Dear Body

9.23.10

Dear Body,

Again, it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I don’t even know where I left off. Did I mention that I was drinking and smoking? Not a lot. I don’t feel that I’ve been too excessive over it and have talked it out with many therapists and people about my “using” streak that I am on. I’m really not over concerned about it but I’m also not dumb and know the risks that I am taking. I went almost 9 yrs without drinking and 8 years without smoking. I'm still scratching my head at that. Now, the food part on the other hand is back under control and has been for awhile. BUT how can that be when I went and weighed myself a few weeks back and found out that I’ve gained XX lbs this summer. So, I had to get honest and look at my eating. Now, I’m eating actually pretty well. Very slight restriction and/or slight over eating, no binging but yet I gained so much weight. I made an appointment to see my family physician because I first need to rule out my hypothyroidism. Which I haven’t gotten back the tests yet. However, the fact that I’m on Abilify and have had a steady increase of weight points to that too. Let’s not throw in the eating disorder part. It’s all fucked. But I’m ruling out the thyroid problem and thankfully today I went back to my psychiatrist to let him know the situation. He thinks it’s also the Ablify too and thankfully prescribed me something else that counteracts the weight gain. HELLO…why have I been living with this extra weight on me if there was something they could give me a long time ago. Granted they don’t give out this stuff to eating disordered patients very easily but as my family doctor stated, this is becoming medically necessary because I had high blood pressure and last time I went in I had borderline high cholesterol. Basically I’m a walking time bomb. I’m not bitter about me finally getting on this though because what I’ve endured with my weight these last 3 yrs have been a weird blessing in disguise. I haven’t been able to lose weight and there for quit working on the inner things that mean more to me than what looking on the outside is like. I think if I would of lost the weight I still would be struggling with these inner demons. Regardless, I am happy now that I’m on this new med now and have this fake false hope that all will be fine.
I borrowed a friend’s food plan. I wanted to compare her food plan to my plans that my nutritionist had given me and hers was considerably less. So of course, I am using hers. I tweaked it a bit to fit my foods that I like such as protein in the morning vs. a grain. Even being okay with combining my breakfast and lunch intro brunch. For some reason NOW I feel like I can follow a food plan where the last year I have struggled with the business of doing so. Don’t ask me why…but just like that, this makes sense to me again. I get tired of the past food plans because it’s always too overwhelming because it feels like too much. Let’s just put it this way, her plan was better than mine and seems doable, so that’s what I’m trying to do. Yesterday was a success at following it but I still woke up in the middle of the night a few times and ate (but counted the exchanges because I was short during the day). I have to work at getting my plan right and eating everything on it and trusting that I can lose weight on this. It worked for my friend…so of course, it’s gotta work for me, right;) ? Anyways, I have to follow this to rule out the part of me doing what I can here. If it’s the thyroid then the doctors will have to adjust the meds and my psychiatrist already adjusted my new med and then my part is to follow my food plan.
Sorry for babbling on…I’m trying to figure this all out as I go along and right now this seems doable and hopeful and although I’ve been avoiding you body because I’m disgusted at my weight, therefore I am disgusted at you and it makes me sad. It’s like I haven’t visited my new friend in a long time. I’m waiting for you to respond to me because you haven’t wanted to for many months now. I haven’t treated you very well again and I am sorry. Mentally, I’ve been a lot nicer to you than I have in the past and I hope you can recognize that. I haven’t beaten myself up over you too much and still working on trying to accept you. Maybe you can write me a letter once the doctor gets back to me about my thyroid, blood pressure, cholesterol and overall blood work. You know more than I do at this point….maybe that’s why you aren’t talking to me. Sorry for ignoring you again and not physically treating you the way I should. I’m trying though. I’m really trying. We’ll get this figured out. I’m hopeful for once.
Love, XXX