4.16.10 Dear Body

4.16.10

Dear Body,

Last night I was putting groceries in the car and it was just getting dark outside. XXX was in her booster seat sitting and I caught her with her eyes tightly shut and whispering something. I let her finish and then she told me that if you say your wish really quiet it would come true. It reminded me of the last time I caught her wishing on a star and I wasted my wish on “being skinny”. I thought about that and felt so much sadness for you. There is just something about a 5 yr old wishing on a star and the belief they have that it will come true makes me tear up. It’s such a innocent time. It made me think about IF my wish were to come true also is that still what I would wish for? It’s not. I learned my lesson on how I felt the last time we encountered this. I hope you can feel some happiness that you didn’t “go” there, this time. It’s a lonely feeling knowing that wish was so selfish the last time. I hated how that felt in me.
I still separate the two of us together. You are you (the body) and I am me (myself). I just realized this and wonder if this is how other people who don’t have eating disorders view themselves. As 2 separate identities. Maybe I am just not ready enough to shove me all into one. I feel like I don’t have room. God, is that a bad thing? I don’t even know what that means. But that’s what it feels like…there is no room for both me and my body. I don’t know if it’s just a foreign concept of putting both you and me in one actual body. I don’t know if this is normal or not. I almost got a laugh out if it because for the life of me, I can’t figure out if that’s how others are with themselves. It’s like 2 total separate identities. That’s kind of scary in a psychological sort of way. Hmmmm, this is something I should talk to my therapist about. Obliviously. It sounds crazy. I am going to ask my husband tonight if he has ever viewed himself as 2 separate identities. Hey, at least I’m viewing you in a good way now. For my whole life I have separated us and now I’m trying to have a relationship with you and love you. That’s progress. Seriously, this never dawned on me that people don’t think this way maybe. Whatever….I’m going to give myself a break and not think of me being crazy. Maybe other’s think this is really weird to write my body. Oh, whatever…it’s working for me.
I just want to say that I’m glad I didn’t wish on XXX’s star about being skinny. I actually didn’t make any wish. Next time we see a star, I’ll make a loving wish to you…I promise.

Love, XXX