Tuesday, March 22, 2011

One More Thing...

Just wrote this letter to @VoiceInRecovery (twitter) and wanted to share it here too

Dear Body,

A little over a year ago I started writing you letters as a type of last resort. Due to a million different reasons, some mine and some due to medications…some due to just plain giving up and depression, I gained a large amount of weight and have carried it around for a few short years. My idea was to get to try to love you. Because I hated you. I physically did NOT like you. I didn’t like how you looked, how you moved, how you acted. I despised you and I realized that I could not live with you any longer. This was a far distance from a few years earlier back when I was unhealthily underweight after the birth of my daughter and anorexic a few years earlier back from that. I’ve also gain large amounts of weight in the past too, but had always lost the weight by starving and restricting and falling into anorexics patterns.

Hating myself physically at this weight comes easy. Although I did not have a desire to be anorexic any longer (my 13th year of eating disorders recovery was paying off) I did not like being at this heavier weight either. I have spent the last year getting to know you and building a relationship with you and trying my hardest to be kind to you, when it’s the hardest thing in the world to do. I wanted to be angry at you and be frustrated at you. I felt betrayed and hurt that I was trapped in YOU( my body) and not able to break free from YOU. I could not get away, no matter how hard I tried. Little by little, as I wrote letter by letter, I gained a relationship with you. I learned to get to know you and to be kind to you and listened to you too. Although I still wanted to change the outside of you, it was getting better as OUR relationship was getting better. I felt happier. Funny though…still at my heaviest ever, I was the happiest ever. I was beginning to see that it really isn’t about the weight. Still, I wished for the outside to change and knew that I had more work to do.

Not too long ago, I quit placing emphasis on my weight because that really was not becoming the focus of my journey. There is still a slight focus on the weight (hey, I’m still working on it!) but I started merging myself and YOU into just one person…not separated as it’s been our whole lives. Somehow we have become one and it’s myself that I feel I am working on now. I am finally me! This had nothing to do with weight. This had to do with becoming a whole person and finding out who all of I am. This had nothing to do with weight! I found myself from the inside out.

Just this morning I gave myself the best compliment I have ever given myself in my entire life. I told myself for the first time that I was a good Mom. That took me 6 years and 23 days to finally believe that I am a good Mommy. That’s a long time to go without believing in yourself. I felt self love this morning. I finally learned to love myself regardless of what my weight is. What a journey this has been. I wish I hadn’t waited so long, but it’s the feeling is worth all the hard work.

From The Inside Out.

March 22, 2011

Dear Body,

Good Morning. I was thinking over the last few days while I was making breakfast a few minutes ago and I was thinking of a scenario with my daughter that I was very proud of. One of those reasons that they make Moms for. A “Mommy Moment”. Regardless, I don’t even know what to say right now because I just paid myself the best compliment I have and could ever give myself. I honestly told myself that I am a good mom. This feels so good that I am crying. It took me 6 years and 23 days to tell myself this for the first time. That’s a long time to go before you tell yourself that you are a good Mom. I feel like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is something that has been missing. Something that I, myself have been holding back and it just broke through. I felt some love come through and it sure felt good. Again…from the inside out. I actually felt love for myself. It happened.

Love, XXX

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm On The Road!

March 21, 2011

Dear Body,
I joked around with the husband the other night about my weight and wether he'd rather me be like "this" (with my weight on the high end) or be "sick" like I use to be. He didn't think it was funny and said in a serious tone, "now is much better".
It got me quiet and has me still thinking about the question. I "use" to like being sick....when I was sick. I liked being very thin. I liked the bones, the empty feeling, the high. The feelings I don't want to fantasize about too much right now because I don't care to go down that road. But do I like being like this better? Do I have to choose? I guess I don't know how to answer that. If I HAD to choose, I can't honestly say I know how to honestly answer it truthfully. I don't know if I can be that honest with myself. Something is blocking me from answering it. Maybe I'm afraid I'll actually say "yes". "YES, I like being on the overweight side for xyz reasons". Don't ask me what in the hell, those reasons would be, lol. On the other hand, maybe I'm afraid I'll say "no". "No, I would rather still be sick and still would rather be on the sick side than this". I'm really afraid of both of those answers. I don't know if I even want to explore either one of them. I think the truth is, I don't want to be where I am now and I don't want to be where I was then. I'm still aiming for the middle. I guess that's good though...it's not all to one side (as in the thinnest side only) and I really do look at myself being in the middle. In the grey area...the balanced area.
I don't think I've mentioned in a long time where I am body wise. I've lost XX amount of pounds. It's been very slow. I believe it is due to my B medication that I was put on to help counteract the A medication. I sure wish it were faster, but then again, I've been dealing with this for quite a few years now and am working through the process of it. I have come to terms with the fact that I don't believe I could get through this any other way than the way it has gone. Recovery is such a long, long process...I believe for anyone, but certainly for me. It takes its' sweet ole' time and moves in its' own ways and understanding and I'm kind of along for the ride and just keep working my recovery as much as I can...taking breaks when I feel the need to...putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward and realizing that even when I seem to backslide, I'm probably NOT backsliding, I'm just moving sideways down the path for awhile looking in a different direction. I move slow and learn the hard way, usually taking the same message many different angles to penetrate to get me to learn and understand. I really don't think I'd be getting the same message about myself and learning to love me for who I am if I was anorexic thin trying to gain weight. For MYSELF...no one else, but myself, it's harder to go from being stuck in a overweight body to losing it and finding myself again from the inside out. I've got a lot further to go, but I'm on the road.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Peace & Happiness

March 10, 2011

Dear Body,

Today I saw a lady in her late 70's...no, had to be her early 80's and she was clearly anorexic. You could tell that perfection was part of her demure' and her upbringing and she has had never let it go til that day. I made a mental note that I don't want to be HER. I don't. I clearly don't want to be obese, but I'll take a little around the middle (very little and way less than I am now. Way less) and enjoy life and peace in my mind than be so rigid that I can't let any enjoyment in my life. I want to be happy. That lady was NOT happy. But, she was skinny. If there's a choice to have, I choose to NOT be skinny. Huge lesson for me today. Kind of put another notch in my recovery road...I'm accepting my age a bit and it feels good. I don't have this need any more to feel like I wanted to in my 20's or my 30's. My 40's are a different feeling for me. Less of looks and more of enjoyment. Not out of the woods yet as the weight issue is still here, but there isn't a need to fit into a size x any longer or weight xxx any longer. That feels good. Feels a bit healthier. I've let go of the anorexia...as it died it me awhile ago but the other day I was at the gym and a girl next to me was clearly anorexic and it stirred up feelings of loss in me. Made me miss it for about 1/10th of a second...before I stopped myself from fantasizing about how it felt and realized that THAT was NOT how I wanted to think. It had just been so long since I've allowed myself to feel that feeling. It was definitely visiting an old drug. It felt very, very good/warm/inviting/seducing/lovely and the second I felt it I wanted more. The second I felt it I knew I needed to get away from it. I don't want that anymore. It does me no good. I like this new way of thinking. It actually isn't a new way of thinking because I've thought like this for a long time now, but it is nice that it's being cemented in my thoughts and becoming a permanent way of thinking where I don't have to "try" so hard to think that way. It's become almost natural. So opposite of my eating disorder. But damn, can ED come in at any given moment of time with no warning and just take over regardless of all the work I've done to get to where I am.

Still today, I made a victory with making a choice in my mind after seeing the woman in her 80’s. I’ve known for quite awhile that I don’t want to go back to anorexia…which sounds funny because right now I’m not even anorexic, but after today I want more from life than what anorexia promises to give you because I know that it’s just an empty lie. I truly understand that being as thin as possible doesn’t bring happiness on so many different levels. I want to enjoy and live life from the inside out where I can keep growing and expanding my boundaries and limits. Living from the outside in doesn’t give me much room to move. It’s already defined me. I have to live in those means just to stay confined in the lines that I created myself and am determined to keep. That doesn’t bring me peace or happiness. Peace and happiness is what I truly desire…size and weight doesn’t exist in that category. I finally believe this.

Love, XXX