Thursday, December 30, 2010

I have a lot to babble about right now!

Dear Body,
So…I didn’t have much to eat today at all. Maybe a ½ a sandwich. I kind of did the “bypassing hunger” which I rarely do anymore from my “old days” of the old days of ED. Then I compulsively decided to have 2 drinks. For no real reason. I got excited for a creative reason of all things. I can’t even explain it because I don’t think others will understand it. I’m sure if you’re creative and you’re about to start a project you know what I’m saying but for the most part I don’t think will understand. Regardless, there wasn’t a reason but I just now realized that I had a lot of anxiety that I didn’t know what to do with. It was uncontainable. I had to contain it and I knew alcohol would do the trick. The 2 drinks did it. Right or wrong…it did the trick. I don’t want anymore. I am done drinking. Don’t feel like getting drunk or anything. Just needed to take off the anxiety edge. What can I do to take that off without the drinking? Shit, what have I done for the last 8 years when I didn’t drink? I guess I didn’t sleep and I freaked out. Hmmm.

A bit a go, I noticed my husband walking in and out of the kitchen eating. I am sure I’m hungry but since I’ve fucked up my eating today I can’t tell if I am hungry or not and am just numb with my hunger. I watched him awhile go in and out of the kitchen, getting this and that to eat, and just watched and noticed that he was eating. And that I was not. I’m sure I was hungry but I was not feeling it. I should of ate at this point, but I just didn’t want to and welcomed the empty feeling. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this and I miss it. It’s like coming home. I wish it could be like this forever. It’s like taking cocaine. Something that doesn’t seem dangerous when you are doing it but it’s so inviting and enticing to the taste. I should say to my taste because I know some won’t understand just how mouth watering that feeling is. Nothing beats it.

I did have something that was going to replace it though…not really replace it but give me something to do. I wanted to have sex. Granted we had sex this morning but for me, that’s just fine. I have no problem in this department with keeping up. Sorry if that’s too much TMI. I was thinking about saying something about it and then the husband got up off the couch, went back into the kitchen and made yet another thing to eat. I watched him as he walked out and kind of laughed. He caught me looking at him, with a smirk on my face and asked what? I said, it’s funny because you wanted something and got food and wasn’t thinking about sex. I also wanted something, probably wanted food but instead said I wanted sex. Hell, I don’t know what I’m trying to say here and I may of gotten it wrong…but there is something here in this statement and I’m not sure what it is.

I have so much to write and don’t know if I’ll get to it all. I don’t even know who I’m writing this to. It’s not really to any of you. Not you body, or Ed, or myself. It’s not my husband for sure because I read this the first paragraph and I KNOW he only listens so he doesn’t hurt my feelings and really thinks I’m too much…and not too interested. Maybe it’s to my therapist. because there isn’t anyone else “in” me. High five to me for realizing that I don’t have multiple personalities. God, seriously…it’s a diagnosis that I DON’T have. This reminds me that now have in the medical records of having seasonal disfefective disorder. No biggie to me. That’s the least of my problems. I’m only mentioning it because I got one of those “lights” to help me deal with my depression. Wow, what a difference this has made in a few short days. Seriously. Totally got to recommend it to anyone with depression or SAD. Regardless, I don’t know who I’m writing this to, but perhaps DearBody. YOU could use it for the good and find something good out of it.

I went to an EDA meeting tonight. When it was xxx’s turn to talk she was so motivating. She threw away all her clothes that didn’t fit and totally bought a whole new wardrobe with clothes that fit because she deserves it! What an inspiration. I needed to see that recharging with someone to get me recharged with my own recovery. It was enlightening and inspiring and refreshing to hear someone say that they deserve to dress nice and look good. I think it’s great. Now, I’m not there yet. Sorry body… .I’m not BUT I like that attitude and can appreciate it. It feels great to hear it. I feel like I can get there IF I lose weight. Man…I’m going BACKWARD with my eating disorder recovery. I took one ass gigantic step backwards that size of the United States. Damn. But at least I am positive with recovery and believe that I CAN get there. I believe WE can get there and I. Together. It’ll take the two of us together to do this. To move ED out and shut him up for good. Geez, that sounds good, doesn’t it?

In group yesterday I talked about how I have quit living life because of my weight. I’ve quite going places and quite seeing people and quite doing things all because of my weight. I know I’ve done this for the last 2 years but really the last 6 months have been really bad and especially the last month it’s been very bad. It’s not me. It’s not who I am. I am not someone to quit living life. Really, I don’t know who I am anymore. Or I’ve gotten that far enough away from me that I don’t recognize myself anymore. On many levels. Body…I’ve never recognized you because I’ve never lived with a body like you before. I’m XX lbs heavier than I’ve ever been and I don’t even know what to do with you. Sorry. I’m more just being honest with you than accepting you. I’m not rejecting you but I’m not accepting you. I guess I’ve been keeping numb. No shit.

I’m tired of talking now. We’ve upped my meds that counteract my Abilify because it’s not causing me to lose weight *(yet). I still have hopes. High hopes. Oh, Dear Body of mine… please help me out and do what you can do and I will keep on “keeping on” even though I’m really tired.

Love, XXX

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