Thursday, February 11, 2010

Dear Body,
I’m just disgusted at myself. I think I am the highest weight I have ever been. I had a bad, bad week of eating a lot of food and not working out and not being nice to you in thoughts or actions. My first response was anger towards you. I think I want to take it out on someone and who better to take it out than to take it out on you? I know that is not what I am suppose to do, but I am mad, damn it. I did it all myself. Alright….okay, it’s me..not you. I really shouldn’t be getting mad at you. I’m not sure what my response should be….should I be mad at myself instead? Okay…try compassion. I just don’t feel any compassion for myself. I’m tired of doing the same thing over and over again. I’m panicky. I’m confuse and overwhelmed. I just want to be skinny again. I shouldn’t say skinny, I should say healthy. I really want to be the best me I can be. That includes my weight. And I’m soooo not there. I’m in fact far away from there and actually frightened about it. I’m slightly scared of my health being at this weight. I know my cholesterol has been up. My weight is up. The doctor told me to lose weight. AND I am NOT going to have a discussion with a health professional that doesn’t know about ED’s. Yes, he told me “I don’t look like I have an ED”. Regardless, he also told me to lose weight so obviously he knows nothing about people with eating disorders. Anyways….I’m maybe not disgusted at myself rather, I’m scared. I may not have the compassion for me but at least I just untwisted my thoughts into what is real. And what is real is that I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not going to lose weight. I am scared that my shin splints won’t ever heal and prevent me from doing my 5k and I’ll fail on that goal. I’m scared of my health. I’m scared to talk to my doctor about my health because I don’t want him to conflict me with talking about losing weight…..even though that’s what I really want to do. Damn it. I’m confused and scared….at least I’m not disgusted at myself anymore. That feels better. But what does that accomplish? Does it really accomplish anything that I’m a tad more gentle on myself? I don’t know. Maybe it accomplishes something and I just can’t see it. It did shift my attitude. A little. Damn, I have a headache.
Love, XXX

1 comment:

  1. Hey there... this sounded more like a letter to ED, maybe you and BODY need to team up and let ED have it for a while...seems as though he's trying to pit you against one another and may have succeeded this time. But remember...YOU are stronger than ED, he won't tell you that but I will. You have made a commitment BODY wants to help you!

    I know how you feel about your 5k
    I've been suffering some ITB issues that make it hurt like hell to i'm just finishing the dang one said I had to run...actually JOAN said I had to run or it wouldn't be worth it but you see, whatever JOAN says, I disagree with...WHATEVER she says, even if I fear there is a little bit of truth to it...because JOAN is not me and I am not JOAN, I am my body...taking it back over...
    and I learned that from you :)