Friday, March 11, 2011

Peace & Happiness

March 10, 2011

Dear Body,

Today I saw a lady in her late 70', had to be her early 80's and she was clearly anorexic. You could tell that perfection was part of her demure' and her upbringing and she has had never let it go til that day. I made a mental note that I don't want to be HER. I don't. I clearly don't want to be obese, but I'll take a little around the middle (very little and way less than I am now. Way less) and enjoy life and peace in my mind than be so rigid that I can't let any enjoyment in my life. I want to be happy. That lady was NOT happy. But, she was skinny. If there's a choice to have, I choose to NOT be skinny. Huge lesson for me today. Kind of put another notch in my recovery road...I'm accepting my age a bit and it feels good. I don't have this need any more to feel like I wanted to in my 20's or my 30's. My 40's are a different feeling for me. Less of looks and more of enjoyment. Not out of the woods yet as the weight issue is still here, but there isn't a need to fit into a size x any longer or weight xxx any longer. That feels good. Feels a bit healthier. I've let go of the it died it me awhile ago but the other day I was at the gym and a girl next to me was clearly anorexic and it stirred up feelings of loss in me. Made me miss it for about 1/10th of a second...before I stopped myself from fantasizing about how it felt and realized that THAT was NOT how I wanted to think. It had just been so long since I've allowed myself to feel that feeling. It was definitely visiting an old drug. It felt very, very good/warm/inviting/seducing/lovely and the second I felt it I wanted more. The second I felt it I knew I needed to get away from it. I don't want that anymore. It does me no good. I like this new way of thinking. It actually isn't a new way of thinking because I've thought like this for a long time now, but it is nice that it's being cemented in my thoughts and becoming a permanent way of thinking where I don't have to "try" so hard to think that way. It's become almost natural. So opposite of my eating disorder. But damn, can ED come in at any given moment of time with no warning and just take over regardless of all the work I've done to get to where I am.

Still today, I made a victory with making a choice in my mind after seeing the woman in her 80’s. I’ve known for quite awhile that I don’t want to go back to anorexia…which sounds funny because right now I’m not even anorexic, but after today I want more from life than what anorexia promises to give you because I know that it’s just an empty lie. I truly understand that being as thin as possible doesn’t bring happiness on so many different levels. I want to enjoy and live life from the inside out where I can keep growing and expanding my boundaries and limits. Living from the outside in doesn’t give me much room to move. It’s already defined me. I have to live in those means just to stay confined in the lines that I created myself and am determined to keep. That doesn’t bring me peace or happiness. Peace and happiness is what I truly desire…size and weight doesn’t exist in that category. I finally believe this.

Love, XXX

1 comment:

  1. Well you can't run from being thin when you get old, there's so many factor of being thin, its maybe because of disease or because of his age, I've read that geriatric loose their appetite so you cannot really avoid it.