Sunday, April 3, 2011

Dear XXX


Dear XXX,

Cheer Up. Grow up. She’s 6. She sees what she sees and only hears what she hears to know what she knows. She doesn’t have the feelings behind it, so don’t take it personal and knock it off. She’s 6 and is in the observative stage of life where she notices what’s going on and sees what is.

Really, XXX…you sat with your beautiful girlfriends today, and I listened to you describe how you use to abuse your body with anorexia ways. So abusive and full of hatred. You told your girlfriends that you could never treat your body that way again. I was so proud of you. YOU finally treated me the way I wanted to be treated. YOU talked about me like you cared and loved me. I was thrilled. I’ve never heard you talk that way before. That was this MORNING. So, this EVENING as your innocent 6 yr old daughter spoke her words, which were just words…you were already armored by your own thoughts and inner peace. You did it. You did not need to feel devastated because your size does not dictate who you are. I know you and I know you’ve had years and years and a actually a lifetime of body image issues and feel insecure with whatever size you have been regardless of you being smaller or bigger. You actually handled this well…for YOU. Others may of questioned it, with concern, but I…as YOUR body, am quite pleased. I have been through your abuse from your hatred and misuse and you actually did a really good job on not taking it out on me and I have to say that shows maturity on your part.

This morning listening to you was what I was waiting for our whole life. Don’t let what XXX said tonight get you down. You handled it well as a mother, and as a woman. You handled it damn well as someone with an eating disorder. You are well into your recovery and you should be proud. It’s not about your size XXX. You’ve always been the same person on the inside. That doesn’t change. Your size does not dictate who you are. I’m proud of you for standing up for me and talking about me in such a loving and caring way. When we are in this together and working together, things are so much better. Finding peace on the inside is so worth this effort, isn’t it?

Love, Your Body

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Biggest Fear...damn.


Dear Body,

This will be my last letter to you. I guess I’ve been waiting for this moment for a few years now. Somehow I thought it would be a tad more traumatic than it was. In reality, it hurt far more than it did. My 6 year old daughter finally said the words to me that I never wanted to hear and feared more than words that would come from my husband about wanting to divorce me. Fortunately, the warrior I am, surprised as hell but not shocked because what else the hell am I going to do…have remained calm. As I heard my daughter say…”Mom, YOU are fat.” Not once, but twice…and then I said, “what did you say?” in a caring voice which was soft, only because I knew what I was hearing was “it”…and she said it a third time. For some reason, I get calm in the midst of the storm. I don’t know why but I do. I asked her “if that was wrong or bad” and she said, “you are fat” and I said “but that has nothing to do with it. Is that wrong or bad?” and she said “you are fat. Remind yourself this is the 6th time she has said it. Now, I am confused. Am I saying the wrong this to my child? She’s only saying what she’s seeing. She’s speaking the truth and I’m feeling like shit. But am I saying the wrong thing to my child? Are we on the same page? I’m still confused. I don’t know. She confused me. I confused me. I’m just confused. But still….I am the mother and I am calm and I explain how I am on medication and my medication has caused some of my weight. This was after she told me that I am fat because I eat too much. I told her no, I do not eat too much. Grrrrr. God damn it, I do not think anyone can understand how much I will never go down the anorexia road again. I am not ready to explain it but just this morning, I sat with a bunch of my wonderful girlfriends and I talked about how I could NEVER treat my body the same way that I treated it like I did. How I was so disrespectful to myself and hateful and wrong and it was so sad. Just a week ago, I was being so insecure with my body and I finally said to my husband, “would you rather me be “this way” or “sick?”…he said in a very serious tone, “like this”. He’s not joking around either. He saw the sick side of me. I knew the sick side of me. Only a few saw the sick side of me. That’s enough. For what ever reason I needed others to see that side of me, they saw. I don’t even know why they had to see it. I don’t know the purpose it served. Something deep and wanting to be hugged I am sure. I finally love you my body. I love myself. I am finally one. One in itself. I actually feel whole. I still have further to go and will still write more. But this chapter is done. Dear Body….thank you for giving you me back. The end!