Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dear Body

Dear Body,

It's time for some radical recovery. This eating disorder just isn't an option any longer. You are too old now for this. It's a waste of time to engage in any ED behavior. I am going to write letters to you until you change. That's all there is to it. I don't love you but I really need to. So, I will talk myself into loving you. Deep down I WANT to love you but I've been cruel to you for so long that there really isn't emotion there. That's going to change because I am going to talk to you and get this figured out between us. I'd say that my life is 1/2 over with if you statically look at my age and I don't want to fight any longer. I want peace at the minimum. I want actual love at the maximum. I don't have either right now. This is another (yes, another) journey that I am embarking on but I think it's necessary. I’m forcing myself to love you no matter what. This is radical recovery. I’m not skilled enough at DBT for radical acceptance with you as my body so I am going to do radical writing (actually typing) which I think is the only way I can fully recover and put this behind me. Radical Recovery….it just might work. I hope you follow along with me and see if you notice any changes that I might not be noticing. I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing else to do except to have the courage to change the things that I can change. All I know is IT IS TIME for the ED to be done with. I made big strides when I learned how to separate myself from my eating disorder and now I need to put the pieces back together and love myself. I guess nothing bad can come from this, right?

Here’s a letter to my body while staying at the Anna Westin House for my eating disorder in May 2009: It felt like I was getting somewhere with acceptance after a month of inpatient. But sadly, it has gone away. Again. Anyways, here’s one letter TO my body and then my body’s response back to me… (these two really need to learn how to get along and live as ONE instead of two separate entities.)

Dear Body,

It feels foreign to me to write you a letter since I have rarely given you the time of day or any nice words to say. It’s only been a short while since I have decided to accept you. But now that I have, I want you to know that I’m going to try to love you and respect you. You have given me the best present someone could have and allowed me to have a baby. I’m sorry that I’ve been so cruel to you in the past but I vow that I’m going to change that. You deserve a lot of love and the kind of attention that is needed to continue the rest of our life together. You need to be nourished not only with food but with love. I promise that I will take care of you from now on. XXX needs someone to show her how to love her own little 4 year old body and it’s up to us to do that now.

My Body’s response:

Dear XXX,

Thank you for your last letter. I understand that you are trying to have a good relationship with me; however, I need to be honest with you and let you know just how bad you have hurt me. You have hurt me both physically and emotionally. In fact, certain times it was abuse. I do so much good for you and you do not appreciate it. I realize you are trying to change that. I want you to be able to treat me right so you can show XXX what it is like to be nice to her body. She will learn from you, so I hope you can show her and teach her that you only get one body in your lifetime.

I understand that it’s hard for you because you like to be a certain way but the way I want you is a little different. Since I am “the body”, I get to decide. Trust me and know that I’m not going to make you unhealthy. Quit fighting me and just let it go and accept that I’ll be fine the way I am. You worry about the things like happiness and let me worry about your size. Just keep doing what you are suppose to do and things will be fine. Trust yourself and trust me and realize that I want the best for you.

1 comment:

  1. Nice
    I struggle with compulsive eating disorder...mine is JOAN.
    I write about our 'relationship' here

    I'll keep reading! You'll get there, and so will I!