Tuesday, January 26, 2010

1.26.10 Dear Body

Dear Body,
I’m a little bit frustrated with you. All week I have followed my food plan AND worked out and I didn’t lose any weight. I KNOW I did all I can to lose weight in a healthy way. I’m trying to be patient but really, I can’t stand being in this body any longer. I was doing really well with trying to accept you the way you are but now I am having a hard time with this all. It really has helped me to try to love you but now I am just frustrated. What do I need to change? I feel stuck because I can’t clearly think. ED is trying to step in and cloud my thoughts with his trash talk. ED wants me to listen to him and I am NOT going to do it. I’m stuck. What do I do now? I will keep working out and keep following my food plan and try to be patient. I guess I need to figure out why I’m doing what I am doing? Okay...the exercise part…I guess I AM 40 and if I don’t start staying active now, I’ll never be active and I really want my daughter to grow up seeing exercise as a part of life to stay healthy. I need to exercise for my health, both physical and mental. I know what exercise does to me mentally and how good I feel afterwards. Surprisingly, it’s the one thing I haven’t obsessed over and have managed to stay in balance. I also really want to run my first 5k this April. I am so scared of failing. I want to accomplish a goal that I have set out to do. It’s important to me to do this. It’s important that I am working out on many different levels. Now, I need to figure out the food part. ED is butting in and trying to get me to want to restrict. He wants me to think if I restrict then I will lose weight. I know better. THAT stopped working on me 2 yrs ago. I KNOW I have a better chance of losing weight if I eat balanced meals throughout the day. Restricting is only going to get me to want to binge. Why am I wanting to follow a food plan that doesn’t involve losing weight. Okay, I know…because it keeps me emotionally stable when I eat balanced. That is for sure. I can think better, I can concentrate much better, I think I am happier over all. Yes, there’s a part of me (big part) that is following my food plan so I can lose weight but it’s more than JUST that. Maybe I’ll always want to lose weight even when/if I do lose it but I don’t want the drama that goes with losing “just 5 more lbs”. That won’t get me happier. Been there, done that. I think these last few weeks while I have been writing you, I have been pretty damn happy. I was happy because I was being balanced in my life. I know it isn’t about being a certain number….I really am to THAT point in my recovery. But I am uncomfortable in my own body. I can’t ignore that part. I think it’s okay that I want to lose weight. I think it’s okay that I want you to respond back to me. I’m trying, will you now? It’s your turn!
Love, XXX

ps. I decided that I am not going to buy any more magazines for a year. It doesn't do US any good to look at those magazines. You know why. I don't think I need to explain. SEE? I really am trying to change for us. I WANT to love you. Hopefully in time. Maybe you are waiting to see if I am serious with my actions to get a response out of you. I can't force you to respond..all I can do is keep on trying. Maybe I'm just being impatient and need to give you more time. I'll try. You try too.


  1. Yes! and remember, there are more measures of success than the scale :)
    love to you

  2. good on you, no magazines is such a great idea! read amazing books instead and get lost ina word that doesn't do close-ups on celulite and rave on about the fad diets that ruin us.