Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Dear Body

9.6.10

Dear Body,
I came to a realization tonight. I am not angry. That’s how I use to lose weight…by getting angry. I don’t know how to lose weight without being pissed off. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been these last 3 yrs and ironically I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve been in the last 3 years. I just finally put 2 and 2 together. When I’m angry, I can lose because I restrict. I’m too mad to eat. I’ve always been like that. That part I know. But tonight I just thought “how can I get this weight off of me” and I thought, “get mad”. But the thing is, I don’t have the energy in me anymore to get that mad. Maybe because I’m not that mad. I am not angry anymore. I am actually happy. Well, except for my weight.
I’ve been back in the ignoring stage with you. Sorry. I can’t get myself to face you because I don’t like how you look. God, isn’t that the meanest thing I have ever said? That is exactly how I don’t want to be. I don’t like that within me. I’m not someone who does that to other people, so why do I do it to myself? I’m sorry that I’ve been mean to you in that way.
I kind of knew this, but for some reason it’s really clear to me. I am totally separated from you. You are your own identity. I talked to this with my therapist. I told him that my “body” has a identity. Actually, just like ED, you are a male. Don’t ask me why. But when I think of you, my body, I give you the male persona. Don’t mistake that that I think I’m male in anyway. I’m all girl….but my persona for you is male. Maybe I need to change perspective and look at you female. I realize this all sounds wacky, but it’s true. I don’t think I can even say this to my husband. He’d think I was nuts (probably more than he does anyway). This morning I did ask him if he ever has separated his body from himself. He looked at me like I was crazy and then said, “no, not once.”
Perhaps if I looked at you as female, I would think of you in a softer, genteler way. Maybe I can start making us one if you were female. Ha, considering I AM female, I should look at you in a female way. Then we can maybe become friends, which is what I want. Shall I give you a name? Does that sound too crazy? I don’t know..but I do know that this has something to do with keeping separated from you and I don’t want to be separate any longer. I want us to be one. How it should be. I guess that’s how it should be, I am guessing because we’ve never been one in the past nor in my entire life.
All these months from not writing to you I have only periodically thought of you. It’s just too hard to think of you and look at you because you are too heavy. It doesn’t mean I hate you though. I’m over the hating you part since last year or so. Again, ironically because I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I just need to do more work with you and get us on the same page. We did well for awhile and then I don’t know what happened. I’m ready to start working with you again though. I kind of miss you. It was really starting to work for me when I was regularly talking to you. I just have to keep my relationship up with you and keep trying to mend it and repair what I can.
My daughter starts school on Wed. I’m excited for her. I decided that when she goes off to kindergarten each day that I will go to the gym. I have always felt much better physically as well as mentally when I am regularly exercising and am excited to start on my new workout plan. This is also the longest I have ever gone without working out in my lifetime. Barely this summer have I done my regular walking/gym work that I have always done in the past. I want to take care of you physically and keep you in good health. I’m done some stupid things to you in the past few months and it’s just not right to treat you that way. I need to get you to start moving again and start feeling strong. I miss feeling strong. It’s been a few years since I’ve felt strong. I’ve felt thin many times but it’s been many years since I’ve felt strong. I’m going to start lifting weights a bit too to keep up my muscles. The last time my weight was low I am sure most of my muscles deteriorated along with my weight. I have so far to go to get my muscles back in shape. But what the heck…I’m ready for this change. It’s not about the weight loss (okay, of course my hope is the extra weight will come off) but it’s about getting strong and getting healthy. Things are going to work out…it’ll be okay. I think things are going to be okay if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It’s time for me to reconnect with you. The girl “you”. I’m tempted to give you a name but I feel too silly doing that. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll end up doing it. I guess when I’m thinking of you as a male I think of my past and the males I know/knew and how I got treated. Currently my husband is the only person in my life that has been kind to me regardless of the weight and loves me for who I am despite all my flaws. He’s committed to me for life and he just sees me differently than any other guy has seen me. Maybe he sees the real me and not me plus my body. Maybe that’s how I got to separate myself from you in the first place. Not totally true because I remember being separated from you since I was a little girl, but it defiantly shaped my last 20 years with you. Sorry for that. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t have the empowerment within to tell these male influences in my life to FUCK off and that I was fine the way I was. Things were different back then and I just didn’t have the power inside of me to think that maybe I was more than just how my body was. Which by the way, back then just perfectly fine.
Well, I could go on and on about how it WAS but I’m more interested in what I’m going to do now to change this. I believe it’s empowering that I want to change and that feels good. I think I have it in me to start believing new thoughts about you, my body. I am just so bombarded by the past and how it’s been between you and I from my perspective. You know…I NEED to think of you as a woman because it’s the only way I can for sure get rid of past messages from guys. If you are me, then you are a woman. And you look at me through a woman’s eyes, not a males eyes. Oh…I’m not male bashing by the way but most of the men I knew placed appearance before everything. In fact even my own mother seemed to. I really learned that I had to look a certain way to be loved. From my mother to an x husband, I was only worthy of their love when I looked how they wanted me to. How could I of won? I couldn’t…You as my body became my worst enemy. I learned to hate you because it was you who made those I loved not like me. This is just the tip of the iceberg….what’s underneath this all? This is one of those A-ha moments in therapy.
Time to go,
Love, XXX


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