Thursday, April 8, 2010

4.8.10
Dear Body,
I get confused when my realities overlap each other. My own body image and what I “think” I weigh is so distorted on a daily basis. The other day (as well as the prior week) I have felt something that I haven’t felt in a long time…thinness. I actually felt thin. And it felt really good. I’ve been following my tweeked food plan for maybe a few weeks now and I think I have lost some weight. However, since I haven’t weighed myself in close to 2 month, I don’t know exactly what I weigh. I just *feel* like I have lost weight. More than that, I liked how I have woken up each morning not wondering “what did I do last night” just like I did when I drank many years ago. That feeling of just knowing that what I did the previous day feels affirming and concrete. Stable even. That’s saying a lot that I felt stable. But then the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and binged. I don’t remember all that much about it but that uneasy feeling took over my body when my husband stated, “looks like you had a bad night last night”. THEN, I felt fat. I felt like there was at least a XX lb. difference, for real. This was not exaggerating, this felt like the truth. It confused me. How can I believe what I weigh one day in my mind and then believe the next day I can weight something totally different. It feels so real. I told my husband that and he said, “at least you recognize that now”. It is totally confusing to me because it’s so real to me but it makes no sense at all! It’s always been like this. This is no different today than it was XX yrs ago. I can’t trust myself when it comes to my own body image. Who do I trust? My husband who loves my body at any size? That would certainly bring peace to my mind. Peace, which is my goal everyday. Do I believe the people that tell me that I look just fine? I suppose I can try. Hmmmm, that is something to think about. I know it’s not me who I can trust…do I dare trust other people? Actually believe and trust other people? I don’t know. I am open to trying but I don’t know if I can trust that people will tell me the truth. I feel myself feeling like a 12 yr old right now wanting to run and hide. That tells me it’s my eating disorder chiming in. Whenever I act like a 12 yr old, my ED is always running the show. I know, know, know this and trust myself enough to stop thinking about whether or not to trust people. Oh, I still need to listen to others but I need to use that information and take what I can use and leave the rest. Back in the grey area of thinking with balance….See, as long as I stay in the grey area of anything, it’s good. I’m trying to find balance, find the truth to myself without lying or manipulating it. Sorry for the ramble…it’s just been awhile since I’ve written to you.
Love, XXX

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