1.26.10 Dear Body

Dear Body,
I’m a little bit frustrated with you. All week I have followed my food plan AND worked out and I didn’t lose any weight. I KNOW I did all I can to lose weight in a healthy way. I’m trying to be patient but really, I can’t stand being in this body any longer. I was doing really well with trying to accept you the way you are but now I am having a hard time with this all. It really has helped me to try to love you but now I am just frustrated. What do I need to change? I feel stuck because I can’t clearly think. ED is trying to step in and cloud my thoughts with his trash talk. ED wants me to listen to him and I am NOT going to do it. I’m stuck. What do I do now? I will keep working out and keep following my food plan and try to be patient. I guess I need to figure out why I’m doing what I am doing? Okay...the exercise part…I guess I AM 40 and if I don’t start staying active now, I’ll never be active and I really want my daughter to grow up seeing exercise as a part of life to stay healthy. I need to exercise for my health, both physical and mental. I know what exercise does to me mentally and how good I feel afterwards. Surprisingly, it’s the one thing I haven’t obsessed over and have managed to stay in balance. I also really want to run my first 5k this April. I am so scared of failing. I want to accomplish a goal that I have set out to do. It’s important to me to do this. It’s important that I am working out on many different levels. Now, I need to figure out the food part. ED is butting in and trying to get me to want to restrict. He wants me to think if I restrict then I will lose weight. I know better. THAT stopped working on me 2 yrs ago. I KNOW I have a better chance of losing weight if I eat balanced meals throughout the day. Restricting is only going to get me to want to binge. Why am I wanting to follow a food plan that doesn’t involve losing weight. Okay, I know…because it keeps me emotionally stable when I eat balanced. That is for sure. I can think better, I can concentrate much better, I think I am happier over all. Yes, there’s a part of me (big part) that is following my food plan so I can lose weight but it’s more than JUST that. Maybe I’ll always want to lose weight even when/if I do lose it but I don’t want the drama that goes with losing “just 5 more lbs”. That won’t get me happier. Been there, done that. I think these last few weeks while I have been writing you, I have been pretty damn happy. I was happy because I was being balanced in my life. I know it isn’t about being a certain number….I really am to THAT point in my recovery. But I am uncomfortable in my own body. I can’t ignore that part. I think it’s okay that I want to lose weight. I think it’s okay that I want you to respond back to me. I’m trying, will you now? It’s your turn!
Love, XXX
ps. I decided that I am not going to buy any more magazines for a year. It doesn't do US any good to look at those magazines. You know why. I don't think I need to explain. SEE? I really am trying to change for us. I WANT to love you. Hopefully in time. Maybe you are waiting to see if I am serious with my actions to get a response out of you. I can't force you to respond..all I can do is keep on trying. Maybe I'm just being impatient and need to give you more time. I'll try. You try too.