Saturday, September 11, 2010

Dear Body,
I feel like this is a very important letter to you. Okay….first of all, I have gained XX of lbs this summer. I’m pissed. I don’t know if this is YOU or me. I see I’m still separating us. Which for now is fine again. I’m a little scared because is it diabetes? Is my thyroid all gone (I have hypothyroidism)? Is the metabolism even worse than when I got tested (was poor). What the fuck? I’m actually more scared of my health than my weight now because this weight gain is a lot….in a little bit. We aren’t talking “normal” weight gain either. I know when you are sick you lose a lot of weight really quick but what about gaining a lot of weight really quick? Something is wrong. There is NO way that I eat that much. I’m really freaked that it’s not going to quit. Quit gaining that is. Too much anxiety that goes with that thought. If it’s me who’s eating too much (this is impossible to gain this much weight in this short period of time) then let me know that. If it’s YOU, let me know that. I overeat now and then, but this is ridiculous. I guess you know by now that I weighed myself. I haven’t seen these numbers since I was pregnant. Yes, that crossed my mind too. Unless I’m one of those people that have been getting their period, yet preggers, then something is medically wrong.
I went to go visit an old house mate from my inpatient treatment tonight. She’s back in. This time in a more hospital setting. It wasn’t really eye opening for me, except for her talk about the 9 yr old in there having treatment and which hit me. Sad. Anyways, the talk that I had with her WAS eye opening for me, probably to myself more than her. I told her that I told my therapist that I’m so afraid of gaining weight that I’d rather stay where I am now than be low and regain some weight. That terrifies me so much. That I really want to lose weight but I am not willing to do it in the manner that I have in the past. That I reminisce about the good ole’ days but they really weren’t that good. That I don’t want to go down that road for the 100th time. That I don’t want to land back in inpatient because I’m not willing to put my daughter nor husband through the trauma of it. That I am tired of the game of it all. I think I’m done. Really. I toy with the idea of using symptoms and being very thin and using symptoms and having to gain the weight and using symptoms and crashing and burning and going into treatment every 1 ½ yrs and having a “episode” of my borderline personality disorder crap which gets triggered by the weight. I’m so done. This time it is much deeper than previous. Even though I am soooo miserable by my weight, I don’t want to take the short cut and end up in the same place I’ve been. This is a hard lesson that I’m learning and I guess I gotta go through it no matter how hard of a deal it is. Damn. I’ll get my weight down again to a NORMAL weight for my height again. It’s me not giving up. Oh yes, I told my friend tonight which was very eye opening that when I’ve been at my thinnest, I was more embarssed than I am now (at my heaviest). I have to ponder that thought and sit on it for awhile and let it soak in because there’s some healing in those words/thoughts. I’m trying to be truthful and I was while talking to my friend tonight. But I think I have a little further to go with truthfulness. I just feel like I’m numbing some stuff out. Man, I need to do a 4th step. I’m helping with a step study in October and feel like it will give me some help in my being honest and cleaning up abit.
You know….I was talking to my twin sister about stuff (recovery without actually talking about recovery) and she said, “maybe you need to get away from ED people” because it’s my life. I need to tell her that maybe she needs to get away from her tri(athalon) people because it’s HER life. I haven’t said it but that’s my response. I could go on about that but it’s too much energy for me. She doesn’t understand but if I put it in her words, she would. I just haven’t gotten there with saying it. In time it’ll happen. I just don’t have the energy to put it out there. That’s okay…it’ll happen as it happens.
Anyways BODY, please don’t betray me and have me go through something healthwise that I don’t need to go through. If it’s me…let it be known. I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday and I’m sure I’ll be writing about it. I’m not ready to get weighed in front of others (nurse) or for my doctor to say to me again “have you ever tried to lose weight” OR “YOU have an eating disorder?”. It makes me want to cry with what they are going to say. I fear that MORE than I fear the result of my tests. At least they’ll test for everything because I’ll tell them I’ve gained XX pounds during this summer. Fucking weight. I don’t feel like getting mad at you even if you’re putting me through some health scare. It’s probably not your fault. It’s probably me. I feel like it’s me but I can’t tell what I really feel or what it really is because I feel innocent in the situation to a point. Maybe some of it’s me, but not THIS much. Okay. I’ll quit worrying about Tuesday and the doc. Appointment. For tonight anyways.
Love, XXX

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