Dear Body

3.16.10

Dear Body,

Ironic that you wrote me a letter today. That was right before my husband had his “talk” with me about my eating disorder and my teeth. It seems that I have an $800.00 appointment coming up to fix my cavities and broken teeth. Basically, he has had it with this issue. Basically, I for THE FIRST TIME just linked my teeth problems to my eating disorder. I know “they” always talk about your teeth with your eating disorder but I never put myself into “THAT” category. See, I’m a bulimic, but non-purging type. I thought….no purging, no teeth issues (due to purging). What I have never, EVER (I still can’t believe that I’m linking this after all these years) have put together was that I binge in the middle of the night often and don’t brush. My husband is always saying, I don’t understand your teeth issues and how many cavities you get if you are brushing 1-2 times a day….I just figured I am brushing my teeth daily and flossing too so I’m doing the best I can. But what about all those middle of the night binges and/or eating? I’m not brushing after those and the food sits on my teeth. Once again, hence the cavities! Duh. I know, know, know this sounds just too common-sense to just be understanding this now…at the age of 40… but honest to God, I haven’t thought of it that way. The dentist keeps saying, “what IS it that keeps deteriorating your teeth?” My answer was always, “I don’t know..I brush and floss”. OMG.

Well, I am in just such major shock and feel this is the kick that I may need. I definitely chose which road to turn tonight. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and am just astonished that I have to admit this to him. Hell, do I have to admit this to my dentist too? Probably. I don’t know if I am ready to discuss it with my dentist and explain it.

My husband said to me in our talk that I don’t listen to him. Or to anyone that is trying to help me. That I only will do it my way and that way hasn’t been working for all these years. Wow…my husband actually got through to me. I need my therapist to get together with my whole team and sit me down and basically do an intervention with me. That’s what I need to kick this. My husband was enough and yes, I felt some shame. Not from him…from me. I need to hear the damage I’ve done by everyone else’s eyes who has worked with me. I’m not really sure who my team is since I work with a lot of therapists but they’ve all known me for years now and I’m going to suggest to my therapist tomorrow that they all sit me down in one room and “discuss” with me their thoughts on me with my eating disorder. Damn…this is what I need.

Hang in there body….I think good things are coming our way. Looks like I’m going to be shit-kicked in the ass to shake the rest of ED away from me. I know me…I know myself and I know what’s going to work. Wow…my eyes are wide open from this experience. Unreal.

Love, XXX