Monday, June 28, 2010

Dear Body,
Okay..so OMG, my 5 yr old has been asking her Dad if he thinks she is pretty and cute and beautiful. New questions to her from him. THEN she asked him, “Do you think my tummy is big?” and “Is it suppose to be like that.” OMG. I was 3 when I wanted to cut the fat off my stomach with a big knife. I fantasized it and entertained those thoughts. I was 3. BTW, he answered that question beautifully. Just like when I ask him those questions. I can not cope right now with this. So triggering into the depth of my soul. This is short. Just needed to get it off my chest.
Love, XXX

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dear Body,
Now I get it…I’m in a mid life crisis. I just told Steve that I want to get my tubes tide. I don’t know so much that I thought about his thoughts on this, but I definitely thought that I was being a responsible adult woman. Approximately, a 41 year old woman whose thoughts were on the lines of her husband and not wanting any more children. I mean, if it were up to me….I might. Maybe. Not 100% sure that I’m done. BUT if he was sure he was done, then I’d be done. But he didn’t seem so sure tonight after I told him that I’d want my tubes tide. Damn . He said he didn’t and he’s such a solid guy that I took his word for it. Now I am confused. I am afraid. Afraid that if I were to have another baby that he’d be afraid of my mental health. Hell, who am I to say that I ‘m not afraid of that. I am. So afraid. So very afraid. But then again, do I want more at this age? Again….if he does and wants them very bad then I would for him. Yes, I’d have a child for him. I would go through it all again to have a child if that’s what he wanted. But he’d want it enough to put up with the aftermath. It would be rough. The hormones, the weight, the feelings, the sleep deprivation, the sacrifice. I have the horror still of slumping against the baby’s floor’s room saying that I “can’t do this anymore. And him not responding to my needs. I needed him to take over when I couldn’t. He didn’t and I tried to hire someone to do that. I needed someone between the hours of 12-3 am and he couldn’t commit. So unlike him. Well, not committing isn’t totally unlike him. He married me. He surpassed that. And he was ready to have Madison. But is he ready to have his little boy? Again, his life could be easy. I told him this when he had Ty. Damn, it’s up to him. I want what he wants and if he’s done, then I am. If he’s not, let’s do it and have a bigger family. Madison wants it. I’m not sure if I do. But if he wants it to happen then I would. Without a doubt. I would do it again for him. That’s so scary to have to go through it again. I don’t think I even need to explain myself. I didn’t realize this would cause so many tears in me. I’m in a mid life crisis. I need my sister. I need to talk to her about this. I need my girls. Any girls who’s been through this. This is a new thing and real thing that I’m going through. I need to talk. Big time. Being 41 is tough. Big decisions. You are my body and I have to consider what is best for us. I guess I’m just confused.
I am clear on what I want. But he isn’t. Maybe I’m not clear. I just don’t want a “mistake” to happen since this would be US going through it together. I don’t know body….I’m mid age. Not quite, but enough mid age that I am going through some type of mid life crisis. Oh, it would all work out if it happened but I’m just trying to be responsible. I don’t know when I’ll bring this up again to him. I don’t feel like getting more confused about something that I thought we were clear on.
I surely couldn’t handle gaining all that weight again and then having to lose it. Shit, if I can’t lose it now what would it be like getting pregnant and having to lose it? The last time I starved myself down to thinness but I think it almost killed me to get there. I don’t care to abuse you body like that. Hell, lately I’ve been abusing you in different ways so not sure how far off I am from abusing you that way again but I sure in hell am trying to not abuse you by restricting. I’ve gotten far enough in to my recovery to know that I really can’t go back to what once was. For many reasons. I’ve gone back on someother things recently and they just aren’t wise choices. I need to grow up. Really.
Body, can you help me out a little please? I need my mind in this now too. Damn, we all better work together here soon. I’m just rambling now so I need to quit talking. I’ll *try* to take care of you and take care of my mind a little better. I’ve been great at ignoring you, not writing to you, not talking to you, not being nice to you. I’ll give it another shot and try again. Soon.
Love, xxx

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Dear Body

Dear Body,
It's been about a month since I've started negelecting you and giving you the silent treatment. Basically, I've been abusing you...overeating from time to time...undereating from time to time....not being mindful....complaining about you....and so much more that I don't even want to acknowledge it. It'll take me awhile to get the courage to make amends but I will because it's necessary. Just wanted you to know that you are on my mind and I will write you soon. Today I'm going to do all I can to be nice to you. I'm going to eat my meals, not criticize, not feel hopeless, TRY to exercise even. I have a therapy appointment that I'll talk about you and what's been going on and then I'll try to be honest with you. I can do this for today. I'm back in the one day at a time mentality. That is good news. I'm ready to turn it around and make the intentions that I have come true. I do love you. I've just been caught up in a few things. Later I will try to write again.
Love, XXX