Tuesday, January 12, 2010

1.12.10 Dear Body

Dear Body,

I’m not sure what to say to you right now. When I disappoint others I tend to hide behind myself and not want to come out. It’s easy to know that I don’t like you but it’s not easy to disappoint you. I don’t wish you harm. It’s not like I hate you it’s just that I don’t like you. Not liking someone or something is different than hating. I feel bad. I don’t want someone to know that I don’t like them. I wouldn’t want the same thing done to me. So, why am I doing it to you? I’m sorry. I know it hurts to hear. I feel bad. I’ll change because there really isn’t a REAL reason why. There really isn’t. I mean, I can say it’s because you aren’t allowing me to be thin right now but it sounds so silly. Back to that superficial, shallow thinking and acting. That’s not who I am…that’s not how I think either…but it’s how I am treating you. I’m sorry. I don’t want to apologize without understanding why. If things are going to change for me and you, then I’m going to have to know why before I can change. I know this probably means going through our lifetime together and figuring out when and where it all started. Am I ready for this? I think so. But I don’t feel like doing any of it right now. I just want you to know that I’m ready and hopefully it won’t be much longer with our relationship the way it is. I really do want to change. I don’t want to hate you. I, in fact, want to love you and need you to know that there is a good chance of us working it out together. I know I really hurt you with Madison’s wish the other night. Again, I’m sorry. Yep, I want to change because I didn’t like acting shallow. I’m not proud of my behavior. I’m really willing to try and open up and have these conversations with you to understand and change. Honestly. It will be hard work but I will do it. There must be a part of me that loves you or else I wouldn’t do this. I hope that gives you hope.

I talked to my therapist today. Actually read him these letters that we are sending each other. My husband was there. In a way, I can’t believe that I was willing to read these letters to anyone at all. Why did I? I suppose it is because I’m serious about working things out with you. Maybe I need the support of my husband too. I need him to be there to catch me fall just incase something really horrible comes up while I’m figuring us out. I don’t suspect anything but who knows. I just think I have fear of going through the work. But I’m ready to do it. Just not today.

Love, XXX

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