Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Thought Chain


Dear Body,

Hi. Long time it’s been since I’ve talked to you. Steve and I went to our marriage counselor today. Surprised that we go to one? I, of course like it. It helps solve many issues that we have. Which is only a few. Those same ones that occur in a marriage that don’t seem to go away. We are figuring them out which is cool. Talked about me doing a thought chain today. Well, we actually did one. Here it is…

This somehow amazed Steve that all these thoughts when on in my head. Funny. This is “normal” for me. This was a thought chain of when Steve came home from being out of town. I got scared because he was in a quiet moment and I took that as he was having doubts about us (I know, I know…just go with me here…) and our marriage. So I started crying. So, I worked my way backwards and figured out what made me start crying…it was I questioned Steve…because I was wondering what was wrong….because I was feeling fat (funny how this ALWAYS gets thrown in there!)….which was because I was thinking while waiting for him to get home about how he thinking about our relationship and wondering if he thinks I’m skinny enough for him because if I’m not will he leave me or go have an affair and wondering if I’m a good enough wife and a good enough mom. Trauma from my past latches on and the abandonment issues start in and ALL these thoughts were going on which lead me up to feeling so insecure and shameful so it was very easy to start crying and thinking that Steve thought something was wrong with our relationship. When in fact….NO! – He was tired. See…this is how we work. He’s simple…I’m complicated. We’re working on it. I’m working on it. Things are good. Life is good. Recovery keeps moving just as life does. Am I happy? Yea, I think I am. Life is good.

Love, XXX

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Dear XXX


Dear XXX,

Cheer Up. Grow up. She’s 6. She sees what she sees and only hears what she hears to know what she knows. She doesn’t have the feelings behind it, so don’t take it personal and knock it off. She’s 6 and is in the observative stage of life where she notices what’s going on and sees what is.

Really, XXX…you sat with your beautiful girlfriends today, and I listened to you describe how you use to abuse your body with anorexia ways. So abusive and full of hatred. You told your girlfriends that you could never treat your body that way again. I was so proud of you. YOU finally treated me the way I wanted to be treated. YOU talked about me like you cared and loved me. I was thrilled. I’ve never heard you talk that way before. That was this MORNING. So, this EVENING as your innocent 6 yr old daughter spoke her words, which were just words…you were already armored by your own thoughts and inner peace. You did it. You did not need to feel devastated because your size does not dictate who you are. I know you and I know you’ve had years and years and a actually a lifetime of body image issues and feel insecure with whatever size you have been regardless of you being smaller or bigger. You actually handled this well…for YOU. Others may of questioned it, with concern, but I…as YOUR body, am quite pleased. I have been through your abuse from your hatred and misuse and you actually did a really good job on not taking it out on me and I have to say that shows maturity on your part.

This morning listening to you was what I was waiting for our whole life. Don’t let what XXX said tonight get you down. You handled it well as a mother, and as a woman. You handled it damn well as someone with an eating disorder. You are well into your recovery and you should be proud. It’s not about your size XXX. You’ve always been the same person on the inside. That doesn’t change. Your size does not dictate who you are. I’m proud of you for standing up for me and talking about me in such a loving and caring way. When we are in this together and working together, things are so much better. Finding peace on the inside is so worth this effort, isn’t it?

Love, Your Body

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Biggest Fear...damn.


Dear Body,

This will be my last letter to you. I guess I’ve been waiting for this moment for a few years now. Somehow I thought it would be a tad more traumatic than it was. In reality, it hurt far more than it did. My 6 year old daughter finally said the words to me that I never wanted to hear and feared more than words that would come from my husband about wanting to divorce me. Fortunately, the warrior I am, surprised as hell but not shocked because what else the hell am I going to do…have remained calm. As I heard my daughter say…”Mom, YOU are fat.” Not once, but twice…and then I said, “what did you say?” in a caring voice which was soft, only because I knew what I was hearing was “it”…and she said it a third time. For some reason, I get calm in the midst of the storm. I don’t know why but I do. I asked her “if that was wrong or bad” and she said, “you are fat” and I said “but that has nothing to do with it. Is that wrong or bad?” and she said “you are fat. Remind yourself this is the 6th time she has said it. Now, I am confused. Am I saying the wrong this to my child? She’s only saying what she’s seeing. She’s speaking the truth and I’m feeling like shit. But am I saying the wrong thing to my child? Are we on the same page? I’m still confused. I don’t know. She confused me. I confused me. I’m just confused. But still….I am the mother and I am calm and I explain how I am on medication and my medication has caused some of my weight. This was after she told me that I am fat because I eat too much. I told her no, I do not eat too much. Grrrrr. God damn it, I do not think anyone can understand how much I will never go down the anorexia road again. I am not ready to explain it but just this morning, I sat with a bunch of my wonderful girlfriends and I talked about how I could NEVER treat my body the same way that I treated it like I did. How I was so disrespectful to myself and hateful and wrong and it was so sad. Just a week ago, I was being so insecure with my body and I finally said to my husband, “would you rather me be “this way” or “sick?”…he said in a very serious tone, “like this”. He’s not joking around either. He saw the sick side of me. I knew the sick side of me. Only a few saw the sick side of me. That’s enough. For what ever reason I needed others to see that side of me, they saw. I don’t even know why they had to see it. I don’t know the purpose it served. Something deep and wanting to be hugged I am sure. I finally love you my body. I love myself. I am finally one. One in itself. I actually feel whole. I still have further to go and will still write more. But this chapter is done. Dear Body….thank you for giving you me back. The end!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

One More Thing...

Just wrote this letter to @VoiceInRecovery (twitter) and wanted to share it here too

Dear Body,

A little over a year ago I started writing you letters as a type of last resort. Due to a million different reasons, some mine and some due to medications…some due to just plain giving up and depression, I gained a large amount of weight and have carried it around for a few short years. My idea was to get to try to love you. Because I hated you. I physically did NOT like you. I didn’t like how you looked, how you moved, how you acted. I despised you and I realized that I could not live with you any longer. This was a far distance from a few years earlier back when I was unhealthily underweight after the birth of my daughter and anorexic a few years earlier back from that. I’ve also gain large amounts of weight in the past too, but had always lost the weight by starving and restricting and falling into anorexics patterns.

Hating myself physically at this weight comes easy. Although I did not have a desire to be anorexic any longer (my 13th year of eating disorders recovery was paying off) I did not like being at this heavier weight either. I have spent the last year getting to know you and building a relationship with you and trying my hardest to be kind to you, when it’s the hardest thing in the world to do. I wanted to be angry at you and be frustrated at you. I felt betrayed and hurt that I was trapped in YOU( my body) and not able to break free from YOU. I could not get away, no matter how hard I tried. Little by little, as I wrote letter by letter, I gained a relationship with you. I learned to get to know you and to be kind to you and listened to you too. Although I still wanted to change the outside of you, it was getting better as OUR relationship was getting better. I felt happier. Funny though…still at my heaviest ever, I was the happiest ever. I was beginning to see that it really isn’t about the weight. Still, I wished for the outside to change and knew that I had more work to do.

Not too long ago, I quit placing emphasis on my weight because that really was not becoming the focus of my journey. There is still a slight focus on the weight (hey, I’m still working on it!) but I started merging myself and YOU into just one person…not separated as it’s been our whole lives. Somehow we have become one and it’s myself that I feel I am working on now. I am finally me! This had nothing to do with weight. This had to do with becoming a whole person and finding out who all of I am. This had nothing to do with weight! I found myself from the inside out.

Just this morning I gave myself the best compliment I have ever given myself in my entire life. I told myself for the first time that I was a good Mom. That took me 6 years and 23 days to finally believe that I am a good Mommy. That’s a long time to go without believing in yourself. I felt self love this morning. I finally learned to love myself regardless of what my weight is. What a journey this has been. I wish I hadn’t waited so long, but it’s the feeling is worth all the hard work.

From The Inside Out.

March 22, 2011

Dear Body,

Good Morning. I was thinking over the last few days while I was making breakfast a few minutes ago and I was thinking of a scenario with my daughter that I was very proud of. One of those reasons that they make Moms for. A “Mommy Moment”. Regardless, I don’t even know what to say right now because I just paid myself the best compliment I have and could ever give myself. I honestly told myself that I am a good mom. This feels so good that I am crying. It took me 6 years and 23 days to tell myself this for the first time. That’s a long time to go before you tell yourself that you are a good Mom. I feel like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is something that has been missing. Something that I, myself have been holding back and it just broke through. I felt some love come through and it sure felt good. Again…from the inside out. I actually felt love for myself. It happened.

Love, XXX

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm On The Road!

March 21, 2011

Dear Body,
I joked around with the husband the other night about my weight and wether he'd rather me be like "this" (with my weight on the high end) or be "sick" like I use to be. He didn't think it was funny and said in a serious tone, "now is much better".
It got me quiet and has me still thinking about the question. I "use" to like being sick....when I was sick. I liked being very thin. I liked the bones, the empty feeling, the high. The feelings I don't want to fantasize about too much right now because I don't care to go down that road. But do I like being like this better? Do I have to choose? I guess I don't know how to answer that. If I HAD to choose, I can't honestly say I know how to honestly answer it truthfully. I don't know if I can be that honest with myself. Something is blocking me from answering it. Maybe I'm afraid I'll actually say "yes". "YES, I like being on the overweight side for xyz reasons". Don't ask me what in the hell, those reasons would be, lol. On the other hand, maybe I'm afraid I'll say "no". "No, I would rather still be sick and still would rather be on the sick side than this". I'm really afraid of both of those answers. I don't know if I even want to explore either one of them. I think the truth is, I don't want to be where I am now and I don't want to be where I was then. I'm still aiming for the middle. I guess that's good though...it's not all to one side (as in the thinnest side only) and I really do look at myself being in the middle. In the grey area...the balanced area.
I don't think I've mentioned in a long time where I am body wise. I've lost XX amount of pounds. It's been very slow. I believe it is due to my B medication that I was put on to help counteract the A medication. I sure wish it were faster, but then again, I've been dealing with this for quite a few years now and am working through the process of it. I have come to terms with the fact that I don't believe I could get through this any other way than the way it has gone. Recovery is such a long, long process...I believe for anyone, but certainly for me. It takes its' sweet ole' time and moves in its' own ways and understanding and I'm kind of along for the ride and just keep working my recovery as much as I can...taking breaks when I feel the need to...putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward and realizing that even when I seem to backslide, I'm probably NOT backsliding, I'm just moving sideways down the path for awhile looking in a different direction. I move slow and learn the hard way, usually taking the same message many different angles to penetrate to get me to learn and understand. I really don't think I'd be getting the same message about myself and learning to love me for who I am if I was anorexic thin trying to gain weight. For MYSELF...no one else, but myself, it's harder to go from being stuck in a overweight body to losing it and finding myself again from the inside out. I've got a lot further to go, but I'm on the road.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Peace & Happiness

March 10, 2011

Dear Body,

Today I saw a lady in her late 70's...no, had to be her early 80's and she was clearly anorexic. You could tell that perfection was part of her demure' and her upbringing and she has had never let it go til that day. I made a mental note that I don't want to be HER. I don't. I clearly don't want to be obese, but I'll take a little around the middle (very little and way less than I am now. Way less) and enjoy life and peace in my mind than be so rigid that I can't let any enjoyment in my life. I want to be happy. That lady was NOT happy. But, she was skinny. If there's a choice to have, I choose to NOT be skinny. Huge lesson for me today. Kind of put another notch in my recovery road...I'm accepting my age a bit and it feels good. I don't have this need any more to feel like I wanted to in my 20's or my 30's. My 40's are a different feeling for me. Less of looks and more of enjoyment. Not out of the woods yet as the weight issue is still here, but there isn't a need to fit into a size x any longer or weight xxx any longer. That feels good. Feels a bit healthier. I've let go of the anorexia...as it died it me awhile ago but the other day I was at the gym and a girl next to me was clearly anorexic and it stirred up feelings of loss in me. Made me miss it for about 1/10th of a second...before I stopped myself from fantasizing about how it felt and realized that THAT was NOT how I wanted to think. It had just been so long since I've allowed myself to feel that feeling. It was definitely visiting an old drug. It felt very, very good/warm/inviting/seducing/lovely and the second I felt it I wanted more. The second I felt it I knew I needed to get away from it. I don't want that anymore. It does me no good. I like this new way of thinking. It actually isn't a new way of thinking because I've thought like this for a long time now, but it is nice that it's being cemented in my thoughts and becoming a permanent way of thinking where I don't have to "try" so hard to think that way. It's become almost natural. So opposite of my eating disorder. But damn, can ED come in at any given moment of time with no warning and just take over regardless of all the work I've done to get to where I am.

Still today, I made a victory with making a choice in my mind after seeing the woman in her 80’s. I’ve known for quite awhile that I don’t want to go back to anorexia…which sounds funny because right now I’m not even anorexic, but after today I want more from life than what anorexia promises to give you because I know that it’s just an empty lie. I truly understand that being as thin as possible doesn’t bring happiness on so many different levels. I want to enjoy and live life from the inside out where I can keep growing and expanding my boundaries and limits. Living from the outside in doesn’t give me much room to move. It’s already defined me. I have to live in those means just to stay confined in the lines that I created myself and am determined to keep. That doesn’t bring me peace or happiness. Peace and happiness is what I truly desire…size and weight doesn’t exist in that category. I finally believe this.

Love, XXX

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'm sad...


Dear Body,

My husband and almost 6 yr old daughter are drawing pictures of each other and I’m want to ask my daughter to draw a picture of her mommy but I’m too afraid of what she’ll draw. That makes me cry.


Monday, February 7, 2011

My anorexia died last night.


Dear Body,

Last night I started writing a list of subjects that I need to discuss with my therapist. Usually, I just go in and wing it, however, I’m feeling the need to focus and concentrate on getting some of these issues out because they are body image issues and quite honestly, I’m over this eating disorder crap. I know they say the body image issues are the last to go, but come on…this is lingering way past it’s welcome. ED is throwing out everything he’s got right now, and I’m just using it to throw back on the fire and get rid of it. Rah Rah, ME.

I miss the space about feeling special about feeling special about being really thin and bones and oh god, I’m almost forgetting what it’s feeling like. I’m almost forgetting. This is a loss. I’m dying but not dying…the anorexia is dying. And it hurts. Really bad. I’m feeling the physical aspect of the disease in me. It’s dying right now. It hurts. It’s going away though.. But that doesn’t make it feel better. I miss it. I don’t really want to see it go. I don’t see good things for it to go. I don’t see really why it has to go but I understand why it has to go. I am not into this fantasizing about being thin. I could live it forever if my body was meant to be it. But my recovered body is not. Oh…it’s not meant to be where it is now. But it’s not meant to be where it was. But I still miss it. And that’s my right. I get to miss it because it was mine. No one else’s. I had it and I experienced it and to me it felt really good in a really sick sense. There are many things to be said about what is wrong about it…but I’m focusing on what is good about it. And I am reading what I’m writing and I see shame written all over it. Jesus. I even have to make up excuses to myself for why it’s okay to like being thin. I miss feeling special the way feeling thin made me feel. Why can’t I capture that in my body now? I can’t get to that “special” feeling. I know the majority of my depression stems from this feeling of me feeling “nothing” about myself. Is that self esteem? No..I don’t think so. I know others with eating disorders can relate. I was talking to XXX about this exact thing and it’s the first time I have opened up to another person about this. Up until now I’ve been ashamed to talk about it. Ashamed about that “special” feeling that I felt when I was thin. Maybe it felt like I’d be boasting about myself and too proud about myself in a fake materialistic way because I knew/know that the outside looks really don’t matter. But it sure in hell felt good. Sorry, I’m kind of all over the place in my writing right now…just lots of things coming to mind as I write.

Okay…this I’m sure of. Last night my anorexia died in me. I wrote some of the above last night and then cried my eyes out. Cried like my best friend died. It hurt as it was leaving. It was physical. This morning, it’s not there. I think I’ve heard about others having their anorexia die in them and I understood but didn’t understand. Until now. I’m actually felt it die. Hmmm. I think it’s been a long, slow, painful death for it and it took a long time. I’ve been letting go of it for a long now time and think I let it go last night. Something happened last night. I think the anorexia died.

Too bad I couldn’t have been skinny for it. Hahahaha, okay, you HAVE to have an eating disorder to think that was funny. Come on’, that was super funny. I said the anorexia died, not my sense of humor.

Love, XXX

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Awesome spot to be in!

February 3, 2011

Dear Body,

Things are good right now. I’ve been playing catch up with some ED friends on where I am in my own recovery. By doing so, I found that I’m surprisingly in a better spot than I thought I was. I stated that “I now have more in front of me to work on, than behind me to work on and that feels awesome”. I LOVE that statement. I even used it on my facebook status! I’ve finally reached the tipping point on the scales in recovery with after all these years and after all this hard work where I’m not working on my past any longer but working on the present things like my family and bettering my relationship with them and raising my daughter the best I know how and things such as self care and self love. Things from my past have been discovered, talked about, cried over, tossed around, argued with, healed from and moved on from. It is an amazing spot to be in. Ironically, as I’ve said many times previously, I’m the happiest I’ve been, yet the heaviest weight I’ve ever been. Yes, I would still like that to change, but it does show me that being the thinnest in my life doesn’t make me the happiest I’ve ever been. That’s taken me years and years to believe.

I feel like this was the lesson in this for me. Point well taken. I finally believe it. Whew…got it.

Love, XXX

Monday, January 31, 2011

Dear Body, I'm sane today.


Dear Body,

I was talking with a friend today who was questioning on how much weight she would need to gain to gain being sane again. Her question brought me to think how I was just grateful for this exact thought over the weekend. With, of course, a bit of a twist. An eating disorder twist, that is. I was out with my husband for a night on the town for his birthday and we were surrounded by beautiful women. I felt good in all the ways except one. My weight. But I felt good in every other way possible. My mind was sane, my thoughts were sane, and my reactions were level and even as were my moods. I wasn’t thinking, acting, or behaving irrational. We went out to dinner. I ordered food without all the various counting in my head and going back and forth on what I was going to get (well, a little but on the normal side) and how I was going to burn it off or get rid of it somehow today or not eat tomorrow. I simply ate my dinner with a quiet mind with food that tasted great and company of my husband and friends that I enjoyed. I felt great with my sane mind. A few years ago with my weight being much less and me wondering how the hell I could keep the weight as far down as possible would keep my insane thinking going. It was a vicious cycle. Now, I am thankful for my sane thinking and feeling on most days. However I wish my weight was different. But is one better than the other? I have to say yes. Been there, done that on both side many of times and I’d like to say that there is more of an middle than where I’m at now and I will experience it as I get healthier and as I keep working my recovery. Yes, the sane side is better. It is much better than the not-so-sane-side. In my opinion anyways.

My dear body that I can be so cruel to…I’m finally starting to see you in a true new light. Yea:) Something big is changing from the inside out. This part isn’t about the weight. This is bigger than the weight and much more than what the weight is about. I’m starting to somehow appreciate you in a different light and not quite sure how this is happening, but over time, this IS happening. I hope you can see the difference and feel the difference from me. This is real. I’m a little bit more in synch with you and not so distant. I am glad that we are starting to get on the same side and starting to form some type of a relationship. I didn’t realize that it’s a little less lonely having you a part of me. There’s still more to come and more to go with where we need to go but I can see this is all good. You’ve sure been patient with me.

Love, XXX

Monday, January 24, 2011

Dear Ed. Fuck You

*may be triggering


Dear ED,

I was asked a question today and it reminded me of you.

Q: Is my eating disorder considered self-injury even though i don't cut or mutilate?
A: My personal guess is yes. I’ve always considered mine at least self destruction.

Answering that question brought you into the picture again because what I could have written after that, was that cutting and self mutilating comes later.
At least it did for me.
Ed, you are one dark, twisted son of a bitch. You are so sneaky and twisted on how you will self harm and self destruct and self hate. It has only recently has become clear to me in the last couple of year that I actually even cut in the first place. I don’t even think I know what cutting was. Then when I did know what it was, the way I cut was not stereotypical of what a “cutter” does. I slash out of anger at myself. Out of self hatred. That is you ED. Fuck you ED...as I’m writting this I’m realizing that I’ve done it enough times to count. You are dark, dark, dark. God, stay away from me. What a manuplitive twisted disease you are. You appear to be one thing and at one time I really believed you. In the end, the truth comes out and this is you being reveled. This is you being ripped open to the core. You’re being expose Ed. How dark and twisted you are. I hope I don’t lose this vision of you. It makes me appreciate me and the body I am in right now. I don’t know how long this will last for but this has lasted a minute which is longer than I recall happening in the past. Wow.

Fuck you Ed.

Love, XXX

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Dear XXX, I've waited a long time to write you...


Dear XXX,

I’ve waited a long time to write you because I think I’ve waited a long time to say what it is that I’m going to say. I also think YOU are going to take a long time to listen to what I have to say. This is your time that you have to do your work in. You don’t get another chance. This is it. Enough of the excuses. Enough of the reasons. Weather or not they exist, weather or not they are real, weather or not they ring true and they are they truth, it doesn’t matter…you don’t have an excuse. You haven’t worked out barely for months. You’ve eaten pretty good, but you could eat better. There is better without pressure. You know that.There’s following your food plan and following it without turning back. You can hit your 30 days and get your mediallioin. You can do this. At least 1 medallion. Maybe 2. 60 days you can do. Food wise. Then workout wise too. This isn’t about weight. You know that. This is about everything but. This is about strength and stamania and courage and devotion and courage and putting one foot in front of the other and taking baby steps and doing the next right thing and then doing the next right thing after that. This is getting to sleep at night when I don’t want to. This is laying down with xxx and shutting my eyes. This is getting up before xxx gets up before work and going to the gym, this is going out to the bus stop with xxx and going for a walk afterwards in the freezing cold.

You can do this. You can.This is what this year is all about. Last year is over with and it’s done. You have a lot to go and you can do it. Keep on doing the next right thing XXX. I’ve been waiting a long time to talk to you and I hope you’re listening.

Love, Your Body

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I passed the Test of Faith

Dear Body,
I have written to you in a few days now because the last time I did, it was posted all over my facebook page for the whole world to read. It was up on facebook for most of the morning and God know who of my 130 "friends" read it. You'd think I freak out, right? Well, I didn't. It has to do with the last few letters I've been writting. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am. Tired of feeling shame over my eating disorders and my million of other disorders and labels and issues and problems. If people can't handle that, then, "oh well"...not my problem. I can't help what people can't deal with. My last few letters were put to the test and wether or not I really meant what I said. I guess I meant it because not only did I not freak out, I haven't let it bother me at all. Something in me has really changed. Now, I know this is the same type of change it takes for me to accept my body. Am I there? No. Not yet...but I just took one huge leap of "something" that got me through what could of been a devestaviting time and choose to turn it around by my deep belief in myself. I don't think I could of done that unless I had started a relationship with you. I needed to have YOU on my side in order to make that big of a statement and really mean it and then DO it. It was almost like a test of my faith. And I passed! I guess a test I could of gone without, but timing was perfect I have to say. Things happen the way they happen for a reason, I believe that. My lesson was well timed. I'll think more on accepting myself as is tomorrow...tonight I'm going to not think about losing weight. I'll just try to maintain where I am and accept that I'm not trying to lose weight. Goddd, that's hard to do, even for one night. I can do this for one night. I went to an EDA meeting tonight and one of the girls there stated she was going to try to focus this week on maintaining and not losing weight...I can do that for a night. Considering it's 1:20 in the morning already and I have to get up in a few hours, I think I can do this...Good night.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Follow my blog with bloglovin

Friends Forever!

Okay Body..get this. I started reading blog after blog tonight because I started a Recovery Blog Hop on my own blog. I should say Blog…capital B, because I’m declaring it important in Our life. It is the place I go to talk to about us and Ed and try to figure this shit out. There are actually others out there like me. I mean, I know there are. This is how I felt when I first found out that I had an eating disorder. I thought I was alone. Then, through the years and the people I met and the friendships, acquaintances I’ve met and the relationships I’ve acquired, I realized that this IS my life. I have never had to feel the need to explain my eating disorder friends. But I’ve had many to feel the “need” to tell ME how my eating disorder WORLD has disrupted their “regular world”.

It’s funny, because I HAVE mentioned that my “eating disorder friends” are different than my “regular” friends. I hate the difference between the meanings of the two of those. If you take Eating Disorder Friends AND Regular Friends and break it down what does it mean? What does it show? I don’t know what the difference is when I say it, but it does have a difference when you say it and we all know what we mean. But here’s the thing. My “eating disorder friends” are the ones I’m honest with and know that I’m struggling and I am feeling like I’m worthless today because of my size. My regular friend doesn’t know that. I wouldn’t dare say those words to them because I don’t trust the response that comes out of their mouth. I don’t trust they know what I’m feeling and going though. I don’t trust that they looked in the mirror and saw someone different than everyone else saw. OR that I had to have my snack when “she” didn’t, or my jeans felt snug after weight restoration and I couldn’t handle it. Or when I feel fat and know it’s really a feeling and just want to crumble up inside and die. I needed my “peeps” in a way that was more than just friendship. It was sisterhood. A bond like no other. One of those friendships that you only get like you do when you’ve been friends with someone since you have been friends since grade school. THOSE are the type of friends that WE become. THOSE are the type of friends “eating disorder” friends become. I will take an “eating disorder” friend over a “regular” friend ANYDAY. Sisterhood man. It’s strong:)
- Love, XXX

Not sure what I am right now...


Dear Body,

I need someone to talk to…I was having a talk with my friend on facebook and we were talking about deleting posts when it reveled something about our eating disorders…and this is what I wrote (the beginning part):

I hear ya with the deleting the posts sometimes...then again sometimes, I'm like fuck it. That's who I am. I mean really, sometimes it more than I can stand to think that I have to hide me and who I am. I am just fine and am tired of being ashamed for being me. Like XXX went to our marriage counselor for the first time alone today and he kind of told me how it went but all of a sudden I feel shamed for me being me cuz XXX said that Yes, sometimes it’s hard and it's frustrating etc.....so I felt ashamed. Not so much in front of XXX but in front of this lady who doesn’t really know me. Then it makes me feel insecure with my husband afterwards. It's twisted. But fuck that...I'm who I am, frustrating or not to be around. If XXX thinks I'm too hard to be with then he doesn't have to be with me. Shit, where did that come out of?

I’ve spent many years feeling like shit because of the issues I have had, the problems I’ve encountered, the poor choices I’ve made and the genuine bad things that shouldn’t have happened to me. Most of it my fault, some of it not, especially the bad stuff. Others have treated me abusively and wronged me and that’s done nothing but add to how I felt bad about myself. But in reality, me as a person am not bad. My core existence is of good value and I can hold my head up high. I do not need anyone to tell me that it’s frustrating to be with me. That I’m hard work to be around. If I am, then don’t be around me. I’ve been told too many times that I’m defective but more than one person. I don’t need it put to me in a more gentler way with the same meaning.

I’m not hurt or mad or sad but I’m crying slow, hard, deep tears coming from my soul and I don’t know what they are about.

More later on,


Saturday, January 1, 2011

First Blog Hop

What is a blog hop?

Basically a blog hop is a blog carnival on steroids.

With a blog carnival one blogger will play host and post a bunch of links to other blogs. Sometimes they will have these links sent to them through email and then post them. But, with applications like Linky Tools it’s easiest for them to just place some simple code on their web site and allow anyone who wants to participate to add their link to the post using the application.

A blog hop, on the other hand, allows more than one blog to host a carnival at the same time. It is a great application created by Linky Tools and makes it so that any URL link added on one of the “hosting” sites will show up on all the other “hosting” sites.

And Why should I participate?
For bloggers, this is a GREAT way to get more exposure and increase your audience! A blog hop means that if you add your link to one site it will show up on multiple sites, which can only mean good things for you! Traffic isn’t the only reason why bloggers should participate in blog carnivals/hops though, carnivals are a great way to meet new bloggers and make new connections. So, jump in, post your links, meet some new friends and build your audience!

For readers, giving people the opportunity to add their link from multiple places means more links over all and a larger list of links for you! That means more information, more recipes, more help, more encouragement, more of all that you are looking for when you read blogs! So, even if you don’t have a blog, carnivals are great for you too and you should definitely seek them out and read, read, read! Plus, most carnivals and blog hops (ours included) will encourage you to add your own opinions, or recipes in the comment section, so you can actively participate even if you don’t have a blog.

So, now that you know the general info on what a blog hop is, let me tell you about our blog hop:

Basically "our" blog hop is about the recovery world and those in the eating disorder community. I am hoping to connect us together who share what we have in common, our eating disorders and our desire to recover from our eating disorders. So if you have a blog, please consider joining our blog hop. This is a great way to meet new readers, get motivated in recovery, discover new blogs and also to bring new traffic to your own site. It's a win win situation! It's all good:)
This is also a Thumbnail link which means instead of using a actual link you need to use a jpeg of somesort. It could be your logo, your photo (you do not need to use your picture), a flower, etc. I'm all about creativity because I think it makes the world a better place. Plus it looks pretty:)
Hope you join in!
Love, XXX

ps. The Blog Hop will run from Jan 1 - Jan 7, 2011. If its a successful thing then there will be more in the future!