Monday, January 31, 2011

Dear Body, I'm sane today.


Dear Body,

I was talking with a friend today who was questioning on how much weight she would need to gain to gain being sane again. Her question brought me to think how I was just grateful for this exact thought over the weekend. With, of course, a bit of a twist. An eating disorder twist, that is. I was out with my husband for a night on the town for his birthday and we were surrounded by beautiful women. I felt good in all the ways except one. My weight. But I felt good in every other way possible. My mind was sane, my thoughts were sane, and my reactions were level and even as were my moods. I wasn’t thinking, acting, or behaving irrational. We went out to dinner. I ordered food without all the various counting in my head and going back and forth on what I was going to get (well, a little but on the normal side) and how I was going to burn it off or get rid of it somehow today or not eat tomorrow. I simply ate my dinner with a quiet mind with food that tasted great and company of my husband and friends that I enjoyed. I felt great with my sane mind. A few years ago with my weight being much less and me wondering how the hell I could keep the weight as far down as possible would keep my insane thinking going. It was a vicious cycle. Now, I am thankful for my sane thinking and feeling on most days. However I wish my weight was different. But is one better than the other? I have to say yes. Been there, done that on both side many of times and I’d like to say that there is more of an middle than where I’m at now and I will experience it as I get healthier and as I keep working my recovery. Yes, the sane side is better. It is much better than the not-so-sane-side. In my opinion anyways.

My dear body that I can be so cruel to…I’m finally starting to see you in a true new light. Yea:) Something big is changing from the inside out. This part isn’t about the weight. This is bigger than the weight and much more than what the weight is about. I’m starting to somehow appreciate you in a different light and not quite sure how this is happening, but over time, this IS happening. I hope you can see the difference and feel the difference from me. This is real. I’m a little bit more in synch with you and not so distant. I am glad that we are starting to get on the same side and starting to form some type of a relationship. I didn’t realize that it’s a little less lonely having you a part of me. There’s still more to come and more to go with where we need to go but I can see this is all good. You’ve sure been patient with me.

Love, XXX

Monday, January 24, 2011

Dear Ed. Fuck You

*may be triggering


Dear ED,

I was asked a question today and it reminded me of you.

Q: Is my eating disorder considered self-injury even though i don't cut or mutilate?
A: My personal guess is yes. I’ve always considered mine at least self destruction.

Answering that question brought you into the picture again because what I could have written after that, was that cutting and self mutilating comes later.
At least it did for me.
Ed, you are one dark, twisted son of a bitch. You are so sneaky and twisted on how you will self harm and self destruct and self hate. It has only recently has become clear to me in the last couple of year that I actually even cut in the first place. I don’t even think I know what cutting was. Then when I did know what it was, the way I cut was not stereotypical of what a “cutter” does. I slash out of anger at myself. Out of self hatred. That is you ED. Fuck you I’m writting this I’m realizing that I’ve done it enough times to count. You are dark, dark, dark. God, stay away from me. What a manuplitive twisted disease you are. You appear to be one thing and at one time I really believed you. In the end, the truth comes out and this is you being reveled. This is you being ripped open to the core. You’re being expose Ed. How dark and twisted you are. I hope I don’t lose this vision of you. It makes me appreciate me and the body I am in right now. I don’t know how long this will last for but this has lasted a minute which is longer than I recall happening in the past. Wow.

Fuck you Ed.

Love, XXX

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Dear XXX, I've waited a long time to write you...


Dear XXX,

I’ve waited a long time to write you because I think I’ve waited a long time to say what it is that I’m going to say. I also think YOU are going to take a long time to listen to what I have to say. This is your time that you have to do your work in. You don’t get another chance. This is it. Enough of the excuses. Enough of the reasons. Weather or not they exist, weather or not they are real, weather or not they ring true and they are they truth, it doesn’t matter…you don’t have an excuse. You haven’t worked out barely for months. You’ve eaten pretty good, but you could eat better. There is better without pressure. You know that.There’s following your food plan and following it without turning back. You can hit your 30 days and get your mediallioin. You can do this. At least 1 medallion. Maybe 2. 60 days you can do. Food wise. Then workout wise too. This isn’t about weight. You know that. This is about everything but. This is about strength and stamania and courage and devotion and courage and putting one foot in front of the other and taking baby steps and doing the next right thing and then doing the next right thing after that. This is getting to sleep at night when I don’t want to. This is laying down with xxx and shutting my eyes. This is getting up before xxx gets up before work and going to the gym, this is going out to the bus stop with xxx and going for a walk afterwards in the freezing cold.

You can do this. You can.This is what this year is all about. Last year is over with and it’s done. You have a lot to go and you can do it. Keep on doing the next right thing XXX. I’ve been waiting a long time to talk to you and I hope you’re listening.

Love, Your Body

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I passed the Test of Faith

Dear Body,
I have written to you in a few days now because the last time I did, it was posted all over my facebook page for the whole world to read. It was up on facebook for most of the morning and God know who of my 130 "friends" read it. You'd think I freak out, right? Well, I didn't. It has to do with the last few letters I've been writting. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am. Tired of feeling shame over my eating disorders and my million of other disorders and labels and issues and problems. If people can't handle that, then, "oh well"...not my problem. I can't help what people can't deal with. My last few letters were put to the test and wether or not I really meant what I said. I guess I meant it because not only did I not freak out, I haven't let it bother me at all. Something in me has really changed. Now, I know this is the same type of change it takes for me to accept my body. Am I there? No. Not yet...but I just took one huge leap of "something" that got me through what could of been a devestaviting time and choose to turn it around by my deep belief in myself. I don't think I could of done that unless I had started a relationship with you. I needed to have YOU on my side in order to make that big of a statement and really mean it and then DO it. It was almost like a test of my faith. And I passed! I guess a test I could of gone without, but timing was perfect I have to say. Things happen the way they happen for a reason, I believe that. My lesson was well timed. I'll think more on accepting myself as is tomorrow...tonight I'm going to not think about losing weight. I'll just try to maintain where I am and accept that I'm not trying to lose weight. Goddd, that's hard to do, even for one night. I can do this for one night. I went to an EDA meeting tonight and one of the girls there stated she was going to try to focus this week on maintaining and not losing weight...I can do that for a night. Considering it's 1:20 in the morning already and I have to get up in a few hours, I think I can do this...Good night.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Follow my blog with bloglovin

Friends Forever!

Okay Body..get this. I started reading blog after blog tonight because I started a Recovery Blog Hop on my own blog. I should say Blog…capital B, because I’m declaring it important in Our life. It is the place I go to talk to about us and Ed and try to figure this shit out. There are actually others out there like me. I mean, I know there are. This is how I felt when I first found out that I had an eating disorder. I thought I was alone. Then, through the years and the people I met and the friendships, acquaintances I’ve met and the relationships I’ve acquired, I realized that this IS my life. I have never had to feel the need to explain my eating disorder friends. But I’ve had many to feel the “need” to tell ME how my eating disorder WORLD has disrupted their “regular world”.

It’s funny, because I HAVE mentioned that my “eating disorder friends” are different than my “regular” friends. I hate the difference between the meanings of the two of those. If you take Eating Disorder Friends AND Regular Friends and break it down what does it mean? What does it show? I don’t know what the difference is when I say it, but it does have a difference when you say it and we all know what we mean. But here’s the thing. My “eating disorder friends” are the ones I’m honest with and know that I’m struggling and I am feeling like I’m worthless today because of my size. My regular friend doesn’t know that. I wouldn’t dare say those words to them because I don’t trust the response that comes out of their mouth. I don’t trust they know what I’m feeling and going though. I don’t trust that they looked in the mirror and saw someone different than everyone else saw. OR that I had to have my snack when “she” didn’t, or my jeans felt snug after weight restoration and I couldn’t handle it. Or when I feel fat and know it’s really a feeling and just want to crumble up inside and die. I needed my “peeps” in a way that was more than just friendship. It was sisterhood. A bond like no other. One of those friendships that you only get like you do when you’ve been friends with someone since you have been friends since grade school. THOSE are the type of friends that WE become. THOSE are the type of friends “eating disorder” friends become. I will take an “eating disorder” friend over a “regular” friend ANYDAY. Sisterhood man. It’s strong:)
- Love, XXX

Not sure what I am right now...


Dear Body,

I need someone to talk to…I was having a talk with my friend on facebook and we were talking about deleting posts when it reveled something about our eating disorders…and this is what I wrote (the beginning part):

I hear ya with the deleting the posts sometimes...then again sometimes, I'm like fuck it. That's who I am. I mean really, sometimes it more than I can stand to think that I have to hide me and who I am. I am just fine and am tired of being ashamed for being me. Like XXX went to our marriage counselor for the first time alone today and he kind of told me how it went but all of a sudden I feel shamed for me being me cuz XXX said that Yes, sometimes it’s hard and it's frustrating I felt ashamed. Not so much in front of XXX but in front of this lady who doesn’t really know me. Then it makes me feel insecure with my husband afterwards. It's twisted. But fuck that...I'm who I am, frustrating or not to be around. If XXX thinks I'm too hard to be with then he doesn't have to be with me. Shit, where did that come out of?

I’ve spent many years feeling like shit because of the issues I have had, the problems I’ve encountered, the poor choices I’ve made and the genuine bad things that shouldn’t have happened to me. Most of it my fault, some of it not, especially the bad stuff. Others have treated me abusively and wronged me and that’s done nothing but add to how I felt bad about myself. But in reality, me as a person am not bad. My core existence is of good value and I can hold my head up high. I do not need anyone to tell me that it’s frustrating to be with me. That I’m hard work to be around. If I am, then don’t be around me. I’ve been told too many times that I’m defective but more than one person. I don’t need it put to me in a more gentler way with the same meaning.

I’m not hurt or mad or sad but I’m crying slow, hard, deep tears coming from my soul and I don’t know what they are about.

More later on,


Saturday, January 1, 2011

First Blog Hop

What is a blog hop?

Basically a blog hop is a blog carnival on steroids.

With a blog carnival one blogger will play host and post a bunch of links to other blogs. Sometimes they will have these links sent to them through email and then post them. But, with applications like Linky Tools it’s easiest for them to just place some simple code on their web site and allow anyone who wants to participate to add their link to the post using the application.

A blog hop, on the other hand, allows more than one blog to host a carnival at the same time. It is a great application created by Linky Tools and makes it so that any URL link added on one of the “hosting” sites will show up on all the other “hosting” sites.

And Why should I participate?
For bloggers, this is a GREAT way to get more exposure and increase your audience! A blog hop means that if you add your link to one site it will show up on multiple sites, which can only mean good things for you! Traffic isn’t the only reason why bloggers should participate in blog carnivals/hops though, carnivals are a great way to meet new bloggers and make new connections. So, jump in, post your links, meet some new friends and build your audience!

For readers, giving people the opportunity to add their link from multiple places means more links over all and a larger list of links for you! That means more information, more recipes, more help, more encouragement, more of all that you are looking for when you read blogs! So, even if you don’t have a blog, carnivals are great for you too and you should definitely seek them out and read, read, read! Plus, most carnivals and blog hops (ours included) will encourage you to add your own opinions, or recipes in the comment section, so you can actively participate even if you don’t have a blog.

So, now that you know the general info on what a blog hop is, let me tell you about our blog hop:

Basically "our" blog hop is about the recovery world and those in the eating disorder community. I am hoping to connect us together who share what we have in common, our eating disorders and our desire to recover from our eating disorders. So if you have a blog, please consider joining our blog hop. This is a great way to meet new readers, get motivated in recovery, discover new blogs and also to bring new traffic to your own site. It's a win win situation! It's all good:)
This is also a Thumbnail link which means instead of using a actual link you need to use a jpeg of somesort. It could be your logo, your photo (you do not need to use your picture), a flower, etc. I'm all about creativity because I think it makes the world a better place. Plus it looks pretty:)
Hope you join in!
Love, XXX

ps. The Blog Hop will run from Jan 1 - Jan 7, 2011. If its a successful thing then there will be more in the future!