Monday, April 12, 2010

4.11.10

Dear Body,

I just came across a great blog/article (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/04/what-makes-you-feel-beautiful/) titled “What makes me feel beautiful?”. What a great blog…came at a good time for me. I’ve been weight obsessed this last week and it’s been especially bad this these last few days. I still do not know what I weigh. I can’t even really guess. I’m trying to pretend that it doesn’t matter. But sadly, it still does. I’ve been going back and forth on if I should weigh myself. I SWEAR, I’ve HAD to of lost weight….I’ve been following my food plan for quite some time now with only the occasional binge (if even that) and quite frankly, there is no way that I couldn’t of NOT lost weight. Except that my pants don’t fit. I had to clean out my closets again and tried on pairs of pants that just don’t fit. I put those away. Damn it. I wanted them to fit. I figured they *should* fit because if I do the math correctly, I should of lost XX lbs by now. Anyways, the pants don’t fit. Damn it. I’ve definitely going through the grievance stages of not being able to lose weight. First the anger, then the sadness, then the bargaining. They say, don’t weigh yourself….let your pants tell you by their tightness or looseness. Or is that a made up rule that I have made up myself. I don’t know anymore.
Well, I haven’t weighed and after reading this article, I don’t know if I am going to now. I can focus on what makes me feel beautiful (other than weight loss). Reading through these writers stories I got quite emotional. The truth is, I know I have felt beautiful before. Actually, many times but just few and far in between. But the thing is I really can’t remember when or how it became that I felt that way. If I can focus in on those times, I can unlock a treasure in my self-worth. I know, know, know that feeling beautiful is not about being skinny. Don’t get me wrong…I still long to be a size X or weigh XXX but I’ve know for a long time that beauty is not a size. They taught me this in therapy and at one time I didn’t believe it. But fast forward this many years and I not only believe it, I am trying to DO it. It, meaning uncovering the lies and getting to the truth. This is one of the truths that I believe in. And I’m excited….I know the feeling of being beautiful is something I’ve felt before. The only time I can think of radiating “my glow” is about 2 months ago when my husband looked at me and said, “when you are truly happy, you are beautiful”. I felt the happiness and it felt good. I also at the time was getting good sleep and eating well and living a honest life. Not to say that I’m not living a honest life right now, I am…but I am not sleeping all that well. I’m not balanced in this area of my life right now. I have to push myself to get there…balance is hard work. Recovery is hard work.
There is a common theme to these stories. Most of the women seem to be past the age of 40. And a few said about turning 40 and everything changing. Maybe that is what is happening to me right now. As one of the women stated…”at 40 the love finally had to go deeper.” No kidding. That’s what I’m searching for and working so hard in recovery for. Going deeper. I just realized one more time when I *can* feel beautiful…that’s when I’m in active recovery. I honestly feel like a whole person while I’m working it. It’s true…it works when you work it, it really does. Recovery makes me beautiful. Wow…sounds like a bumper sticker.
Hmmm, last night I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to weigh to *see* how I measured up. I don’t feel that need right now. I just had to dig a little deeper. Whew.
Love, XXX

1 comment:

  1. LOVE this POST!!!
    I haven't weighed in months and oh so want to some days too...just to have SOMETHING to validate how I feel...but it's not me (Babs) that needs this particular validation, it's my Eating Disorder and I have chosen to disagree with everything my Eating Disorder says.
    I LOVE the quote from your husband and am gonna steal it :)
    xo
    Babs

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