Monday, February 7, 2011

My anorexia died last night.


Dear Body,

Last night I started writing a list of subjects that I need to discuss with my therapist. Usually, I just go in and wing it, however, I’m feeling the need to focus and concentrate on getting some of these issues out because they are body image issues and quite honestly, I’m over this eating disorder crap. I know they say the body image issues are the last to go, but come on…this is lingering way past it’s welcome. ED is throwing out everything he’s got right now, and I’m just using it to throw back on the fire and get rid of it. Rah Rah, ME.

I miss the space about feeling special about feeling special about being really thin and bones and oh god, I’m almost forgetting what it’s feeling like. I’m almost forgetting. This is a loss. I’m dying but not dying…the anorexia is dying. And it hurts. Really bad. I’m feeling the physical aspect of the disease in me. It’s dying right now. It hurts. It’s going away though.. But that doesn’t make it feel better. I miss it. I don’t really want to see it go. I don’t see good things for it to go. I don’t see really why it has to go but I understand why it has to go. I am not into this fantasizing about being thin. I could live it forever if my body was meant to be it. But my recovered body is not. Oh…it’s not meant to be where it is now. But it’s not meant to be where it was. But I still miss it. And that’s my right. I get to miss it because it was mine. No one else’s. I had it and I experienced it and to me it felt really good in a really sick sense. There are many things to be said about what is wrong about it…but I’m focusing on what is good about it. And I am reading what I’m writing and I see shame written all over it. Jesus. I even have to make up excuses to myself for why it’s okay to like being thin. I miss feeling special the way feeling thin made me feel. Why can’t I capture that in my body now? I can’t get to that “special” feeling. I know the majority of my depression stems from this feeling of me feeling “nothing” about myself. Is that self esteem? No..I don’t think so. I know others with eating disorders can relate. I was talking to XXX about this exact thing and it’s the first time I have opened up to another person about this. Up until now I’ve been ashamed to talk about it. Ashamed about that “special” feeling that I felt when I was thin. Maybe it felt like I’d be boasting about myself and too proud about myself in a fake materialistic way because I knew/know that the outside looks really don’t matter. But it sure in hell felt good. Sorry, I’m kind of all over the place in my writing right now…just lots of things coming to mind as I write.

Okay…this I’m sure of. Last night my anorexia died in me. I wrote some of the above last night and then cried my eyes out. Cried like my best friend died. It hurt as it was leaving. It was physical. This morning, it’s not there. I think I’ve heard about others having their anorexia die in them and I understood but didn’t understand. Until now. I’m actually felt it die. Hmmm. I think it’s been a long, slow, painful death for it and it took a long time. I’ve been letting go of it for a long now time and think I let it go last night. Something happened last night. I think the anorexia died.

Too bad I couldn’t have been skinny for it. Hahahaha, okay, you HAVE to have an eating disorder to think that was funny. Come on’, that was super funny. I said the anorexia died, not my sense of humor.

Love, XXX

1 comment:

  1. WOW! What an amazing feeling that must have been! I can't wait till my anorexia dies! Congratulations!