2 weeks since I’ve followed my food plan? Perhaps a little under at times, but overall I haven’t overeaten or binged or gone outside my “grey areas”….I should chart out what my grey areas are. Maybe in time. Anyways, I feel like I love you right now. That’s different too because I don’t know if I have felt that way before really. Maybe I thought I have when I’ve been really thin but never at this weight. Good stuff here. Yeah!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

3.23.10 Dear XXX

Dear XXX,
Here is a graph of me. Let me know what you are going through as you look at this.
Love, Your Body
ps. I've taken out the numbers so there are no triggers. The numbers that you do see is my age.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Dear Body

3.16.10

Dear Body,

Ironic that you wrote me a letter today. That was right before my husband had his “talk” with me about my eating disorder and my teeth. It seems that I have an $800.00 appointment coming up to fix my cavities and broken teeth. Basically, he has had it with this issue. Basically, I for THE FIRST TIME just linked my teeth problems to my eating disorder. I know “they” always talk about your teeth with your eating disorder but I never put myself into “THAT” category. See, I’m a bulimic, but non-purging type. I thought….no purging, no teeth issues (due to purging). What I have never, EVER (I still can’t believe that I’m linking this after all these years) have put together was that I binge in the middle of the night often and don’t brush. My husband is always saying, I don’t understand your teeth issues and how many cavities you get if you are brushing 1-2 times a day….I just figured I am brushing my teeth daily and flossing too so I’m doing the best I can. But what about all those middle of the night binges and/or eating? I’m not brushing after those and the food sits on my teeth. Once again, hence the cavities! Duh. I know, know, know this sounds just too common-sense to just be understanding this now…at the age of 40… but honest to God, I haven’t thought of it that way. The dentist keeps saying, “what IS it that keeps deteriorating your teeth?” My answer was always, “I don’t know..I brush and floss”. OMG.

Well, I am in just such major shock and feel this is the kick that I may need. I definitely chose which road to turn tonight. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and am just astonished that I have to admit this to him. Hell, do I have to admit this to my dentist too? Probably. I don’t know if I am ready to discuss it with my dentist and explain it.

My husband said to me in our talk that I don’t listen to him. Or to anyone that is trying to help me. That I only will do it my way and that way hasn’t been working for all these years. Wow…my husband actually got through to me. I need my therapist to get together with my whole team and sit me down and basically do an intervention with me. That’s what I need to kick this. My husband was enough and yes, I felt some shame. Not from him…from me. I need to hear the damage I’ve done by everyone else’s eyes who has worked with me. I’m not really sure who my team is since I work with a lot of therapists but they’ve all known me for years now and I’m going to suggest to my therapist tomorrow that they all sit me down in one room and “discuss” with me their thoughts on me with my eating disorder. Damn…this is what I need.

Hang in there body….I think good things are coming our way. Looks like I’m going to be shit-kicked in the ass to shake the rest of ED away from me. I know me…I know myself and I know what’s going to work. Wow…my eyes are wide open from this experience. Unreal.

Love, XXX

Monday, March 15, 2010

Dear XXX,
It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. I notice you are in your normal “freak out that it’s spring time”. I also notice that you have been spending this last week sleeping more than normal, eating more than normal and just depressed acting. However, you have been working out. This leads me to believe that ED is involved here somewhere. I know your thoughts are crossing between wanting to binge and wanting to totally restrict. And what was that thought about doing a 30 day colon cleanse? IT’S ED GETTING TO YOU! Do NOT listen and just do “the next right thing”. I know you are in the middle of thoughts on which road to take. Only you can make the decision. Before you make any decisions, think about what you really want to do.
I want to congratulate you on doing your first 5K race. And you did it before you said you were going to. See what I can accomplish if you just work with me? In order to do another race, you need to train right, which means you need to eat right and sleep right. I can see you bending toward one road when it’s the other you need to take.
Please take care of me and write me soon. I miss talking to you.
Love, Your Body