Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Not sure what I am right now...


1-4-11


Dear Body,


I need someone to talk to…I was having a talk with my friend on facebook and we were talking about deleting posts when it reveled something about our eating disorders…and this is what I wrote (the beginning part):


I hear ya with the deleting the posts sometimes...then again sometimes, I'm like fuck it. That's who I am. I mean really, sometimes it more than I can stand to think that I have to hide me and who I am. I am just fine and am tired of being ashamed for being me. Like XXX went to our marriage counselor for the first time alone today and he kind of told me how it went but all of a sudden I feel shamed for me being me cuz XXX said that Yes, sometimes it’s hard and it's frustrating etc.....so I felt ashamed. Not so much in front of XXX but in front of this lady who doesn’t really know me. Then it makes me feel insecure with my husband afterwards. It's twisted. But fuck that...I'm who I am, frustrating or not to be around. If XXX thinks I'm too hard to be with then he doesn't have to be with me. Shit, where did that come out of?


I’ve spent many years feeling like shit because of the issues I have had, the problems I’ve encountered, the poor choices I’ve made and the genuine bad things that shouldn’t have happened to me. Most of it my fault, some of it not, especially the bad stuff. Others have treated me abusively and wronged me and that’s done nothing but add to how I felt bad about myself. But in reality, me as a person am not bad. My core existence is of good value and I can hold my head up high. I do not need anyone to tell me that it’s frustrating to be with me. That I’m hard work to be around. If I am, then don’t be around me. I’ve been told too many times that I’m defective but more than one person. I don’t need it put to me in a more gentler way with the same meaning.


I’m not hurt or mad or sad but I’m crying slow, hard, deep tears coming from my soul and I don’t know what they are about.


More later on,


XXX

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