2.13.11
Dear Body,
My husband and almost 6 yr old daughter are drawing pictures of each other and I’m want to ask my daughter to draw a picture of her mommy but I’m too afraid of what she’ll draw. That makes me cry.
XXX
February 13, 2011
February 7, 2011
My anorexia died last night.
2.5.11
Dear Body,
Last night I started writing a list of subjects that I need to discuss with my therapist. Usually, I just go in and wing it, however, I’m feeling the need to focus and concentrate on getting some of these issues out because they are body image issues and quite honestly, I’m over this eating disorder crap. I know they say the body image issues are the last to go, but come on…this is lingering way past it’s welcome. ED is throwing out everything he’s got right now, and I’m just using it to throw back on the fire and get rid of it. Rah Rah, ME.
I miss the space about feeling special about feeling special about being really thin and bones and oh god, I’m almost forgetting what it’s feeling like. I’m almost forgetting. This is a loss. I’m dying but not dying…the anorexia is dying. And it hurts. Really bad. I’m feeling the physical aspect of the disease in me. It’s dying right now. It hurts. It’s going away though.. But that doesn’t make it feel better. I miss it. I don’t really want to see it go. I don’t see good things for it to go. I don’t see really why it has to go but I understand why it has to go. I am not into this fantasizing about being thin. I could live it forever if my body was meant to be it. But my recovered body is not. Oh…it’s not meant to be where it is now. But it’s not meant to be where it was. But I still miss it. And that’s my right. I get to miss it because it was mine. No one else’s. I had it and I experienced it and to me it felt really good in a really sick sense. There are many things to be said about what is wrong about it…but I’m focusing on what is good about it. And I am reading what I’m writing and I see shame written all over it. Jesus. I even have to make up excuses to myself for why it’s okay to like being thin. I miss feeling special the way feeling thin made me feel. Why can’t I capture that in my body now? I can’t get to that “special” feeling. I know the majority of my depression stems from this feeling of me feeling “nothing” about myself. Is that self esteem? No..I don’t think so. I know others with eating disorders can relate. I was talking to XXX about this exact thing and it’s the first time I have opened up to another person about this. Up until now I’ve been ashamed to talk about it. Ashamed about that “special” feeling that I felt when I was thin. Maybe it felt like I’d be boasting about myself and too proud about myself in a fake materialistic way because I knew/know that the outside looks really don’t matter. But it sure in hell felt good. Sorry, I’m kind of all over the place in my writing right now…just lots of things coming to mind as I write.
Okay…this I’m sure of. Last night my anorexia died in me. I wrote some of the above last night and then cried my eyes out. Cried like my best friend died. It hurt as it was leaving. It was physical. This morning, it’s not there. I think I’ve heard about others having their anorexia die in them and I understood but didn’t understand. Until now. I’m actually felt it die. Hmmm. I think it’s been a long, slow, painful death for it and it took a long time. I’ve been letting go of it for a long now time and think I let it go last night. Something happened last night. I think the anorexia died.
Too bad I couldn’t have been skinny for it. Hahahaha, okay, you HAVE to have an eating disorder to think that was funny. Come on’, that was super funny. I said the anorexia died, not my sense of humor.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
Last night I started writing a list of subjects that I need to discuss with my therapist. Usually, I just go in and wing it, however, I’m feeling the need to focus and concentrate on getting some of these issues out because they are body image issues and quite honestly, I’m over this eating disorder crap. I know they say the body image issues are the last to go, but come on…this is lingering way past it’s welcome. ED is throwing out everything he’s got right now, and I’m just using it to throw back on the fire and get rid of it. Rah Rah, ME.
I miss the space about feeling special about feeling special about being really thin and bones and oh god, I’m almost forgetting what it’s feeling like. I’m almost forgetting. This is a loss. I’m dying but not dying…the anorexia is dying. And it hurts. Really bad. I’m feeling the physical aspect of the disease in me. It’s dying right now. It hurts. It’s going away though.. But that doesn’t make it feel better. I miss it. I don’t really want to see it go. I don’t see good things for it to go. I don’t see really why it has to go but I understand why it has to go. I am not into this fantasizing about being thin. I could live it forever if my body was meant to be it. But my recovered body is not. Oh…it’s not meant to be where it is now. But it’s not meant to be where it was. But I still miss it. And that’s my right. I get to miss it because it was mine. No one else’s. I had it and I experienced it and to me it felt really good in a really sick sense. There are many things to be said about what is wrong about it…but I’m focusing on what is good about it. And I am reading what I’m writing and I see shame written all over it. Jesus. I even have to make up excuses to myself for why it’s okay to like being thin. I miss feeling special the way feeling thin made me feel. Why can’t I capture that in my body now? I can’t get to that “special” feeling. I know the majority of my depression stems from this feeling of me feeling “nothing” about myself. Is that self esteem? No..I don’t think so. I know others with eating disorders can relate. I was talking to XXX about this exact thing and it’s the first time I have opened up to another person about this. Up until now I’ve been ashamed to talk about it. Ashamed about that “special” feeling that I felt when I was thin. Maybe it felt like I’d be boasting about myself and too proud about myself in a fake materialistic way because I knew/know that the outside looks really don’t matter. But it sure in hell felt good. Sorry, I’m kind of all over the place in my writing right now…just lots of things coming to mind as I write.
Okay…this I’m sure of. Last night my anorexia died in me. I wrote some of the above last night and then cried my eyes out. Cried like my best friend died. It hurt as it was leaving. It was physical. This morning, it’s not there. I think I’ve heard about others having their anorexia die in them and I understood but didn’t understand. Until now. I’m actually felt it die. Hmmm. I think it’s been a long, slow, painful death for it and it took a long time. I’ve been letting go of it for a long now time and think I let it go last night. Something happened last night. I think the anorexia died.
Too bad I couldn’t have been skinny for it. Hahahaha, okay, you HAVE to have an eating disorder to think that was funny. Come on’, that was super funny. I said the anorexia died, not my sense of humor.
Love, XXX
February 3, 2011
Awesome spot to be in!
February 3, 2011
Dear Body,
Things are good right now. I’ve been playing catch up with some ED friends on where I am in my own recovery. By doing so, I found that I’m surprisingly in a better spot than I thought I was. I stated that “I now have more in front of me to work on, than behind me to work on and that feels awesome”. I LOVE that statement. I even used it on my facebook status! I’ve finally reached the tipping point on the scales in recovery with after all these years and after all this hard work where I’m not working on my past any longer but working on the present things like my family and bettering my relationship with them and raising my daughter the best I know how and things such as self care and self love. Things from my past have been discovered, talked about, cried over, tossed around, argued with, healed from and moved on from. It is an amazing spot to be in. Ironically, as I’ve said many times previously, I’m the happiest I’ve been, yet the heaviest weight I’ve ever been. Yes, I would still like that to change, but it does show me that being the thinnest in my life doesn’t make me the happiest I’ve ever been. That’s taken me years and years to believe.
I feel like this was the lesson in this for me. Point well taken. I finally believe it. Whew…got it.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
Things are good right now. I’ve been playing catch up with some ED friends on where I am in my own recovery. By doing so, I found that I’m surprisingly in a better spot than I thought I was. I stated that “I now have more in front of me to work on, than behind me to work on and that feels awesome”. I LOVE that statement. I even used it on my facebook status! I’ve finally reached the tipping point on the scales in recovery with after all these years and after all this hard work where I’m not working on my past any longer but working on the present things like my family and bettering my relationship with them and raising my daughter the best I know how and things such as self care and self love. Things from my past have been discovered, talked about, cried over, tossed around, argued with, healed from and moved on from. It is an amazing spot to be in. Ironically, as I’ve said many times previously, I’m the happiest I’ve been, yet the heaviest weight I’ve ever been. Yes, I would still like that to change, but it does show me that being the thinnest in my life doesn’t make me the happiest I’ve ever been. That’s taken me years and years to believe.
I feel like this was the lesson in this for me. Point well taken. I finally believe it. Whew…got it.
Love, XXX
January 31, 2011
Dear Body, I'm sane today.
1.31.11
Dear Body,
I was talking with a friend today who was questioning on how much weight she would need to gain to gain being sane again. Her question brought me to think how I was just grateful for this exact thought over the weekend. With, of course, a bit of a twist. An eating disorder twist, that is. I was out with my husband for a night on the town for his birthday and we were surrounded by beautiful women. I felt good in all the ways except one. My weight. But I felt good in every other way possible. My mind was sane, my thoughts were sane, and my reactions were level and even as were my moods. I wasn’t thinking, acting, or behaving irrational. We went out to dinner. I ordered food without all the various counting in my head and going back and forth on what I was going to get (well, a little but on the normal side) and how I was going to burn it off or get rid of it somehow today or not eat tomorrow. I simply ate my dinner with a quiet mind with food that tasted great and company of my husband and friends that I enjoyed. I felt great with my sane mind. A few years ago with my weight being much less and me wondering how the hell I could keep the weight as far down as possible would keep my insane thinking going. It was a vicious cycle. Now, I am thankful for my sane thinking and feeling on most days. However I wish my weight was different. But is one better than the other? I have to say yes. Been there, done that on both side many of times and I’d like to say that there is more of an middle than where I’m at now and I will experience it as I get healthier and as I keep working my recovery. Yes, the sane side is better. It is much better than the not-so-sane-side. In my opinion anyways.
My dear body that I can be so cruel to…I’m finally starting to see you in a true new light. Yea:) Something big is changing from the inside out. This part isn’t about the weight. This is bigger than the weight and much more than what the weight is about. I’m starting to somehow appreciate you in a different light and not quite sure how this is happening, but over time, this IS happening. I hope you can see the difference and feel the difference from me. This is real. I’m a little bit more in synch with you and not so distant. I am glad that we are starting to get on the same side and starting to form some type of a relationship. I didn’t realize that it’s a little less lonely having you a part of me. There’s still more to come and more to go with where we need to go but I can see this is all good. You’ve sure been patient with me.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
I was talking with a friend today who was questioning on how much weight she would need to gain to gain being sane again. Her question brought me to think how I was just grateful for this exact thought over the weekend. With, of course, a bit of a twist. An eating disorder twist, that is. I was out with my husband for a night on the town for his birthday and we were surrounded by beautiful women. I felt good in all the ways except one. My weight. But I felt good in every other way possible. My mind was sane, my thoughts were sane, and my reactions were level and even as were my moods. I wasn’t thinking, acting, or behaving irrational. We went out to dinner. I ordered food without all the various counting in my head and going back and forth on what I was going to get (well, a little but on the normal side) and how I was going to burn it off or get rid of it somehow today or not eat tomorrow. I simply ate my dinner with a quiet mind with food that tasted great and company of my husband and friends that I enjoyed. I felt great with my sane mind. A few years ago with my weight being much less and me wondering how the hell I could keep the weight as far down as possible would keep my insane thinking going. It was a vicious cycle. Now, I am thankful for my sane thinking and feeling on most days. However I wish my weight was different. But is one better than the other? I have to say yes. Been there, done that on both side many of times and I’d like to say that there is more of an middle than where I’m at now and I will experience it as I get healthier and as I keep working my recovery. Yes, the sane side is better. It is much better than the not-so-sane-side. In my opinion anyways.
My dear body that I can be so cruel to…I’m finally starting to see you in a true new light. Yea:) Something big is changing from the inside out. This part isn’t about the weight. This is bigger than the weight and much more than what the weight is about. I’m starting to somehow appreciate you in a different light and not quite sure how this is happening, but over time, this IS happening. I hope you can see the difference and feel the difference from me. This is real. I’m a little bit more in synch with you and not so distant. I am glad that we are starting to get on the same side and starting to form some type of a relationship. I didn’t realize that it’s a little less lonely having you a part of me. There’s still more to come and more to go with where we need to go but I can see this is all good. You’ve sure been patient with me.
Love, XXX
January 24, 2011
Dear Ed. Fuck You
*may be triggering
1.23.2011
Dear ED,
I was asked a question today and it reminded me of you.
Q: Is my eating disorder considered self-injury even though i don't cut or mutilate?
A: My personal guess is yes. I’ve always considered mine at least self destruction.
Answering that question brought you into the picture again because what I could have written after that, was that cutting and self mutilating comes later.
At least it did for me.
Ed, you are one dark, twisted son of a bitch. You are so sneaky and twisted on how you will self harm and self destruct and self hate. It has only recently has become clear to me in the last couple of year that I actually even cut in the first place. I don’t even think I know what cutting was. Then when I did know what it was, the way I cut was not stereotypical of what a “cutter” does. I slash out of anger at myself. Out of self hatred. That is you ED. Fuck you ED...as I’m writting this I’m realizing that I’ve done it enough times to count. You are dark, dark, dark. God, stay away from me. What a manuplitive twisted disease you are. You appear to be one thing and at one time I really believed you. In the end, the truth comes out and this is you being reveled. This is you being ripped open to the core. You’re being expose Ed. How dark and twisted you are. I hope I don’t lose this vision of you. It makes me appreciate me and the body I am in right now. I don’t know how long this will last for but this has lasted a minute which is longer than I recall happening in the past. Wow.
Fuck you Ed.
Love, XXX
1.23.2011
Dear ED,
I was asked a question today and it reminded me of you.
Q: Is my eating disorder considered self-injury even though i don't cut or mutilate?
A: My personal guess is yes. I’ve always considered mine at least self destruction.
Answering that question brought you into the picture again because what I could have written after that, was that cutting and self mutilating comes later.
At least it did for me.
Ed, you are one dark, twisted son of a bitch. You are so sneaky and twisted on how you will self harm and self destruct and self hate. It has only recently has become clear to me in the last couple of year that I actually even cut in the first place. I don’t even think I know what cutting was. Then when I did know what it was, the way I cut was not stereotypical of what a “cutter” does. I slash out of anger at myself. Out of self hatred. That is you ED. Fuck you ED...as I’m writting this I’m realizing that I’ve done it enough times to count. You are dark, dark, dark. God, stay away from me. What a manuplitive twisted disease you are. You appear to be one thing and at one time I really believed you. In the end, the truth comes out and this is you being reveled. This is you being ripped open to the core. You’re being expose Ed. How dark and twisted you are. I hope I don’t lose this vision of you. It makes me appreciate me and the body I am in right now. I don’t know how long this will last for but this has lasted a minute which is longer than I recall happening in the past. Wow.
Fuck you Ed.
Love, XXX
January 15, 2011
Dear XXX, I've waited a long time to write you...
1.14.2011
Dear XXX,
I’ve waited a long time to write you because I think I’ve waited a long time to say what it is that I’m going to say. I also think YOU are going to take a long time to listen to what I have to say. This is your time that you have to do your work in. You don’t get another chance. This is it. Enough of the excuses. Enough of the reasons. Weather or not they exist, weather or not they are real, weather or not they ring true and they are they truth, it doesn’t matter…you don’t have an excuse. You haven’t worked out barely for months. You’ve eaten pretty good, but you could eat better. There is better without pressure. You know that.There’s following your food plan and following it without turning back. You can hit your 30 days and get your mediallioin. You can do this. At least 1 medallion. Maybe 2. 60 days you can do. Food wise. Then workout wise too. This isn’t about weight. You know that. This is about everything but. This is about strength and stamania and courage and devotion and courage and putting one foot in front of the other and taking baby steps and doing the next right thing and then doing the next right thing after that. This is getting to sleep at night when I don’t want to. This is laying down with xxx and shutting my eyes. This is getting up before xxx gets up before work and going to the gym, this is going out to the bus stop with xxx and going for a walk afterwards in the freezing cold.
You can do this. You can.This is what this year is all about. Last year is over with and it’s done. You have a lot to go and you can do it. Keep on doing the next right thing XXX. I’ve been waiting a long time to talk to you and I hope you’re listening.
Love, Your Body
Dear XXX,
I’ve waited a long time to write you because I think I’ve waited a long time to say what it is that I’m going to say. I also think YOU are going to take a long time to listen to what I have to say. This is your time that you have to do your work in. You don’t get another chance. This is it. Enough of the excuses. Enough of the reasons. Weather or not they exist, weather or not they are real, weather or not they ring true and they are they truth, it doesn’t matter…you don’t have an excuse. You haven’t worked out barely for months. You’ve eaten pretty good, but you could eat better. There is better without pressure. You know that.There’s following your food plan and following it without turning back. You can hit your 30 days and get your mediallioin. You can do this. At least 1 medallion. Maybe 2. 60 days you can do. Food wise. Then workout wise too. This isn’t about weight. You know that. This is about everything but. This is about strength and stamania and courage and devotion and courage and putting one foot in front of the other and taking baby steps and doing the next right thing and then doing the next right thing after that. This is getting to sleep at night when I don’t want to. This is laying down with xxx and shutting my eyes. This is getting up before xxx gets up before work and going to the gym, this is going out to the bus stop with xxx and going for a walk afterwards in the freezing cold.
You can do this. You can.This is what this year is all about. Last year is over with and it’s done. You have a lot to go and you can do it. Keep on doing the next right thing XXX. I’ve been waiting a long time to talk to you and I hope you’re listening.
Love, Your Body
January 10, 2011
I passed the Test of Faith
Dear Body,
I have written to you in a few days now because the last time I did, it was posted all over my facebook page for the whole world to read. It was up on facebook for most of the morning and God know who of my 130 "friends" read it. You'd think I freak out, right? Well, I didn't. It has to do with the last few letters I've been writting. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am. Tired of feeling shame over my eating disorders and my million of other disorders and labels and issues and problems. If people can't handle that, then, "oh well"...not my problem. I can't help what people can't deal with. My last few letters were put to the test and wether or not I really meant what I said. I guess I meant it because not only did I not freak out, I haven't let it bother me at all. Something in me has really changed. Now, I know this is the same type of change it takes for me to accept my body. Am I there? No. Not yet...but I just took one huge leap of "something" that got me through what could of been a devestaviting time and choose to turn it around by my deep belief in myself. I don't think I could of done that unless I had started a relationship with you. I needed to have YOU on my side in order to make that big of a statement and really mean it and then DO it. It was almost like a test of my faith. And I passed! I guess a test I could of gone without, but timing was perfect I have to say. Things happen the way they happen for a reason, I believe that. My lesson was well timed. I'll think more on accepting myself as is tomorrow...tonight I'm going to not think about losing weight. I'll just try to maintain where I am and accept that I'm not trying to lose weight. Goddd, that's hard to do, even for one night. I can do this for one night. I went to an EDA meeting tonight and one of the girls there stated she was going to try to focus this week on maintaining and not losing weight...I can do that for a night. Considering it's 1:20 in the morning already and I have to get up in a few hours, I think I can do this...Good night.
I have written to you in a few days now because the last time I did, it was posted all over my facebook page for the whole world to read. It was up on facebook for most of the morning and God know who of my 130 "friends" read it. You'd think I freak out, right? Well, I didn't. It has to do with the last few letters I've been writting. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am. Tired of feeling shame over my eating disorders and my million of other disorders and labels and issues and problems. If people can't handle that, then, "oh well"...not my problem. I can't help what people can't deal with. My last few letters were put to the test and wether or not I really meant what I said. I guess I meant it because not only did I not freak out, I haven't let it bother me at all. Something in me has really changed. Now, I know this is the same type of change it takes for me to accept my body. Am I there? No. Not yet...but I just took one huge leap of "something" that got me through what could of been a devestaviting time and choose to turn it around by my deep belief in myself. I don't think I could of done that unless I had started a relationship with you. I needed to have YOU on my side in order to make that big of a statement and really mean it and then DO it. It was almost like a test of my faith. And I passed! I guess a test I could of gone without, but timing was perfect I have to say. Things happen the way they happen for a reason, I believe that. My lesson was well timed. I'll think more on accepting myself as is tomorrow...tonight I'm going to not think about losing weight. I'll just try to maintain where I am and accept that I'm not trying to lose weight. Goddd, that's hard to do, even for one night. I can do this for one night. I went to an EDA meeting tonight and one of the girls there stated she was going to try to focus this week on maintaining and not losing weight...I can do that for a night. Considering it's 1:20 in the morning already and I have to get up in a few hours, I think I can do this...Good night.
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