Monday, January 31, 2011

Dear Body, I'm sane today.


Dear Body,

I was talking with a friend today who was questioning on how much weight she would need to gain to gain being sane again. Her question brought me to think how I was just grateful for this exact thought over the weekend. With, of course, a bit of a twist. An eating disorder twist, that is. I was out with my husband for a night on the town for his birthday and we were surrounded by beautiful women. I felt good in all the ways except one. My weight. But I felt good in every other way possible. My mind was sane, my thoughts were sane, and my reactions were level and even as were my moods. I wasn’t thinking, acting, or behaving irrational. We went out to dinner. I ordered food without all the various counting in my head and going back and forth on what I was going to get (well, a little but on the normal side) and how I was going to burn it off or get rid of it somehow today or not eat tomorrow. I simply ate my dinner with a quiet mind with food that tasted great and company of my husband and friends that I enjoyed. I felt great with my sane mind. A few years ago with my weight being much less and me wondering how the hell I could keep the weight as far down as possible would keep my insane thinking going. It was a vicious cycle. Now, I am thankful for my sane thinking and feeling on most days. However I wish my weight was different. But is one better than the other? I have to say yes. Been there, done that on both side many of times and I’d like to say that there is more of an middle than where I’m at now and I will experience it as I get healthier and as I keep working my recovery. Yes, the sane side is better. It is much better than the not-so-sane-side. In my opinion anyways.

My dear body that I can be so cruel to…I’m finally starting to see you in a true new light. Yea:) Something big is changing from the inside out. This part isn’t about the weight. This is bigger than the weight and much more than what the weight is about. I’m starting to somehow appreciate you in a different light and not quite sure how this is happening, but over time, this IS happening. I hope you can see the difference and feel the difference from me. This is real. I’m a little bit more in synch with you and not so distant. I am glad that we are starting to get on the same side and starting to form some type of a relationship. I didn’t realize that it’s a little less lonely having you a part of me. There’s still more to come and more to go with where we need to go but I can see this is all good. You’ve sure been patient with me.

Love, XXX

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