Monday, January 18, 2010

1.18.10 Dear Body

Dear Body,

I got sad today...not at you. At ED. ED is being acting like a predator towards a young girl today. I was standing in line at a McDonalds and I overhead the young girl tell her mom how she had 700 calories today and her mom wanted to know how she knew that and she told her that she has added “them up” today. Her mom didn’t have anything to say back to her…..I got mad and told my husband about their conversation. Now the anger has turned to sadness because I am afraid of that young girl being my daughter in 8-9 years. I have to make sure that my daughter doesn’t get around ED. I need to protect her. ED is a predator and I can not have him anywhere near her. I need him out of my life to make sure he doesn’t get anywhere near her. Can you help me out a little? I need you to be a partner with me on this. I really want to fix our relationship so my daughter learns good body image and has a healthy self esteem. I NEED to have a good relationship with you and want to work on it together. I’ll do what ever it takes. Whatever it takes for the sake of my daughter. I will start doing affirmations. I will tell myself I love you and try to. I will take care of my body by nourishing it and not restricting OR overeating. I will workout in moderation. I will start to look back in my life and find out where we went wrong. I remember the first thoughts I had about you. I was 3 years old. I didn’t like that my tummy protruded and was rounded. I remember wishing I could cut the fat off. I don’t know if someone said something to me or if I was going through trauma related issues. I had to have an operation on my bladder and I felt so out of control and scared and no one explained anything to me what was going on or why I had to have a operation. I had to find something to be able to focus on and try to control. My little body got the focus. I was younger than my daughter is right now (she’s 4) and I remember hating my tummy so much. How sad. Poor little me. I have kind of known this but I haven’t walked through it. How do I go about letting this heal? I need to give affirmations to my little 3 yr old body. That might help some. Maybe I need to talk to my therapist about this. I’ll make an appointment with him tomorrow. I know I need to write a letter to ED and tell him to stay the hell away from me and my daughter. Okay body….maybe I never got a chance to know you or love you because I was so young when I decided not to like you. I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t your fault. I’m not going to blame myself either because I was only 3 and it was the only thing I could control or try to control at that time. I deserved for someone to tell me what was happening with the operation. I know my parents were only doing what was done back “then” and not talk about it. They loved me and wanted to protect me the best they could. I can now protect my own daughter and talk to her about what is going on with things. I can also empathize with being a parent and doing the best you can do.
Do I feel better? Maybe. Not sure. I feel like an adult though (which is good since I’m 40) trying to fix things from my past. That feeling of no control has so much to do with my stubbornness that I feel when it comes to having to give in. Even to you body…. I feel like I have to give in to make you healthy and it kind of pisses me off. The act of eating when I don’t want to or even stopping my eating when I don’t want to pisses me off. Having to workout to keep you healthy pisses me off. It makes me feel like a little kid who has no control. I feel defeated when I have to give in for what ever reason I have. Do I have to change this around? I am not sure how to change it around. Maybe if I don’t feel defeated when I give in then I wouldn’t mind giving in. Oh, I don’t know what I’m getting to. I know that’s one of the issues with my husband that I have which is giving in all the time on everything. There’s a part of me that kicks and screams before I give in because it’s such an uncomfortable process to give in. I need to look at this area more.
Hmmmm, I feel better. Maybe like I’m getting somewhere. Well, I know I feel bad for my little 3 yr old self and I imagine hugging myself and making myself feel safe. Just like I would with my daughter.
Love, XXX

1 comment:

  1. Keep ED away from your daughter. And keep holing on. Thank you.