5.17.11.
Dear Body,
Hi. Long time it’s been since I’ve talked to you. X and I went to our marriage counselor today. Surprised that we go to one? I, of course like it. It helps solve many issues that we have. Which is only a few. Those same ones that occur in a marriage that don’t seem to go away. We are figuring them out which is cool. Talked about me doing a thought chain today. Well, we actually did one. Here it is…
This somehow amazed X that all these thoughts when on in my head. Funny. This is “normal” for me. This was a thought chain of when X came home from being out of town. I got scared because he was in a quiet moment and I took that as he was having doubts about us (I know, I know…just go with me here…) and our marriage. So I started crying. So, I worked my way backwards and figured out what made me start crying…it was I questioned X…because I was wondering what was wrong….because I was feeling fat (funny how this ALWAYS gets thrown in there!)….which was because I was thinking while waiting for him to get home about how he thinking about our relationship and wondering if he thinks I’m skinny enough for him because if I’m not will he leave me or go have an affair and wondering if I’m a good enough wife and a good enough mom. Certain traumas and issues latch on and then the feelings start in and ALL these thoughts were going on which lead me up to feeling so insecure and shameful so it was very easy to start crying and thinking that X's silence towards me meant something negative. When in fact….NO! – He was tired. See…this is how we work. He’s simple…I’m complicated. We’re working on it. I’m working on it. Things are good. Life is good. Recovery keeps moving just as life does. Am I happy? Yea, I think I am. Life is good.
Love, XXX
