2.2.10 Dear Body

Dear Body,
I want to complain and bitch about the fricken 2 lbs I gained. But I am CHOOSING not to put my energy there. That’s where my mind wants to go, but I am going to redirect it. ED is screaming at me to listen but I’m choosing to ignore him.
I have been looking on the internet for “questions to ask your self about (self esteem, self acceptance, etc.)…” Just trying to find something positive to focus on instead of going to the weight/food/numbers/body, etc. I found 15 things to think about every day…I’m going to go over them one by one (taken from: http://www.lyved.com/life/15-things-to-think-about-everyday/) and see if I can find some insight or at least change my direction of thinking…I know this is suppose to be something I think about everyday but let me see if I can even answer everything even right now, let alone every day…The challenge is to try to not include weight as part of this.

1. The things you’re grateful to have
Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.
I am so grateful for my family. I have always wanted my own family and I genuinely am thankful for my husband, daughter and stepson. I feel lucky.

2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have
Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.
I am greatful that I don’t have cancer. That disease scares me and I am just grateful that I don’t have it.

3. What you want to do today
Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.
I want to get my run in and follow my 5k training plan. I will get up, go to my therapy appointment and then hit the gym on my way back. I also want to start lifting (did today!) so I can feel strong. I will need to pull out my lifting schedule from previous years.

4. What the future holds
Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.
Tomorrow holds for me a day of inner peace. Next month holds for me, a stronger body due to my training. The next five years will hold being a active mom in my child’s schooling.

5. Think about one of your fears
We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.
That I will not lose my extra weight. (okay, had to go there!)

6. Think of a way to face that fear
Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.
Realize that even if I don’t lose my extra weight I am loveable and acceptable just the way I am right now without changing anything about me.

7. One new thing you’d like to do
Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.
Hmmm, good question. I’d like to run my first 5k ever. I’d like to write a book. I’d like to get involved with XXX kindergarten class next year. Something new I’d like to try is to meditate every night for 30 days. I’d like to read my crave book.

8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday
Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.
Putting some dates into my planner. Putting my clothes away. Cleaning the office. Start getting XXX’s room ready for painting. I will look at this list tomorrow and do them.

9. Your greatest qualities
Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.
I have a great ambition to change lives, I have an outgoing personality and get along great with most people, I am loyal, I really do care a lot about others. I love to be silly. I’m deep down a positive person (with negative output, lol). I’m always willing to try. I don’t give up (both greatest and worst quality, lol).

10. What you don’t like about yourself
We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.
I have a low self esteem and low self worth. Also I procrastinate.

11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself
Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.
I can say positive affirmations daily and BELIEVE them. (I’ll make a list for myself) I can go to the extreme and tell myself that I am hot!( lol *a previous inpatient experiment that I’ll blog about one day.)
I need to just “do it” without thinking so I don’t procrastinate.

12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter
Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them. Maybe buy a coworker just because. Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.
Ask myself on how can I make Steve’s day happier. Ask myself how I can make Madison’s day happier. Ask myself how I can make at least one member of my family’s day happier. THEN DO IT.

13. Your life goals
You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.
To run my first 5k race.

14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation
Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.
I really want to go to the weight stuff right now but I’ll try to think of something else…hmmm, I made a bad decision but tonight I tried to correct it. I can get motivated by “doing the next right thing”.

15. You only have one life
Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.
If I only have one shot at life, then I want to be happy and find inner peace. I want to do what ever it takes to find peace on the inside…..that means accepting my body where I am. Okay, I know I wasn’t going to go there but the inner turmoil is so bad when it comes to my body image that I need to focus on accepting my body where it is, how it is, right now!

Okay, so I failed on the not talking about weight/body/numbers, etc but it’s relevant I think. Like I’ve said, my exercise is fine (with the occasional not doing it long enough or letting too many days go in between) and I’m fine that I’m training for my first ever 5k because it’s a small accomplishable and attainable goal for me (but having to push myself). I really need to focus on thinking that I’m enough just the way I am right now without changing anything. This is so hard to believe! At the same time I need to focus on that I’m not too much and won’t push people away by just being me. Such extremes. I need to focus that I’m lovable, likeable, worthy of good things. I really am letting go of this eating disorder. It’s quite amazing. The more I talk about this all, the better it is for me. The more I’m letting go of my ED. I can see ED on the sidelines screaming at me but I’m just going to ignore him. He’ll quiet down after awhile. He doesn’t need to be a distraction to me any longer. I think I’ve finally put a final piece of recovery together for myself. I realize that in MY recovery, ED may never leave and may always be present but I can fully recover with him still there in the corner of my mind. My therapist and I were talking about how it’s like the movie “A beautiful mind” and the guy still saw “the people or the voices” in the corner of his mind but he learned how to ignore them and carry on with life without paying them attention. That’s SO it for me with my eating disorder. I think I was just waiting for the ED to totally leave me and my mind and I couldn’t understand why he was not leaving. I haven’t paid him much attention for quite awhile and can literally see him screaming, trying to get my attention but I am learning how to ignore him when he’s flailing his arms ranting and raving. I see him out of the corner of my eye but I can’t really hear him much anymore. He’s managed to come back into tune in unexpected moments. I’m still learning on those types of moments. Like over the weekend when we were out of town at a friend’s house. Those moments throw me off but if I planned out my meals and vision what my day will look like, I should be able to maneuver my way around so I can still ignore ED. It’s still a learning practice but I’m getting better at it.
Boy…this helped me tremendously. Yea!