Friday, April 16, 2010

4.16.10 Dear Body

4.16.10

Dear Body,

Last night I was putting groceries in the car and it was just getting dark outside. XXX was in her booster seat sitting and I caught her with her eyes tightly shut and whispering something. I let her finish and then she told me that if you say your wish really quiet it would come true. It reminded me of the last time I caught her wishing on a star and I wasted my wish on “being skinny”. I thought about that and felt so much sadness for you. There is just something about a 5 yr old wishing on a star and the belief they have that it will come true makes me tear up. It’s such a innocent time. It made me think about IF my wish were to come true also is that still what I would wish for? It’s not. I learned my lesson on how I felt the last time we encountered this. I hope you can feel some happiness that you didn’t “go” there, this time. It’s a lonely feeling knowing that wish was so selfish the last time. I hated how that felt in me.
I still separate the two of us together. You are you (the body) and I am me (myself). I just realized this and wonder if this is how other people who don’t have eating disorders view themselves. As 2 separate identities. Maybe I am just not ready enough to shove me all into one. I feel like I don’t have room. God, is that a bad thing? I don’t even know what that means. But that’s what it feels like…there is no room for both me and my body. I don’t know if it’s just a foreign concept of putting both you and me in one actual body. I don’t know if this is normal or not. I almost got a laugh out if it because for the life of me, I can’t figure out if that’s how others are with themselves. It’s like 2 total separate identities. That’s kind of scary in a psychological sort of way. Hmmmm, this is something I should talk to my therapist about. Obliviously. It sounds crazy. I am going to ask my husband tonight if he has ever viewed himself as 2 separate identities. Hey, at least I’m viewing you in a good way now. For my whole life I have separated us and now I’m trying to have a relationship with you and love you. That’s progress. Seriously, this never dawned on me that people don’t think this way maybe. Whatever….I’m going to give myself a break and not think of me being crazy. Maybe other’s think this is really weird to write my body. Oh, whatever…it’s working for me.
I just want to say that I’m glad I didn’t wish on XXX’s star about being skinny. I actually didn’t make any wish. Next time we see a star, I’ll make a loving wish to you…I promise.

Love, XXX


Monday, April 12, 2010

4.11.10

Dear Body,

I just came across a great blog/article (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/04/what-makes-you-feel-beautiful/) titled “What makes me feel beautiful?”. What a great blog…came at a good time for me. I’ve been weight obsessed this last week and it’s been especially bad this these last few days. I still do not know what I weigh. I can’t even really guess. I’m trying to pretend that it doesn’t matter. But sadly, it still does. I’ve been going back and forth on if I should weigh myself. I SWEAR, I’ve HAD to of lost weight….I’ve been following my food plan for quite some time now with only the occasional binge (if even that) and quite frankly, there is no way that I couldn’t of NOT lost weight. Except that my pants don’t fit. I had to clean out my closets again and tried on pairs of pants that just don’t fit. I put those away. Damn it. I wanted them to fit. I figured they *should* fit because if I do the math correctly, I should of lost XX lbs by now. Anyways, the pants don’t fit. Damn it. I’ve definitely going through the grievance stages of not being able to lose weight. First the anger, then the sadness, then the bargaining. They say, don’t weigh yourself….let your pants tell you by their tightness or looseness. Or is that a made up rule that I have made up myself. I don’t know anymore.
Well, I haven’t weighed and after reading this article, I don’t know if I am going to now. I can focus on what makes me feel beautiful (other than weight loss). Reading through these writers stories I got quite emotional. The truth is, I know I have felt beautiful before. Actually, many times but just few and far in between. But the thing is I really can’t remember when or how it became that I felt that way. If I can focus in on those times, I can unlock a treasure in my self-worth. I know, know, know that feeling beautiful is not about being skinny. Don’t get me wrong…I still long to be a size X or weigh XXX but I’ve know for a long time that beauty is not a size. They taught me this in therapy and at one time I didn’t believe it. But fast forward this many years and I not only believe it, I am trying to DO it. It, meaning uncovering the lies and getting to the truth. This is one of the truths that I believe in. And I’m excited….I know the feeling of being beautiful is something I’ve felt before. The only time I can think of radiating “my glow” is about 2 months ago when my husband looked at me and said, “when you are truly happy, you are beautiful”. I felt the happiness and it felt good. I also at the time was getting good sleep and eating well and living a honest life. Not to say that I’m not living a honest life right now, I am…but I am not sleeping all that well. I’m not balanced in this area of my life right now. I have to push myself to get there…balance is hard work. Recovery is hard work.
There is a common theme to these stories. Most of the women seem to be past the age of 40. And a few said about turning 40 and everything changing. Maybe that is what is happening to me right now. As one of the women stated…”at 40 the love finally had to go deeper.” No kidding. That’s what I’m searching for and working so hard in recovery for. Going deeper. I just realized one more time when I *can* feel beautiful…that’s when I’m in active recovery. I honestly feel like a whole person while I’m working it. It’s true…it works when you work it, it really does. Recovery makes me beautiful. Wow…sounds like a bumper sticker.
Hmmm, last night I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to weigh to *see* how I measured up. I don’t feel that need right now. I just had to dig a little deeper. Whew.
Love, XXX

Thursday, April 8, 2010

4.8.10
Dear Body,
I get confused when my realities overlap each other. My own body image and what I “think” I weigh is so distorted on a daily basis. The other day (as well as the prior week) I have felt something that I haven’t felt in a long time…thinness. I actually felt thin. And it felt really good. I’ve been following my tweeked food plan for maybe a few weeks now and I think I have lost some weight. However, since I haven’t weighed myself in close to 2 month, I don’t know exactly what I weigh. I just *feel* like I have lost weight. More than that, I liked how I have woken up each morning not wondering “what did I do last night” just like I did when I drank many years ago. That feeling of just knowing that what I did the previous day feels affirming and concrete. Stable even. That’s saying a lot that I felt stable. But then the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and binged. I don’t remember all that much about it but that uneasy feeling took over my body when my husband stated, “looks like you had a bad night last night”. THEN, I felt fat. I felt like there was at least a XX lb. difference, for real. This was not exaggerating, this felt like the truth. It confused me. How can I believe what I weigh one day in my mind and then believe the next day I can weight something totally different. It feels so real. I told my husband that and he said, “at least you recognize that now”. It is totally confusing to me because it’s so real to me but it makes no sense at all! It’s always been like this. This is no different today than it was XX yrs ago. I can’t trust myself when it comes to my own body image. Who do I trust? My husband who loves my body at any size? That would certainly bring peace to my mind. Peace, which is my goal everyday. Do I believe the people that tell me that I look just fine? I suppose I can try. Hmmmm, that is something to think about. I know it’s not me who I can trust…do I dare trust other people? Actually believe and trust other people? I don’t know. I am open to trying but I don’t know if I can trust that people will tell me the truth. I feel myself feeling like a 12 yr old right now wanting to run and hide. That tells me it’s my eating disorder chiming in. Whenever I act like a 12 yr old, my ED is always running the show. I know, know, know this and trust myself enough to stop thinking about whether or not to trust people. Oh, I still need to listen to others but I need to use that information and take what I can use and leave the rest. Back in the grey area of thinking with balance….See, as long as I stay in the grey area of anything, it’s good. I’m trying to find balance, find the truth to myself without lying or manipulating it. Sorry for the ramble…it’s just been awhile since I’ve written to you.
Love, XXX