Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm On The Road!

March 21, 2011

Dear Body,
I joked around with the husband the other night about my weight and wether he'd rather me be like "this" (with my weight on the high end) or be "sick" like I use to be. He didn't think it was funny and said in a serious tone, "now is much better".
It got me quiet and has me still thinking about the question. I "use" to like being sick....when I was sick. I liked being very thin. I liked the bones, the empty feeling, the high. The feelings I don't want to fantasize about too much right now because I don't care to go down that road. But do I like being like this better? Do I have to choose? I guess I don't know how to answer that. If I HAD to choose, I can't honestly say I know how to honestly answer it truthfully. I don't know if I can be that honest with myself. Something is blocking me from answering it. Maybe I'm afraid I'll actually say "yes". "YES, I like being on the overweight side for xyz reasons". Don't ask me what in the hell, those reasons would be, lol. On the other hand, maybe I'm afraid I'll say "no". "No, I would rather still be sick and still would rather be on the sick side than this". I'm really afraid of both of those answers. I don't know if I even want to explore either one of them. I think the truth is, I don't want to be where I am now and I don't want to be where I was then. I'm still aiming for the middle. I guess that's good though...it's not all to one side (as in the thinnest side only) and I really do look at myself being in the middle. In the grey area...the balanced area.
I don't think I've mentioned in a long time where I am body wise. I've lost XX amount of pounds. It's been very slow. I believe it is due to my B medication that I was put on to help counteract the A medication. I sure wish it were faster, but then again, I've been dealing with this for quite a few years now and am working through the process of it. I have come to terms with the fact that I don't believe I could get through this any other way than the way it has gone. Recovery is such a long, long process...I believe for anyone, but certainly for me. It takes its' sweet ole' time and moves in its' own ways and understanding and I'm kind of along for the ride and just keep working my recovery as much as I can...taking breaks when I feel the need to...putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward and realizing that even when I seem to backslide, I'm probably NOT backsliding, I'm just moving sideways down the path for awhile looking in a different direction. I move slow and learn the hard way, usually taking the same message many different angles to penetrate to get me to learn and understand. I really don't think I'd be getting the same message about myself and learning to love me for who I am if I was anorexic thin trying to gain weight. For MYSELF...no one else, but myself, it's harder to go from being stuck in a overweight body to losing it and finding myself again from the inside out. I've got a lot further to go, but I'm on the road.

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