Sunday, January 9, 2011

I passed the Test of Faith

Dear Body,
I have written to you in a few days now because the last time I did, it was posted all over my facebook page for the whole world to read. It was up on facebook for most of the morning and God know who of my 130 "friends" read it. You'd think I freak out, right? Well, I didn't. It has to do with the last few letters I've been writting. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am. Tired of feeling shame over my eating disorders and my million of other disorders and labels and issues and problems. If people can't handle that, then, "oh well"...not my problem. I can't help what people can't deal with. My last few letters were put to the test and wether or not I really meant what I said. I guess I meant it because not only did I not freak out, I haven't let it bother me at all. Something in me has really changed. Now, I know this is the same type of change it takes for me to accept my body. Am I there? No. Not yet...but I just took one huge leap of "something" that got me through what could of been a devestaviting time and choose to turn it around by my deep belief in myself. I don't think I could of done that unless I had started a relationship with you. I needed to have YOU on my side in order to make that big of a statement and really mean it and then DO it. It was almost like a test of my faith. And I passed! I guess a test I could of gone without, but timing was perfect I have to say. Things happen the way they happen for a reason, I believe that. My lesson was well timed. I'll think more on accepting myself as is tomorrow...tonight I'm going to not think about losing weight. I'll just try to maintain where I am and accept that I'm not trying to lose weight. Goddd, that's hard to do, even for one night. I can do this for one night. I went to an EDA meeting tonight and one of the girls there stated she was going to try to focus this week on maintaining and not losing weight...I can do that for a night. Considering it's 1:20 in the morning already and I have to get up in a few hours, I think I can do this...Good night.

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