3.26.10 Dear Body

Dear Body,
I guess I don’t know what to say. I see the chart…I pretty much know what all my “numbers” have been but it’s different seeing it in print. It’s a tad chaotic. Probably much like my life has been or my emotions have been most of my life. I see that my high numbers are all when really bad things were happening (breakup of a boyfriend, divorce, death, etc.). Something interesting, all though I suspected it…when I went into the psychward for my “breakdown” or whatever you want to call it. I guess my therapist and I call it an “episode”. I am borderline personality disorder, so I guess it was related to that? I am not really sure. But it rates right up there with the rest of the high weights when bad stuff happened to me. Perhaps my way of protecting myself…certainly numbing myself with food. And the low weights…well, it was usually after a breakup with a boyfriend or AFTER drama was created. Again…a way to numb myself and make myself feel important by being at a low weight.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to think about this. I don’t think it’s normal, that’s for sure. I am suppose to bring in “our” weight chart to my therapist. I think he wants to see what my happy medium weight is. I guess I already know…the medium on the charts show between xxx-xxx. Yep, I knew this already. I guess I never wanted to admit it out loud so I can try to be lower. Funny when I am so far away from that number(s) to think I think it’s too high. My mature way of thinking (laugh if you will) is that is where my weight should be anyways. I can be honest at least and say that I don’t long to be THAT thin anymore. Probably because it’s unachievable. I can achieve it for a pretty hefty price. And I’m not willing to pay that price anymore. Yeah for getting mature in my thinking, huh? Of course I couldn’t JUST do a chart..I also had to do a PowerPoint presentation. Yes, I went through all my photos and lined up what I weighed with my remembrance of my weight. Is it normal to know what you weighed at almost every point in your life? I don’t think so. But I have to ask because really, I don’t know. Boy, am I sick looking in some of those photos. Both my too thin and my too heavy…look sick both ways. I can’t believe I am going to show my therapist the fat pictures. He doesn’t remember me being neither too thin nor too fat. Duh….do you think I ever came into therapy at those times? I don’t know if he doesn’t believe me or if he thinks that I think it’s different in my mind but I’m sure he’ll be shocked. I had the stupid feeling of “wait…maybe I don’t have an eating disorder cuz I wasn’t skinny enough”. Whatever. That’s surely ED talking.
I know I owe you an apology for what I have put you through. I have more to think on it though because I really did put you through a lot. How do you apologize for such extremes? I know actions speak louder than words…..one way I can say I am sorry is to maintain a weight. Any weight. Even if it’s this higher weight. I want to maintain something. Okay, maybe NOT at this weight but at my “medium” weight….that a goal of mine now. Wow…a realistic weight goal. For the first time ever. I should be proud of myself. But there is a lot of guilt related to that. I am going to work on that guilt. I don’t know what the guilt is about. But wow…for the first time ever I really have some numbers to go by. Hell, I am almost excited. Could it be that this is not about losing the weight for the first time ever too but rather maintaining a reasonable goal that allows flexibility? This needs to go down in history. Sounds so simple to the non eating disordered person but so complex to us with eds. I can do this. Wow.
Thank you body for posting your chart and making me think on this. I know I need to give you a formal apology for abusing you the way that I have. Like I said, actions speak louder than words and maintaining a number within a few lbs for a good length of time will probably be the biggest thing I can do. I’m tired of listening to myself make promises too and not sticking with them. Wow, this really isn’t about losing weight right now. It’s about maintaining. Where ever my weight falls (I still hoping between the mediums) I want to maintain.
Do you know it’s been like 2 weeks since I’ve followed my food plan? Perhaps a little under at times, but overall I haven’t overeaten or binged or gone outside my “grey areas”….I should chart out what my grey areas are. Maybe in time. Anyways, I feel like I love you right now. That’s different too because I don’t know if I have felt that way before really. Maybe I thought I have when I’ve been really thin but never at this weight. Good stuff here. Yeah!