Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Body,
Bummer, I was trying to copy and paste a conversation a friend and I were having on facebook and I can't copy it. We were talking about how Ed is ALWAYS there in our heads. Hers is really loud and she screams back at it and I told her to try to change her relationship with ED. Looking back years ago that is how I started my journey with recovery. God, it was sooo long ago. I barely remember the first stages but it was doing what I am trying to do with you now body. Trying to have a conversation and building up the tools to communicate with you and figure US out. This mornings conversation was what I needed to know that I'm on the right track here by writting YOU. This IS what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm on my way out of hell I think. I believe I'm being led (blindly let me tell you!) by my HP here. I don't know how much of that I'll get into right now but God does have a part here. HE's put the people in my life, the programs in my life, the situations in my life for me and I'm trying to take those opportunities and take the good out of them and use the good for what it's intended for. I feel blessed in a way. Who would of thought that I'd feel blessed from my eating disorder? Hmmmm, never thought of that before until now. Anyways, here's the ending what I wrote about the conversation I had with my friend.

It just kind of ends (the conversation) but I got out of it what I needed. I remember those early days of recovery and Ed constantly yelling in my head at me. That sucked. I mean, don't get me wrong..this sucks now, but now at least I know how how control parts of this fucked up disease. What a mental mind fuck it is. Unless you have it, you can't understand it. I don't hear much about this part of an eating disorder. No one seems to talk about the constant chatter that is going on inside our heads and how chatotic it really is and what we do to shut it off. No wonder why we listen to it because it's always there! Even in the midst of years of recovery, it's still THERE. Just thankfully quieter. Maybe that is why I am so noise sensitive. I hate noises. It's too much for me. I get very agitated and irritated with the child and husband who are playing too loud or making certain noises, etc. I just can't handle another noise going on. I need quiet. Even my quiet isn't quiet. Ed is there, keeping me company. Good ole' Ed. Quite the loyal "friend" ain't he? NOT.
Love, XXX

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