Dear XXX,
I think you should read other people blogs on recovery and get and stay focused on recovery. Therefore, I'm setting up a Blog Hop for you to join. I'm not completely a computer type, therefore I do not really know what I am doing but I fake it well and can usually figure out this stuff just fine when it comes down to it because I'm just as stubborn as you are and will sit at the computer figuring it out until it gets done. YOU are a creative person though and have a graphics background and like to create so with our stubborness and your creativity we can figure out this blog hop.
Excuse the mistakes along the way here as I'm figuring this out. But enjoy learning about other's blogs.
Love, Your Body
December 31, 2010
I have a lot to babble about right now!
Dear Body,
So…I didn’t have much to eat today at all. Maybe a ½ a sandwich. I kind of did the “bypassing hunger” which I rarely do anymore from my “old days” of the old days of ED. Then I compulsively decided to have 2 drinks. For no real reason. I got excited for a creative reason of all things. I can’t even explain it because I don’t think others will understand it. I’m sure if you’re creative and you’re about to start a project you know what I’m saying but for the most part I don’t think will understand. Regardless, there wasn’t a reason but I just now realized that I had a lot of anxiety that I didn’t know what to do with. It was uncontainable. I had to contain it and I knew alcohol would do the trick. The 2 drinks did it. Right or wrong…it did the trick. I don’t want anymore. I am done drinking. Don’t feel like getting drunk or anything. Just needed to take off the anxiety edge. What can I do to take that off without the drinking? Shit, what have I done for the last 8 years when I didn’t drink? I guess I didn’t sleep and I freaked out. Hmmm.
A bit a go, I noticed my husband walking in and out of the kitchen eating. I am sure I’m hungry but since I’ve fucked up my eating today I can’t tell if I am hungry or not and am just numb with my hunger. I watched him awhile go in and out of the kitchen, getting this and that to eat, and just watched and noticed that he was eating. And that I was not. I’m sure I was hungry but I was not feeling it. I should of ate at this point, but I just didn’t want to and welcomed the empty feeling. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this and I miss it. It’s like coming home. I wish it could be like this forever. It’s like taking cocaine. Something that doesn’t seem dangerous when you are doing it but it’s so inviting and enticing to the taste. I should say to my taste because I know some won’t understand just how mouth watering that feeling is. Nothing beats it.
I did have something that was going to replace it though…not really replace it but give me something to do. I wanted to have sex. Granted we had sex this morning but for me, that’s just fine. I have no problem in this department with keeping up. Sorry if that’s too much TMI. I was thinking about saying something about it and then the husband got up off the couch, went back into the kitchen and made yet another thing to eat. I watched him as he walked out and kind of laughed. He caught me looking at him, with a smirk on my face and asked what? I said, it’s funny because you wanted something and got food and wasn’t thinking about sex. I also wanted something, probably wanted food but instead said I wanted sex. Hell, I don’t know what I’m trying to say here and I may of gotten it wrong…but there is something here in this statement and I’m not sure what it is.
I have so much to write and don’t know if I’ll get to it all. I don’t even know who I’m writing this to. It’s not really to any of you. Not you body, or Ed, or myself. It’s not my husband for sure because I read this the first paragraph and I KNOW he only listens so he doesn’t hurt my feelings and really thinks I’m too much…and not too interested. Maybe it’s to my therapist. because there isn’t anyone else “in” me. High five to me for realizing that I don’t have multiple personalities. God, seriously…it’s a diagnosis that I DON’T have. This reminds me that now have in the medical records of having seasonal disfefective disorder. No biggie to me. That’s the least of my problems. I’m only mentioning it because I got one of those “lights” to help me deal with my depression. Wow, what a difference this has made in a few short days. Seriously. Totally got to recommend it to anyone with depression or SAD. Regardless, I don’t know who I’m writing this to, but perhaps DearBody. YOU could use it for the good and find something good out of it.
I went to an EDA meeting tonight. When it was xxx’s turn to talk she was so motivating. She threw away all her clothes that didn’t fit and totally bought a whole new wardrobe with clothes that fit because she deserves it! What an inspiration. I needed to see that recharging with someone to get me recharged with my own recovery. It was enlightening and inspiring and refreshing to hear someone say that they deserve to dress nice and look good. I think it’s great. Now, I’m not there yet. Sorry body… .I’m not BUT I like that attitude and can appreciate it. It feels great to hear it. I feel like I can get there IF I lose weight. Man…I’m going BACKWARD with my eating disorder recovery. I took one ass gigantic step backwards that size of the United States. Damn. But at least I am positive with recovery and believe that I CAN get there. I believe WE can get there body..you and I. Together. It’ll take the two of us together to do this. To move ED out and shut him up for good. Geez, that sounds good, doesn’t it?
In group yesterday I talked about how I have quit living life because of my weight. I’ve quite going places and quite seeing people and quite doing things all because of my weight. I know I’ve done this for the last 2 years but really the last 6 months have been really bad and especially the last month it’s been very bad. It’s not me. It’s not who I am. I am not someone to quit living life. Really, I don’t know who I am anymore. Or I’ve gotten that far enough away from me that I don’t recognize myself anymore. On many levels. Body…I’ve never recognized you because I’ve never lived with a body like you before. I’m XX lbs heavier than I’ve ever been and I don’t even know what to do with you. Sorry. I’m more just being honest with you than accepting you. I’m not rejecting you but I’m not accepting you. I guess I’ve been keeping numb. No shit.
I’m tired of talking now. We’ve upped my meds that counteract my Abilify because it’s not causing me to lose weight *(yet). I still have hopes. High hopes. Oh, Dear Body of mine… please help me out and do what you can do and I will keep on “keeping on” even though I’m really tired.
Love, XXX
December 22, 2010
Dear Body,
Bummer, I was trying to copy and paste a conversation a friend and I were having on facebook and I can't copy it. We were talking about how Ed is ALWAYS there in our heads. Hers is really loud and she screams back at it and I told her to try to change her relationship with ED. Looking back years ago that is how I started my journey with recovery. God, it was sooo long ago. I barely remember the first stages but it was doing what I am trying to do with you now body. Trying to have a conversation and building up the tools to communicate with you and figure US out. This mornings conversation was what I needed to know that I'm on the right track here by writting YOU. This IS what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm on my way out of hell I think. I believe I'm being led (blindly let me tell you!) by my HP here. I don't know how much of that I'll get into right now but God does have a part here. HE's put the people in my life, the programs in my life, the situations in my life for me and I'm trying to take those opportunities and take the good out of them and use the good for what it's intended for. I feel blessed in a way. Who would of thought that I'd feel blessed from my eating disorder? Hmmmm, never thought of that before until now. Anyways, here's the ending what I wrote about the conversation I had with my friend.
It just kind of ends (the conversation) but I got out of it what I needed. I remember those early days of recovery and Ed constantly yelling in my head at me. That sucked. I mean, don't get me wrong..this sucks now, but now at least I know how how control parts of this fucked up disease. What a mental mind fuck it is. Unless you have it, you can't understand it. I don't hear much about this part of an eating disorder. No one seems to talk about the constant chatter that is going on inside our heads and how chatotic it really is and what we do to shut it off. No wonder why we listen to it because it's always there! Even in the midst of years of recovery, it's still THERE. Just thankfully quieter. Maybe that is why I am so noise sensitive. I hate noises. It's too much for me. I get very agitated and irritated with the child and husband who are playing too loud or making certain noises, etc. I just can't handle another noise going on. I need quiet. Even my quiet isn't quiet. Ed is there, keeping me company. Good ole' Ed. Quite the loyal "friend" ain't he? NOT.
Love, XXX
Bummer, I was trying to copy and paste a conversation a friend and I were having on facebook and I can't copy it. We were talking about how Ed is ALWAYS there in our heads. Hers is really loud and she screams back at it and I told her to try to change her relationship with ED. Looking back years ago that is how I started my journey with recovery. God, it was sooo long ago. I barely remember the first stages but it was doing what I am trying to do with you now body. Trying to have a conversation and building up the tools to communicate with you and figure US out. This mornings conversation was what I needed to know that I'm on the right track here by writting YOU. This IS what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm on my way out of hell I think. I believe I'm being led (blindly let me tell you!) by my HP here. I don't know how much of that I'll get into right now but God does have a part here. HE's put the people in my life, the programs in my life, the situations in my life for me and I'm trying to take those opportunities and take the good out of them and use the good for what it's intended for. I feel blessed in a way. Who would of thought that I'd feel blessed from my eating disorder? Hmmmm, never thought of that before until now. Anyways, here's the ending what I wrote about the conversation I had with my friend.
It just kind of ends (the conversation) but I got out of it what I needed. I remember those early days of recovery and Ed constantly yelling in my head at me. That sucked. I mean, don't get me wrong..this sucks now, but now at least I know how how control parts of this fucked up disease. What a mental mind fuck it is. Unless you have it, you can't understand it. I don't hear much about this part of an eating disorder. No one seems to talk about the constant chatter that is going on inside our heads and how chatotic it really is and what we do to shut it off. No wonder why we listen to it because it's always there! Even in the midst of years of recovery, it's still THERE. Just thankfully quieter. Maybe that is why I am so noise sensitive. I hate noises. It's too much for me. I get very agitated and irritated with the child and husband who are playing too loud or making certain noises, etc. I just can't handle another noise going on. I need quiet. Even my quiet isn't quiet. Ed is there, keeping me company. Good ole' Ed. Quite the loyal "friend" ain't he? NOT.
Love, XXX
December 21, 2010
12.17.10
Dear XXX,
You have ignored me for a long time now. You haven’t paid me any attention. What do you expect when you aren’t taking care of me? I need YOU to take care of me. Only YOU can do it. I’m not punishing you how you think. You’ve gained a lot of weight, yes…because you’ve simply taken in more calories than you burned. But don’t think it’s all your fault. You are on a lot of medications and you already know that the ablilify hasn’t helped you keep your weight down. But you haven’t been helping the situation any. You have been overeating. Not following your food plan. Not exercising. Not drinking water. Not taking care of me. You’ve fallen into a deep depression for close to 2 months and although this is not totally your fault you have not used the tools that you’ve learned in therapy to help you out of your depression. You know what to do and yes, it’s hard to do it when you’re depressed, but you need to keep pushing forward. Congrats on getting out of your depression though. That was tough this time. Please take the time while your feeling better and make a plan to help you next time you fall into the dark again.
I love you,
Your Body
12.18.10
Dear Body,
Sorry. It’s been so long since you’ve talked to me. You are right, I haven’t taken care of you. But I’m trying again. I am sorry for not taking care of you. I know that it’s only me and there is no one else to do so. That is what threw me in depression I think this last time. I need to take care of you, so YOU can take care of me. Don’t ask me why but this shouldn’t be complicated. I am 41 after all. I should know that we need to take care of each other to make it through this life. I know I don’t want to fight you anymore. That I KNOW. Did I think I had to ignore you in order to not fight with you? I don’t know how to answer that. Maybe. But I can’t ignore you because I just can’t. That doesn’t get me anywhere. That’s gotten me XX lbs heavier. It’s not even about the weight (hello??? This is ME talking! LOL). It really isn’t. It’s about feeling good about myself and I just haven’t felt good about myself for so long now. For the last few years it HAS been about weight but I really didn’t have to complain too much. NOW, I have to complain because I’ve never weighed this much in my life. I mean EVER. Not even near... by XX lbs. I know it “sounds” like it’s about the weight still, but it isn’t. Anyways, you know what I’m saying and I don’t really have to explain it all that much to you but I do feel the need to have to explain it to other people for some reason. Except I don't really talk about it. I just blog about it. I still have to get it off my chest even though I don't talk about it. It helps to talk, regardless if no one is listening. I need to talk and talk and talk just to get it out. Gotta go…more later. Thank you for telling me you love me.
Love, XXX
Dear XXX,
You have ignored me for a long time now. You haven’t paid me any attention. What do you expect when you aren’t taking care of me? I need YOU to take care of me. Only YOU can do it. I’m not punishing you how you think. You’ve gained a lot of weight, yes…because you’ve simply taken in more calories than you burned. But don’t think it’s all your fault. You are on a lot of medications and you already know that the ablilify hasn’t helped you keep your weight down. But you haven’t been helping the situation any. You have been overeating. Not following your food plan. Not exercising. Not drinking water. Not taking care of me. You’ve fallen into a deep depression for close to 2 months and although this is not totally your fault you have not used the tools that you’ve learned in therapy to help you out of your depression. You know what to do and yes, it’s hard to do it when you’re depressed, but you need to keep pushing forward. Congrats on getting out of your depression though. That was tough this time. Please take the time while your feeling better and make a plan to help you next time you fall into the dark again.
I love you,
Your Body
12.18.10
Dear Body,
Sorry. It’s been so long since you’ve talked to me. You are right, I haven’t taken care of you. But I’m trying again. I am sorry for not taking care of you. I know that it’s only me and there is no one else to do so. That is what threw me in depression I think this last time. I need to take care of you, so YOU can take care of me. Don’t ask me why but this shouldn’t be complicated. I am 41 after all. I should know that we need to take care of each other to make it through this life. I know I don’t want to fight you anymore. That I KNOW. Did I think I had to ignore you in order to not fight with you? I don’t know how to answer that. Maybe. But I can’t ignore you because I just can’t. That doesn’t get me anywhere. That’s gotten me XX lbs heavier. It’s not even about the weight (hello??? This is ME talking! LOL). It really isn’t. It’s about feeling good about myself and I just haven’t felt good about myself for so long now. For the last few years it HAS been about weight but I really didn’t have to complain too much. NOW, I have to complain because I’ve never weighed this much in my life. I mean EVER. Not even near... by XX lbs. I know it “sounds” like it’s about the weight still, but it isn’t. Anyways, you know what I’m saying and I don’t really have to explain it all that much to you but I do feel the need to have to explain it to other people for some reason. Except I don't really talk about it. I just blog about it. I still have to get it off my chest even though I don't talk about it. It helps to talk, regardless if no one is listening. I need to talk and talk and talk just to get it out. Gotta go…more later. Thank you for telling me you love me.
Love, XXX
December 17, 2010
Dear Body
12.15.10
Dear Body,
Jesus…I don’t even know what to say, I’m so disassociated with you that I managed to gain xx lbs without batting an eyelash. WTF? Only in my pregnancy have I weighed this much. I am officially fat. For real. I’ve been in a deep depression for 1 ½ months now. I am the only person I swear that gains in depression. I wish I lost like most. I don’t. I am never normal. Jeeze.
The actual reason that has gotten me to write finally is not because of you my dear body, nor me (still separating us!) or ED. It’s my daughter. There has been 2 weight related things that have happened in the last few days with her that have been bothersome. Things that I don’t believe a 5 yr old should be exposed to yet.
The first one; Yesterday morning, I walked my kindergarten daughter down the hallway in the morning and we walked past her gym teacher and my daughter says to me, “She’s lost weight.” I said, “WHAT?” She said, “she’s thinner.” I asked her, “Did she say that to you or did someone else tell you that?” and she said, “I noticed”. WTF?
The second one; This morning, she was playing with a dollie and said, “she is thin because she is eating good food” and it took all of my ED recovering strength to not want to scream out “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “GOOD” FOOD or “BAD” FOOD".
I am also going to make my first political statement that I have ever made. But this Obama obesity thing is going in the wrong fucking direction. First of all, she (the doll) is NOT thin because she is eating “good” food” Second of all there is NO such thing as “good” food or “bad” food.
God dang….is this what she’s being taught in school? Am I making this into a big deal? I’m going to talk to her about this. I shouldn’t assume. But she’s 5….she’s being guided somehow cuz she can’t comprehend this herself can she yet? Fuck, maybe she just has my genes. I’m paranoid now.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
Jesus…I don’t even know what to say, I’m so disassociated with you that I managed to gain xx lbs without batting an eyelash. WTF? Only in my pregnancy have I weighed this much. I am officially fat. For real. I’ve been in a deep depression for 1 ½ months now. I am the only person I swear that gains in depression. I wish I lost like most. I don’t. I am never normal. Jeeze.
The actual reason that has gotten me to write finally is not because of you my dear body, nor me (still separating us!) or ED. It’s my daughter. There has been 2 weight related things that have happened in the last few days with her that have been bothersome. Things that I don’t believe a 5 yr old should be exposed to yet.
The first one; Yesterday morning, I walked my kindergarten daughter down the hallway in the morning and we walked past her gym teacher and my daughter says to me, “She’s lost weight.” I said, “WHAT?” She said, “she’s thinner.” I asked her, “Did she say that to you or did someone else tell you that?” and she said, “I noticed”. WTF?
The second one; This morning, she was playing with a dollie and said, “she is thin because she is eating good food” and it took all of my ED recovering strength to not want to scream out “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “GOOD” FOOD or “BAD” FOOD".
I am also going to make my first political statement that I have ever made. But this Obama obesity thing is going in the wrong fucking direction. First of all, she (the doll) is NOT thin because she is eating “good” food” Second of all there is NO such thing as “good” food or “bad” food.
God dang….is this what she’s being taught in school? Am I making this into a big deal? I’m going to talk to her about this. I shouldn’t assume. But she’s 5….she’s being guided somehow cuz she can’t comprehend this herself can she yet? Fuck, maybe she just has my genes. I’m paranoid now.
Love, XXX
October 12, 2010
10.12.10 Dear Body
10.12.10
Dear Body,
Hi. Hey guess what? It’s probably neither one of us causing this weight gain…it’s the fricken medication. It’s not my thyroid, it’s the abilify. Huh…I mean, I knew that had a lot to do with it. Here’s the best part…there is actually a different med that helps counteract the weight gain. I’m on it now. It’s been deemed medically necessary by my regular doctor to do something about my weight. How shameful is that? Jeesh. Anyways, I feel and look large. And where the hell was this drug earlier and why in the hell have I spent 3 years fat? I can’t simply get off of my abilify either. It’s my maricle drug. I’m normal on it. Now, this next statement that I’m going to make comes from a person with an eating disorder BUT, I’d rather have this weight gain than go without abilify. It’s made that much of a difference in my life. So, see body, YOU and I are on the same page for once. Yeah for us. I feel like this is what we needed to finally bond. God, is that the wrong way to bond? Probably.
Uuugh. It’s only 5 in the morning. I woke up to a body dream. Yes, body, I was dreaming about you. I was dreaming that I was trying on these cool dresses and I had my body back. I was so happy in my dream. Then I woke up to myself feeling my hipbones. I was lying in such a way that my hip bones were sticking out (ha, I must have been almost at an angle of something) The tv was on and it was a info-commerical for some weight loss system. Then I switched the channel and it was a commercial for a workout. Switched channels and another info-commerical for some garment that slims you by X inches. That’s why I am up writing to you my new found friend (see how we can get along when it’s not either of our fault?).
Seriously, I’m just giddy because I lost X lbs already since I’ve taken my new med. I’m trying to treat you better also my friend. I quit all the stupid nonsense about smoking. Long story there but decided that XXX (my daughter) deserved me to not dabble in the nicotine dept. I’m not a hypocrite any longer with the smoking. I didn’t mean to do that to you and harm you. I just got my addictive crap going. I feel like it’s all back under control again. Whew.
I’m going to be starting a detox cleansing thing this week. Does that sound a little eating disordered? I don’t think so. I am ready to detox my body/colon and start my body down the detoxed road. I plan to start it this week sometime. Just making sure it doesn’t mix wrong with my medications. I’ll explain more later on this week and blog about it. I’ve always wanted to fully try a detox colon cleanse so I’m excited to do it. I don’t feel it’s ed running the show. It’s me running the show. Which doesn’t always mean that it’s the right thing to do. But It’s not ed telling me to do it. I am hoping that it helps with the weight department a little. We’ll have to see, won’t we?
Well body, I shall write to you my friend soon. I’ll try to knock off the false friendship attitude, although I do feel better about you knowing it’s not you betraying me with gaining weight. I just want to get back down to normal. Yes, really normal, not eating disordered normal. I think I can do it this time.
Until later,
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
Hi. Hey guess what? It’s probably neither one of us causing this weight gain…it’s the fricken medication. It’s not my thyroid, it’s the abilify. Huh…I mean, I knew that had a lot to do with it. Here’s the best part…there is actually a different med that helps counteract the weight gain. I’m on it now. It’s been deemed medically necessary by my regular doctor to do something about my weight. How shameful is that? Jeesh. Anyways, I feel and look large. And where the hell was this drug earlier and why in the hell have I spent 3 years fat? I can’t simply get off of my abilify either. It’s my maricle drug. I’m normal on it. Now, this next statement that I’m going to make comes from a person with an eating disorder BUT, I’d rather have this weight gain than go without abilify. It’s made that much of a difference in my life. So, see body, YOU and I are on the same page for once. Yeah for us. I feel like this is what we needed to finally bond. God, is that the wrong way to bond? Probably.
Uuugh. It’s only 5 in the morning. I woke up to a body dream. Yes, body, I was dreaming about you. I was dreaming that I was trying on these cool dresses and I had my body back. I was so happy in my dream. Then I woke up to myself feeling my hipbones. I was lying in such a way that my hip bones were sticking out (ha, I must have been almost at an angle of something) The tv was on and it was a info-commerical for some weight loss system. Then I switched the channel and it was a commercial for a workout. Switched channels and another info-commerical for some garment that slims you by X inches. That’s why I am up writing to you my new found friend (see how we can get along when it’s not either of our fault?).
Seriously, I’m just giddy because I lost X lbs already since I’ve taken my new med. I’m trying to treat you better also my friend. I quit all the stupid nonsense about smoking. Long story there but decided that XXX (my daughter) deserved me to not dabble in the nicotine dept. I’m not a hypocrite any longer with the smoking. I didn’t mean to do that to you and harm you. I just got my addictive crap going. I feel like it’s all back under control again. Whew.
I’m going to be starting a detox cleansing thing this week. Does that sound a little eating disordered? I don’t think so. I am ready to detox my body/colon and start my body down the detoxed road. I plan to start it this week sometime. Just making sure it doesn’t mix wrong with my medications. I’ll explain more later on this week and blog about it. I’ve always wanted to fully try a detox colon cleanse so I’m excited to do it. I don’t feel it’s ed running the show. It’s me running the show. Which doesn’t always mean that it’s the right thing to do. But It’s not ed telling me to do it. I am hoping that it helps with the weight department a little. We’ll have to see, won’t we?
Well body, I shall write to you my friend soon. I’ll try to knock off the false friendship attitude, although I do feel better about you knowing it’s not you betraying me with gaining weight. I just want to get back down to normal. Yes, really normal, not eating disordered normal. I think I can do it this time.
Until later,
Love, XXX
September 24, 2010
9.23.10
Dear Body,
Again, it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I don’t even know where I left off. Did I mention that I was drinking and smoking? Not a lot. I don’t feel that I’ve been too excessive over it and have talked it out with many therapists and people about my “using” streak that I am on. I’m really not over concerned about it but I’m also not dumb and know the risks that I am taking. I went almost 9 yrs without drinking and 8 years without smoking. I'm still scratching my head at that. Now, the food part on the other hand is back under control and has been for awhile. BUT how can that be when I went and weighed myself a few weeks back and found out that I’ve gained XX lbs this summer. So, I had to get honest and look at my eating. Now, I’m eating actually pretty well. Very slight restriction and/or slight over eating, no binging but yet I gained so much weight. I made an appointment to see my family physician because I first need to rule out my hypothyroidism. Which I haven’t gotten back the tests yet. However, the fact that I’m on Abilify and have had a steady increase of weight points to that too. Let’s not throw in the eating disorder part. It’s all fucked. But I’m ruling out the thyroid problem and thankfully today I went back to my psychiatrist to let him know the situation. He thinks it’s also the Ablify too and thankfully prescribed me something else that counteracts the weight gain. HELLO…why have I been living with this extra weight on me if there was something they could give me a long time ago. Granted they don’t give out this stuff to eating disordered patients very easily but as my family doctor stated, this is becoming medically necessary because I had high blood pressure and last time I went in I had borderline high cholesterol. Basically I’m a walking time bomb. I’m not bitter about me finally getting on this though because what I’ve endured with my weight these last 3 yrs have been a weird blessing in disguise. I haven’t been able to lose weight and there for quit working on the inner things that mean more to me than what looking on the outside is like. I think if I would of lost the weight I still would be struggling with these inner demons. Regardless, I am happy now that I’m on this new med now and have this fake false hope that all will be fine.
I borrowed a friend’s food plan. I wanted to compare her food plan to my plans that my nutritionist had given me and hers was considerably less. So of course, I am using hers. I tweaked it a bit to fit my foods that I like such as protein in the morning vs. a grain. Even being okay with combining my breakfast and lunch intro brunch. For some reason NOW I feel like I can follow a food plan where the last year I have struggled with the business of doing so. Don’t ask me why…but just like that, this makes sense to me again. I get tired of the past food plans because it’s always too overwhelming because it feels like too much. Let’s just put it this way, her plan was better than mine and seems doable, so that’s what I’m trying to do. Yesterday was a success at following it but I still woke up in the middle of the night a few times and ate (but counted the exchanges because I was short during the day). I have to work at getting my plan right and eating everything on it and trusting that I can lose weight on this. It worked for my friend…so of course, it’s gotta work for me, right;) ? Anyways, I have to follow this to rule out the part of me doing what I can here. If it’s the thyroid then the doctors will have to adjust the meds and my psychiatrist already adjusted my new med and then my part is to follow my food plan.
Sorry for babbling on…I’m trying to figure this all out as I go along and right now this seems doable and hopeful and although I’ve been avoiding you body because I’m disgusted at my weight, therefore I am disgusted at you and it makes me sad. It’s like I haven’t visited my new friend in a long time. I’m waiting for you to respond to me because you haven’t wanted to for many months now. I haven’t treated you very well again and I am sorry. Mentally, I’ve been a lot nicer to you than I have in the past and I hope you can recognize that. I haven’t beaten myself up over you too much and still working on trying to accept you. Maybe you can write me a letter once the doctor gets back to me about my thyroid, blood pressure, cholesterol and overall blood work. You know more than I do at this point….maybe that’s why you aren’t talking to me. Sorry for ignoring you again and not physically treating you the way I should. I’m trying though. I’m really trying. We’ll get this figured out. I’m hopeful for once.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
Again, it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I don’t even know where I left off. Did I mention that I was drinking and smoking? Not a lot. I don’t feel that I’ve been too excessive over it and have talked it out with many therapists and people about my “using” streak that I am on. I’m really not over concerned about it but I’m also not dumb and know the risks that I am taking. I went almost 9 yrs without drinking and 8 years without smoking. I'm still scratching my head at that. Now, the food part on the other hand is back under control and has been for awhile. BUT how can that be when I went and weighed myself a few weeks back and found out that I’ve gained XX lbs this summer. So, I had to get honest and look at my eating. Now, I’m eating actually pretty well. Very slight restriction and/or slight over eating, no binging but yet I gained so much weight. I made an appointment to see my family physician because I first need to rule out my hypothyroidism. Which I haven’t gotten back the tests yet. However, the fact that I’m on Abilify and have had a steady increase of weight points to that too. Let’s not throw in the eating disorder part. It’s all fucked. But I’m ruling out the thyroid problem and thankfully today I went back to my psychiatrist to let him know the situation. He thinks it’s also the Ablify too and thankfully prescribed me something else that counteracts the weight gain. HELLO…why have I been living with this extra weight on me if there was something they could give me a long time ago. Granted they don’t give out this stuff to eating disordered patients very easily but as my family doctor stated, this is becoming medically necessary because I had high blood pressure and last time I went in I had borderline high cholesterol. Basically I’m a walking time bomb. I’m not bitter about me finally getting on this though because what I’ve endured with my weight these last 3 yrs have been a weird blessing in disguise. I haven’t been able to lose weight and there for quit working on the inner things that mean more to me than what looking on the outside is like. I think if I would of lost the weight I still would be struggling with these inner demons. Regardless, I am happy now that I’m on this new med now and have this fake false hope that all will be fine.
I borrowed a friend’s food plan. I wanted to compare her food plan to my plans that my nutritionist had given me and hers was considerably less. So of course, I am using hers. I tweaked it a bit to fit my foods that I like such as protein in the morning vs. a grain. Even being okay with combining my breakfast and lunch intro brunch. For some reason NOW I feel like I can follow a food plan where the last year I have struggled with the business of doing so. Don’t ask me why…but just like that, this makes sense to me again. I get tired of the past food plans because it’s always too overwhelming because it feels like too much. Let’s just put it this way, her plan was better than mine and seems doable, so that’s what I’m trying to do. Yesterday was a success at following it but I still woke up in the middle of the night a few times and ate (but counted the exchanges because I was short during the day). I have to work at getting my plan right and eating everything on it and trusting that I can lose weight on this. It worked for my friend…so of course, it’s gotta work for me, right;) ? Anyways, I have to follow this to rule out the part of me doing what I can here. If it’s the thyroid then the doctors will have to adjust the meds and my psychiatrist already adjusted my new med and then my part is to follow my food plan.
Sorry for babbling on…I’m trying to figure this all out as I go along and right now this seems doable and hopeful and although I’ve been avoiding you body because I’m disgusted at my weight, therefore I am disgusted at you and it makes me sad. It’s like I haven’t visited my new friend in a long time. I’m waiting for you to respond to me because you haven’t wanted to for many months now. I haven’t treated you very well again and I am sorry. Mentally, I’ve been a lot nicer to you than I have in the past and I hope you can recognize that. I haven’t beaten myself up over you too much and still working on trying to accept you. Maybe you can write me a letter once the doctor gets back to me about my thyroid, blood pressure, cholesterol and overall blood work. You know more than I do at this point….maybe that’s why you aren’t talking to me. Sorry for ignoring you again and not physically treating you the way I should. I’m trying though. I’m really trying. We’ll get this figured out. I’m hopeful for once.
Love, XXX
September 12, 2010
Dear Body,
I feel like this is a very important letter to you. Okay….first of all, I have gained XX of lbs this summer. I’m pissed. I don’t know if this is YOU or me. I see I’m still separating us. Which for now is fine again. I’m a little scared because is it diabetes? Is my thyroid all gone (I have hypothyroidism)? Is the metabolism even worse than when I got tested (was poor). What the fuck? I’m actually more scared of my health than my weight now because this weight gain is a lot….in a little bit. We aren’t talking “normal” weight gain either. I know when you are sick you lose a lot of weight really quick but what about gaining a lot of weight really quick? Something is wrong. There is NO way that I eat that much. I’m really freaked that it’s not going to quit. Quit gaining that is. Too much anxiety that goes with that thought. If it’s me who’s eating too much (this is impossible to gain this much weight in this short period of time) then let me know that. If it’s YOU, let me know that. I overeat now and then, but this is ridiculous. I guess you know by now that I weighed myself. I haven’t seen these numbers since I was pregnant. Yes, that crossed my mind too. Unless I’m one of those people that have been getting their period, yet preggers, then something is medically wrong.
I went to go visit an old house mate from my inpatient treatment tonight. She’s back in. This time in a more hospital setting. It wasn’t really eye opening for me, except for her talk about the 9 yr old in there having treatment and which hit me. Sad. Anyways, the talk that I had with her WAS eye opening for me, probably to myself more than her. I told her that I told my therapist that I’m so afraid of gaining weight that I’d rather stay where I am now than be low and regain some weight. That terrifies me so much. That I really want to lose weight but I am not willing to do it in the manner that I have in the past. That I reminisce about the good ole’ days but they really weren’t that good. That I don’t want to go down that road for the 100th time. That I don’t want to land back in inpatient because I’m not willing to put my daughter nor husband through the trauma of it. That I am tired of the game of it all. I think I’m done. Really. I toy with the idea of using symptoms and being very thin and using symptoms and having to gain the weight and using symptoms and crashing and burning and going into treatment every 1 ½ yrs and having a “episode” of my borderline personality disorder crap which gets triggered by the weight. I’m so done. This time it is much deeper than previous. Even though I am soooo miserable by my weight, I don’t want to take the short cut and end up in the same place I’ve been. This is a hard lesson that I’m learning and I guess I gotta go through it no matter how hard of a deal it is. Damn. I’ll get my weight down again to a NORMAL weight for my height again. It’s me not giving up. Oh yes, I told my friend tonight which was very eye opening that when I’ve been at my thinnest, I was more embarssed than I am now (at my heaviest). I have to ponder that thought and sit on it for awhile and let it soak in because there’s some healing in those words/thoughts. I’m trying to be truthful and I was while talking to my friend tonight. But I think I have a little further to go with truthfulness. I just feel like I’m numbing some stuff out. Man, I need to do a 4th step. I’m helping with a step study in October and feel like it will give me some help in my being honest and cleaning up abit.
You know….I was talking to my twin sister about stuff (recovery without actually talking about recovery) and she said, “maybe you need to get away from ED people” because it’s my life. I need to tell her that maybe she needs to get away from her tri(athalon) people because it’s HER life. I haven’t said it but that’s my response. I could go on about that but it’s too much energy for me. She doesn’t understand but if I put it in her words, she would. I just haven’t gotten there with saying it. In time it’ll happen. I just don’t have the energy to put it out there. That’s okay…it’ll happen as it happens.
Anyways BODY, please don’t betray me and have me go through something healthwise that I don’t need to go through. If it’s me…let it be known. I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday and I’m sure I’ll be writing about it. I’m not ready to get weighed in front of others (nurse) or for my doctor to say to me again “have you ever tried to lose weight” OR “YOU have an eating disorder?”. It makes me want to cry with what they are going to say. I fear that MORE than I fear the result of my tests. At least they’ll test for everything because I’ll tell them I’ve gained XX pounds during this summer. Fucking weight. I don’t feel like getting mad at you even if you’re putting me through some health scare. It’s probably not your fault. It’s probably me. I feel like it’s me but I can’t tell what I really feel or what it really is because I feel innocent in the situation to a point. Maybe some of it’s me, but not THIS much. Okay. I’ll quit worrying about Tuesday and the doc. Appointment. For tonight anyways.
Love, XXX
I feel like this is a very important letter to you. Okay….first of all, I have gained XX of lbs this summer. I’m pissed. I don’t know if this is YOU or me. I see I’m still separating us. Which for now is fine again. I’m a little scared because is it diabetes? Is my thyroid all gone (I have hypothyroidism)? Is the metabolism even worse than when I got tested (was poor). What the fuck? I’m actually more scared of my health than my weight now because this weight gain is a lot….in a little bit. We aren’t talking “normal” weight gain either. I know when you are sick you lose a lot of weight really quick but what about gaining a lot of weight really quick? Something is wrong. There is NO way that I eat that much. I’m really freaked that it’s not going to quit. Quit gaining that is. Too much anxiety that goes with that thought. If it’s me who’s eating too much (this is impossible to gain this much weight in this short period of time) then let me know that. If it’s YOU, let me know that. I overeat now and then, but this is ridiculous. I guess you know by now that I weighed myself. I haven’t seen these numbers since I was pregnant. Yes, that crossed my mind too. Unless I’m one of those people that have been getting their period, yet preggers, then something is medically wrong.
I went to go visit an old house mate from my inpatient treatment tonight. She’s back in. This time in a more hospital setting. It wasn’t really eye opening for me, except for her talk about the 9 yr old in there having treatment and which hit me. Sad. Anyways, the talk that I had with her WAS eye opening for me, probably to myself more than her. I told her that I told my therapist that I’m so afraid of gaining weight that I’d rather stay where I am now than be low and regain some weight. That terrifies me so much. That I really want to lose weight but I am not willing to do it in the manner that I have in the past. That I reminisce about the good ole’ days but they really weren’t that good. That I don’t want to go down that road for the 100th time. That I don’t want to land back in inpatient because I’m not willing to put my daughter nor husband through the trauma of it. That I am tired of the game of it all. I think I’m done. Really. I toy with the idea of using symptoms and being very thin and using symptoms and having to gain the weight and using symptoms and crashing and burning and going into treatment every 1 ½ yrs and having a “episode” of my borderline personality disorder crap which gets triggered by the weight. I’m so done. This time it is much deeper than previous. Even though I am soooo miserable by my weight, I don’t want to take the short cut and end up in the same place I’ve been. This is a hard lesson that I’m learning and I guess I gotta go through it no matter how hard of a deal it is. Damn. I’ll get my weight down again to a NORMAL weight for my height again. It’s me not giving up. Oh yes, I told my friend tonight which was very eye opening that when I’ve been at my thinnest, I was more embarssed than I am now (at my heaviest). I have to ponder that thought and sit on it for awhile and let it soak in because there’s some healing in those words/thoughts. I’m trying to be truthful and I was while talking to my friend tonight. But I think I have a little further to go with truthfulness. I just feel like I’m numbing some stuff out. Man, I need to do a 4th step. I’m helping with a step study in October and feel like it will give me some help in my being honest and cleaning up abit.
You know….I was talking to my twin sister about stuff (recovery without actually talking about recovery) and she said, “maybe you need to get away from ED people” because it’s my life. I need to tell her that maybe she needs to get away from her tri(athalon) people because it’s HER life. I haven’t said it but that’s my response. I could go on about that but it’s too much energy for me. She doesn’t understand but if I put it in her words, she would. I just haven’t gotten there with saying it. In time it’ll happen. I just don’t have the energy to put it out there. That’s okay…it’ll happen as it happens.
Anyways BODY, please don’t betray me and have me go through something healthwise that I don’t need to go through. If it’s me…let it be known. I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday and I’m sure I’ll be writing about it. I’m not ready to get weighed in front of others (nurse) or for my doctor to say to me again “have you ever tried to lose weight” OR “YOU have an eating disorder?”. It makes me want to cry with what they are going to say. I fear that MORE than I fear the result of my tests. At least they’ll test for everything because I’ll tell them I’ve gained XX pounds during this summer. Fucking weight. I don’t feel like getting mad at you even if you’re putting me through some health scare. It’s probably not your fault. It’s probably me. I feel like it’s me but I can’t tell what I really feel or what it really is because I feel innocent in the situation to a point. Maybe some of it’s me, but not THIS much. Okay. I’ll quit worrying about Tuesday and the doc. Appointment. For tonight anyways.
Love, XXX
September 7, 2010
Dear Body
9.6.10
Dear Body,
I came to a realization tonight. I am not angry. That’s how I use to lose weight…by getting angry. I don’t know how to lose weight without being pissed off. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been these last 3 yrs and ironically I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve been in the last 3 years. I just finally put 2 and 2 together. When I’m angry, I can lose because I restrict. I’m too mad to eat. I’ve always been like that. That part I know. But tonight I just thought “how can I get this weight off of me” and I thought, “get mad”. But the thing is, I don’t have the energy in me anymore to get that mad. Maybe because I’m not that mad. I am not angry anymore. I am actually happy. Well, except for my weight.
I’ve been back in the ignoring stage with you. Sorry. I can’t get myself to face you because I don’t like how you look. God, isn’t that the meanest thing I have ever said? That is exactly how I don’t want to be. I don’t like that within me. I’m not someone who does that to other people, so why do I do it to myself? I’m sorry that I’ve been mean to you in that way.
I kind of knew this, but for some reason it’s really clear to me. I am totally separated from you. You are your own identity. I talked to this with my therapist. I told him that my “body” has a identity. Actually, just like ED, you are a male. Don’t ask me why. But when I think of you, my body, I give you the male persona. Don’t mistake that that I think I’m male in anyway. I’m all girl….but my persona for you is male. Maybe I need to change perspective and look at you female. I realize this all sounds wacky, but it’s true. I don’t think I can even say this to my husband. He’d think I was nuts (probably more than he does anyway). This morning I did ask him if he ever has separated his body from himself. He looked at me like I was crazy and then said, “no, not once.”
Perhaps if I looked at you as female, I would think of you in a softer, genteler way. Maybe I can start making us one if you were female. Ha, considering I AM female, I should look at you in a female way. Then we can maybe become friends, which is what I want. Shall I give you a name? Does that sound too crazy? I don’t know..but I do know that this has something to do with keeping separated from you and I don’t want to be separate any longer. I want us to be one. How it should be. I guess that’s how it should be, I am guessing because we’ve never been one in the past nor in my entire life.
All these months from not writing to you I have only periodically thought of you. It’s just too hard to think of you and look at you because you are too heavy. It doesn’t mean I hate you though. I’m over the hating you part since last year or so. Again, ironically because I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I just need to do more work with you and get us on the same page. We did well for awhile and then I don’t know what happened. I’m ready to start working with you again though. I kind of miss you. It was really starting to work for me when I was regularly talking to you. I just have to keep my relationship up with you and keep trying to mend it and repair what I can.
My daughter starts school on Wed. I’m excited for her. I decided that when she goes off to kindergarten each day that I will go to the gym. I have always felt much better physically as well as mentally when I am regularly exercising and am excited to start on my new workout plan. This is also the longest I have ever gone without working out in my lifetime. Barely this summer have I done my regular walking/gym work that I have always done in the past. I want to take care of you physically and keep you in good health. I’m done some stupid things to you in the past few months and it’s just not right to treat you that way. I need to get you to start moving again and start feeling strong. I miss feeling strong. It’s been a few years since I’ve felt strong. I’ve felt thin many times but it’s been many years since I’ve felt strong. I’m going to start lifting weights a bit too to keep up my muscles. The last time my weight was low I am sure most of my muscles deteriorated along with my weight. I have so far to go to get my muscles back in shape. But what the heck…I’m ready for this change. It’s not about the weight loss (okay, of course my hope is the extra weight will come off) but it’s about getting strong and getting healthy. Things are going to work out…it’ll be okay. I think things are going to be okay if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It’s time for me to reconnect with you. The girl “you”. I’m tempted to give you a name but I feel too silly doing that. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll end up doing it. I guess when I’m thinking of you as a male I think of my past and the males I know/knew and how I got treated. Currently my husband is the only person in my life that has been kind to me regardless of the weight and loves me for who I am despite all my flaws. He’s committed to me for life and he just sees me differently than any other guy has seen me. Maybe he sees the real me and not me plus my body. Maybe that’s how I got to separate myself from you in the first place. Not totally true because I remember being separated from you since I was a little girl, but it defiantly shaped my last 20 years with you. Sorry for that. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t have the empowerment within to tell these male influences in my life to FUCK off and that I was fine the way I was. Things were different back then and I just didn’t have the power inside of me to think that maybe I was more than just how my body was. Which by the way, back then just perfectly fine.
Well, I could go on and on about how it WAS but I’m more interested in what I’m going to do now to change this. I believe it’s empowering that I want to change and that feels good. I think I have it in me to start believing new thoughts about you, my body. I am just so bombarded by the past and how it’s been between you and I from my perspective. You know…I NEED to think of you as a woman because it’s the only way I can for sure get rid of past messages from guys. If you are me, then you are a woman. And you look at me through a woman’s eyes, not a males eyes. Oh…I’m not male bashing by the way but most of the men I knew placed appearance before everything. In fact even my own mother seemed to. I really learned that I had to look a certain way to be loved. From my mother to an x husband, I was only worthy of their love when I looked how they wanted me to. How could I of won? I couldn’t…You as my body became my worst enemy. I learned to hate you because it was you who made those I loved not like me. This is just the tip of the iceberg….what’s underneath this all? This is one of those A-ha moments in therapy.
Time to go,
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
I came to a realization tonight. I am not angry. That’s how I use to lose weight…by getting angry. I don’t know how to lose weight without being pissed off. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been these last 3 yrs and ironically I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve been in the last 3 years. I just finally put 2 and 2 together. When I’m angry, I can lose because I restrict. I’m too mad to eat. I’ve always been like that. That part I know. But tonight I just thought “how can I get this weight off of me” and I thought, “get mad”. But the thing is, I don’t have the energy in me anymore to get that mad. Maybe because I’m not that mad. I am not angry anymore. I am actually happy. Well, except for my weight.
I’ve been back in the ignoring stage with you. Sorry. I can’t get myself to face you because I don’t like how you look. God, isn’t that the meanest thing I have ever said? That is exactly how I don’t want to be. I don’t like that within me. I’m not someone who does that to other people, so why do I do it to myself? I’m sorry that I’ve been mean to you in that way.
I kind of knew this, but for some reason it’s really clear to me. I am totally separated from you. You are your own identity. I talked to this with my therapist. I told him that my “body” has a identity. Actually, just like ED, you are a male. Don’t ask me why. But when I think of you, my body, I give you the male persona. Don’t mistake that that I think I’m male in anyway. I’m all girl….but my persona for you is male. Maybe I need to change perspective and look at you female. I realize this all sounds wacky, but it’s true. I don’t think I can even say this to my husband. He’d think I was nuts (probably more than he does anyway). This morning I did ask him if he ever has separated his body from himself. He looked at me like I was crazy and then said, “no, not once.”
Perhaps if I looked at you as female, I would think of you in a softer, genteler way. Maybe I can start making us one if you were female. Ha, considering I AM female, I should look at you in a female way. Then we can maybe become friends, which is what I want. Shall I give you a name? Does that sound too crazy? I don’t know..but I do know that this has something to do with keeping separated from you and I don’t want to be separate any longer. I want us to be one. How it should be. I guess that’s how it should be, I am guessing because we’ve never been one in the past nor in my entire life.
All these months from not writing to you I have only periodically thought of you. It’s just too hard to think of you and look at you because you are too heavy. It doesn’t mean I hate you though. I’m over the hating you part since last year or so. Again, ironically because I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I just need to do more work with you and get us on the same page. We did well for awhile and then I don’t know what happened. I’m ready to start working with you again though. I kind of miss you. It was really starting to work for me when I was regularly talking to you. I just have to keep my relationship up with you and keep trying to mend it and repair what I can.
My daughter starts school on Wed. I’m excited for her. I decided that when she goes off to kindergarten each day that I will go to the gym. I have always felt much better physically as well as mentally when I am regularly exercising and am excited to start on my new workout plan. This is also the longest I have ever gone without working out in my lifetime. Barely this summer have I done my regular walking/gym work that I have always done in the past. I want to take care of you physically and keep you in good health. I’m done some stupid things to you in the past few months and it’s just not right to treat you that way. I need to get you to start moving again and start feeling strong. I miss feeling strong. It’s been a few years since I’ve felt strong. I’ve felt thin many times but it’s been many years since I’ve felt strong. I’m going to start lifting weights a bit too to keep up my muscles. The last time my weight was low I am sure most of my muscles deteriorated along with my weight. I have so far to go to get my muscles back in shape. But what the heck…I’m ready for this change. It’s not about the weight loss (okay, of course my hope is the extra weight will come off) but it’s about getting strong and getting healthy. Things are going to work out…it’ll be okay. I think things are going to be okay if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It’s time for me to reconnect with you. The girl “you”. I’m tempted to give you a name but I feel too silly doing that. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll end up doing it. I guess when I’m thinking of you as a male I think of my past and the males I know/knew and how I got treated. Currently my husband is the only person in my life that has been kind to me regardless of the weight and loves me for who I am despite all my flaws. He’s committed to me for life and he just sees me differently than any other guy has seen me. Maybe he sees the real me and not me plus my body. Maybe that’s how I got to separate myself from you in the first place. Not totally true because I remember being separated from you since I was a little girl, but it defiantly shaped my last 20 years with you. Sorry for that. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t have the empowerment within to tell these male influences in my life to FUCK off and that I was fine the way I was. Things were different back then and I just didn’t have the power inside of me to think that maybe I was more than just how my body was. Which by the way, back then just perfectly fine.
Well, I could go on and on about how it WAS but I’m more interested in what I’m going to do now to change this. I believe it’s empowering that I want to change and that feels good. I think I have it in me to start believing new thoughts about you, my body. I am just so bombarded by the past and how it’s been between you and I from my perspective. You know…I NEED to think of you as a woman because it’s the only way I can for sure get rid of past messages from guys. If you are me, then you are a woman. And you look at me through a woman’s eyes, not a males eyes. Oh…I’m not male bashing by the way but most of the men I knew placed appearance before everything. In fact even my own mother seemed to. I really learned that I had to look a certain way to be loved. From my mother to an x husband, I was only worthy of their love when I looked how they wanted me to. How could I of won? I couldn’t…You as my body became my worst enemy. I learned to hate you because it was you who made those I loved not like me. This is just the tip of the iceberg….what’s underneath this all? This is one of those A-ha moments in therapy.
Time to go,
Love, XXX
August 17, 2010
Dear Body
Dear Body,
It's been so long since I've written you. I have disconnected with you again and am finding it hard to make my way back to you to do this necessary work that I need to do to have this relationship with you that I want. Don't give up on me...I still want it, but am just finding it hard to talk to you and pay attention to you in a good way. I can't and won't give up though. I will continue to keep on trying. Love, XXX
It's been so long since I've written you. I have disconnected with you again and am finding it hard to make my way back to you to do this necessary work that I need to do to have this relationship with you that I want. Don't give up on me...I still want it, but am just finding it hard to talk to you and pay attention to you in a good way. I can't and won't give up though. I will continue to keep on trying. Love, XXX
June 28, 2010
Dear Body,
Okay..so OMG, my 5 yr old has been asking her Dad if he thinks she is pretty and cute and beautiful. New questions to her from him. THEN she asked him, “Do you think my tummy is big?” and “Is it suppose to be like that.” OMG. I was 3 when I wanted to cut the fat off my stomach with a big knife. I fantasized it and entertained those thoughts. I was 3. BTW, he answered that question beautifully. Just like when I ask him those questions. I can not cope right now with this. So triggering into the depth of my soul. This is short. Just needed to get it off my chest.
Love, XXX
Okay..so OMG, my 5 yr old has been asking her Dad if he thinks she is pretty and cute and beautiful. New questions to her from him. THEN she asked him, “Do you think my tummy is big?” and “Is it suppose to be like that.” OMG. I was 3 when I wanted to cut the fat off my stomach with a big knife. I fantasized it and entertained those thoughts. I was 3. BTW, he answered that question beautifully. Just like when I ask him those questions. I can not cope right now with this. So triggering into the depth of my soul. This is short. Just needed to get it off my chest.
Love, XXX
June 23, 2010
Dear Body,
Now I get it…I’m in a mid life crisis. I just told Steve that I want to get my tubes tide. I don’t know so much that I thought about his thoughts on this, but I definitely thought that I was being a responsible adult woman. Approximately, a 41 year old woman whose thoughts were on the lines of her husband and not wanting any more children. I mean, if it were up to me….I might. Maybe. Not 100% sure that I’m done. BUT if he was sure he was done, then I’d be done. But he didn’t seem so sure tonight after I told him that I’d want my tubes tide. Damn . He said he didn’t and he’s such a solid guy that I took his word for it. Now I am confused. I am afraid. Afraid that if I were to have another baby that he’d be afraid of my mental health. Hell, who am I to say that I ‘m not afraid of that. I am. So afraid. So very afraid. But then again, do I want more at this age? Again….if he does and wants them very bad then I would for him. Yes, I’d have a child for him. I would go through it all again to have a child if that’s what he wanted. But he’d want it enough to put up with the aftermath. It would be rough. The hormones, the weight, the feelings, the sleep deprivation, the sacrifice. I have the horror still of slumping against the baby’s floor’s room saying that I “can’t do this anymore. And him not responding to my needs. I needed him to take over when I couldn’t. He didn’t and I tried to hire someone to do that. I needed someone between the hours of 12-3 am and he couldn’t commit. So unlike him. Well, not committing isn’t totally unlike him. He married me. He surpassed that. And he was ready to have Madison. But is he ready to have his little boy? Again, his life could be easy. I told him this when he had Ty. Damn, it’s up to him. I want what he wants and if he’s done, then I am. If he’s not, let’s do it and have a bigger family. Madison wants it. I’m not sure if I do. But if he wants it to happen then I would. Without a doubt. I would do it again for him. That’s so scary to have to go through it again. I don’t think I even need to explain myself. I didn’t realize this would cause so many tears in me. I’m in a mid life crisis. I need my sister. I need to talk to her about this. I need my girls. Any girls who’s been through this. This is a new thing and real thing that I’m going through. I need to talk. Big time. Being 41 is tough. Big decisions. You are my body and I have to consider what is best for us. I guess I’m just confused.
I am clear on what I want. But he isn’t. Maybe I’m not clear. I just don’t want a “mistake” to happen since this would be US going through it together. I don’t know body….I’m mid age. Not quite, but enough mid age that I am going through some type of mid life crisis. Oh, it would all work out if it happened but I’m just trying to be responsible. I don’t know when I’ll bring this up again to him. I don’t feel like getting more confused about something that I thought we were clear on.
I surely couldn’t handle gaining all that weight again and then having to lose it. Shit, if I can’t lose it now what would it be like getting pregnant and having to lose it? The last time I starved myself down to thinness but I think it almost killed me to get there. I don’t care to abuse you body like that. Hell, lately I’ve been abusing you in different ways so not sure how far off I am from abusing you that way again but I sure in hell am trying to not abuse you by restricting. I’ve gotten far enough in to my recovery to know that I really can’t go back to what once was. For many reasons. I’ve gone back on someother things recently and they just aren’t wise choices. I need to grow up. Really.
Body, can you help me out a little please? I need my mind in this now too. Damn, we all better work together here soon. I’m just rambling now so I need to quit talking. I’ll *try* to take care of you and take care of my mind a little better. I’ve been great at ignoring you, not writing to you, not talking to you, not being nice to you. I’ll give it another shot and try again. Soon.
Love, xxx
Now I get it…I’m in a mid life crisis. I just told Steve that I want to get my tubes tide. I don’t know so much that I thought about his thoughts on this, but I definitely thought that I was being a responsible adult woman. Approximately, a 41 year old woman whose thoughts were on the lines of her husband and not wanting any more children. I mean, if it were up to me….I might. Maybe. Not 100% sure that I’m done. BUT if he was sure he was done, then I’d be done. But he didn’t seem so sure tonight after I told him that I’d want my tubes tide. Damn . He said he didn’t and he’s such a solid guy that I took his word for it. Now I am confused. I am afraid. Afraid that if I were to have another baby that he’d be afraid of my mental health. Hell, who am I to say that I ‘m not afraid of that. I am. So afraid. So very afraid. But then again, do I want more at this age? Again….if he does and wants them very bad then I would for him. Yes, I’d have a child for him. I would go through it all again to have a child if that’s what he wanted. But he’d want it enough to put up with the aftermath. It would be rough. The hormones, the weight, the feelings, the sleep deprivation, the sacrifice. I have the horror still of slumping against the baby’s floor’s room saying that I “can’t do this anymore. And him not responding to my needs. I needed him to take over when I couldn’t. He didn’t and I tried to hire someone to do that. I needed someone between the hours of 12-3 am and he couldn’t commit. So unlike him. Well, not committing isn’t totally unlike him. He married me. He surpassed that. And he was ready to have Madison. But is he ready to have his little boy? Again, his life could be easy. I told him this when he had Ty. Damn, it’s up to him. I want what he wants and if he’s done, then I am. If he’s not, let’s do it and have a bigger family. Madison wants it. I’m not sure if I do. But if he wants it to happen then I would. Without a doubt. I would do it again for him. That’s so scary to have to go through it again. I don’t think I even need to explain myself. I didn’t realize this would cause so many tears in me. I’m in a mid life crisis. I need my sister. I need to talk to her about this. I need my girls. Any girls who’s been through this. This is a new thing and real thing that I’m going through. I need to talk. Big time. Being 41 is tough. Big decisions. You are my body and I have to consider what is best for us. I guess I’m just confused.
I am clear on what I want. But he isn’t. Maybe I’m not clear. I just don’t want a “mistake” to happen since this would be US going through it together. I don’t know body….I’m mid age. Not quite, but enough mid age that I am going through some type of mid life crisis. Oh, it would all work out if it happened but I’m just trying to be responsible. I don’t know when I’ll bring this up again to him. I don’t feel like getting more confused about something that I thought we were clear on.
I surely couldn’t handle gaining all that weight again and then having to lose it. Shit, if I can’t lose it now what would it be like getting pregnant and having to lose it? The last time I starved myself down to thinness but I think it almost killed me to get there. I don’t care to abuse you body like that. Hell, lately I’ve been abusing you in different ways so not sure how far off I am from abusing you that way again but I sure in hell am trying to not abuse you by restricting. I’ve gotten far enough in to my recovery to know that I really can’t go back to what once was. For many reasons. I’ve gone back on someother things recently and they just aren’t wise choices. I need to grow up. Really.
Body, can you help me out a little please? I need my mind in this now too. Damn, we all better work together here soon. I’m just rambling now so I need to quit talking. I’ll *try* to take care of you and take care of my mind a little better. I’ve been great at ignoring you, not writing to you, not talking to you, not being nice to you. I’ll give it another shot and try again. Soon.
Love, xxx
June 1, 2010
Dear Body
Dear Body,
It's been about a month since I've started negelecting you and giving you the silent treatment. Basically, I've been abusing you...overeating from time to time...undereating from time to time....not being mindful....complaining about you....and so much more that I don't even want to acknowledge it. It'll take me awhile to get the courage to make amends but I will because it's necessary. Just wanted you to know that you are on my mind and I will write you soon. Today I'm going to do all I can to be nice to you. I'm going to eat my meals, not criticize, not feel hopeless, TRY to exercise even. I have a therapy appointment that I'll talk about you and what's been going on and then I'll try to be honest with you. I can do this for today. I'm back in the one day at a time mentality. That is good news. I'm ready to turn it around and make the intentions that I have come true. I do love you. I've just been caught up in a few things. Later I will try to write again.
Love, XXX
It's been about a month since I've started negelecting you and giving you the silent treatment. Basically, I've been abusing you...overeating from time to time...undereating from time to time....not being mindful....complaining about you....and so much more that I don't even want to acknowledge it. It'll take me awhile to get the courage to make amends but I will because it's necessary. Just wanted you to know that you are on my mind and I will write you soon. Today I'm going to do all I can to be nice to you. I'm going to eat my meals, not criticize, not feel hopeless, TRY to exercise even. I have a therapy appointment that I'll talk about you and what's been going on and then I'll try to be honest with you. I can do this for today. I'm back in the one day at a time mentality. That is good news. I'm ready to turn it around and make the intentions that I have come true. I do love you. I've just been caught up in a few things. Later I will try to write again.
Love, XXX
April 16, 2010
4.16.10 Dear Body
4.16.10
Dear Body,
Last night I was putting groceries in the car and it was just getting dark outside. XXX was in her booster seat sitting and I caught her with her eyes tightly shut and whispering something. I let her finish and then she told me that if you say your wish really quiet it would come true. It reminded me of the last time I caught her wishing on a star and I wasted my wish on “being skinny”. I thought about that and felt so much sadness for you. There is just something about a 5 yr old wishing on a star and the belief they have that it will come true makes me tear up. It’s such a innocent time. It made me think about IF my wish were to come true also is that still what I would wish for? It’s not. I learned my lesson on how I felt the last time we encountered this. I hope you can feel some happiness that you didn’t “go” there, this time. It’s a lonely feeling knowing that wish was so selfish the last time. I hated how that felt in me.
I still separate the two of us together. You are you (the body) and I am me (myself). I just realized this and wonder if this is how other people who don’t have eating disorders view themselves. As 2 separate identities. Maybe I am just not ready enough to shove me all into one. I feel like I don’t have room. God, is that a bad thing? I don’t even know what that means. But that’s what it feels like…there is no room for both me and my body. I don’t know if it’s just a foreign concept of putting both you and me in one actual body. I don’t know if this is normal or not. I almost got a laugh out if it because for the life of me, I can’t figure out if that’s how others are with themselves. It’s like 2 total separate identities. That’s kind of scary in a psychological sort of way. Hmmmm, this is something I should talk to my therapist about. Obliviously. It sounds crazy. I am going to ask my husband tonight if he has ever viewed himself as 2 separate identities. Hey, at least I’m viewing you in a good way now. For my whole life I have separated us and now I’m trying to have a relationship with you and love you. That’s progress. Seriously, this never dawned on me that people don’t think this way maybe. Whatever….I’m going to give myself a break and not think of me being crazy. Maybe other’s think this is really weird to write my body. Oh, whatever…it’s working for me.
I just want to say that I’m glad I didn’t wish on XXX’s star about being skinny. I actually didn’t make any wish. Next time we see a star, I’ll make a loving wish to you…I promise.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
Last night I was putting groceries in the car and it was just getting dark outside. XXX was in her booster seat sitting and I caught her with her eyes tightly shut and whispering something. I let her finish and then she told me that if you say your wish really quiet it would come true. It reminded me of the last time I caught her wishing on a star and I wasted my wish on “being skinny”. I thought about that and felt so much sadness for you. There is just something about a 5 yr old wishing on a star and the belief they have that it will come true makes me tear up. It’s such a innocent time. It made me think about IF my wish were to come true also is that still what I would wish for? It’s not. I learned my lesson on how I felt the last time we encountered this. I hope you can feel some happiness that you didn’t “go” there, this time. It’s a lonely feeling knowing that wish was so selfish the last time. I hated how that felt in me.
I still separate the two of us together. You are you (the body) and I am me (myself). I just realized this and wonder if this is how other people who don’t have eating disorders view themselves. As 2 separate identities. Maybe I am just not ready enough to shove me all into one. I feel like I don’t have room. God, is that a bad thing? I don’t even know what that means. But that’s what it feels like…there is no room for both me and my body. I don’t know if it’s just a foreign concept of putting both you and me in one actual body. I don’t know if this is normal or not. I almost got a laugh out if it because for the life of me, I can’t figure out if that’s how others are with themselves. It’s like 2 total separate identities. That’s kind of scary in a psychological sort of way. Hmmmm, this is something I should talk to my therapist about. Obliviously. It sounds crazy. I am going to ask my husband tonight if he has ever viewed himself as 2 separate identities. Hey, at least I’m viewing you in a good way now. For my whole life I have separated us and now I’m trying to have a relationship with you and love you. That’s progress. Seriously, this never dawned on me that people don’t think this way maybe. Whatever….I’m going to give myself a break and not think of me being crazy. Maybe other’s think this is really weird to write my body. Oh, whatever…it’s working for me.
I just want to say that I’m glad I didn’t wish on XXX’s star about being skinny. I actually didn’t make any wish. Next time we see a star, I’ll make a loving wish to you…I promise.
Love, XXX
April 14, 2010
April 12, 2010
4.11.10
Dear Body,
I just came across a great blog/article (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/04/what-makes-you-feel-beautiful/) titled “What makes me feel beautiful?”. What a great blog…came at a good time for me. I’ve been weight obsessed this last week and it’s been especially bad this these last few days. I still do not know what I weigh. I can’t even really guess. I’m trying to pretend that it doesn’t matter. But sadly, it still does. I’ve been going back and forth on if I should weigh myself. I SWEAR, I’ve HAD to of lost weight….I’ve been following my food plan for quite some time now with only the occasional binge (if even that) and quite frankly, there is no way that I couldn’t of NOT lost weight. Except that my pants don’t fit. I had to clean out my closets again and tried on pairs of pants that just don’t fit. I put those away. Damn it. I wanted them to fit. I figured they *should* fit because if I do the math correctly, I should of lost XX lbs by now. Anyways, the pants don’t fit. Damn it. I’ve definitely going through the grievance stages of not being able to lose weight. First the anger, then the sadness, then the bargaining. They say, don’t weigh yourself….let your pants tell you by their tightness or looseness. Or is that a made up rule that I have made up myself. I don’t know anymore.
Well, I haven’t weighed and after reading this article, I don’t know if I am going to now. I can focus on what makes me feel beautiful (other than weight loss). Reading through these writers stories I got quite emotional. The truth is, I know I have felt beautiful before. Actually, many times but just few and far in between. But the thing is I really can’t remember when or how it became that I felt that way. If I can focus in on those times, I can unlock a treasure in my self-worth. I know, know, know that feeling beautiful is not about being skinny. Don’t get me wrong…I still long to be a size X or weigh XXX but I’ve know for a long time that beauty is not a size. They taught me this in therapy and at one time I didn’t believe it. But fast forward this many years and I not only believe it, I am trying to DO it. It, meaning uncovering the lies and getting to the truth. This is one of the truths that I believe in. And I’m excited….I know the feeling of being beautiful is something I’ve felt before. The only time I can think of radiating “my glow” is about 2 months ago when my husband looked at me and said, “when you are truly happy, you are beautiful”. I felt the happiness and it felt good. I also at the time was getting good sleep and eating well and living a honest life. Not to say that I’m not living a honest life right now, I am…but I am not sleeping all that well. I’m not balanced in this area of my life right now. I have to push myself to get there…balance is hard work. Recovery is hard work.
There is a common theme to these stories. Most of the women seem to be past the age of 40. And a few said about turning 40 and everything changing. Maybe that is what is happening to me right now. As one of the women stated…”at 40 the love finally had to go deeper.” No kidding. That’s what I’m searching for and working so hard in recovery for. Going deeper. I just realized one more time when I *can* feel beautiful…that’s when I’m in active recovery. I honestly feel like a whole person while I’m working it. It’s true…it works when you work it, it really does. Recovery makes me beautiful. Wow…sounds like a bumper sticker.
Hmmm, last night I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to weigh to *see* how I measured up. I don’t feel that need right now. I just had to dig a little deeper. Whew.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
I just came across a great blog/article (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/04/what-makes-you-feel-beautiful/) titled “What makes me feel beautiful?”. What a great blog…came at a good time for me. I’ve been weight obsessed this last week and it’s been especially bad this these last few days. I still do not know what I weigh. I can’t even really guess. I’m trying to pretend that it doesn’t matter. But sadly, it still does. I’ve been going back and forth on if I should weigh myself. I SWEAR, I’ve HAD to of lost weight….I’ve been following my food plan for quite some time now with only the occasional binge (if even that) and quite frankly, there is no way that I couldn’t of NOT lost weight. Except that my pants don’t fit. I had to clean out my closets again and tried on pairs of pants that just don’t fit. I put those away. Damn it. I wanted them to fit. I figured they *should* fit because if I do the math correctly, I should of lost XX lbs by now. Anyways, the pants don’t fit. Damn it. I’ve definitely going through the grievance stages of not being able to lose weight. First the anger, then the sadness, then the bargaining. They say, don’t weigh yourself….let your pants tell you by their tightness or looseness. Or is that a made up rule that I have made up myself. I don’t know anymore.
Well, I haven’t weighed and after reading this article, I don’t know if I am going to now. I can focus on what makes me feel beautiful (other than weight loss). Reading through these writers stories I got quite emotional. The truth is, I know I have felt beautiful before. Actually, many times but just few and far in between. But the thing is I really can’t remember when or how it became that I felt that way. If I can focus in on those times, I can unlock a treasure in my self-worth. I know, know, know that feeling beautiful is not about being skinny. Don’t get me wrong…I still long to be a size X or weigh XXX but I’ve know for a long time that beauty is not a size. They taught me this in therapy and at one time I didn’t believe it. But fast forward this many years and I not only believe it, I am trying to DO it. It, meaning uncovering the lies and getting to the truth. This is one of the truths that I believe in. And I’m excited….I know the feeling of being beautiful is something I’ve felt before. The only time I can think of radiating “my glow” is about 2 months ago when my husband looked at me and said, “when you are truly happy, you are beautiful”. I felt the happiness and it felt good. I also at the time was getting good sleep and eating well and living a honest life. Not to say that I’m not living a honest life right now, I am…but I am not sleeping all that well. I’m not balanced in this area of my life right now. I have to push myself to get there…balance is hard work. Recovery is hard work.
There is a common theme to these stories. Most of the women seem to be past the age of 40. And a few said about turning 40 and everything changing. Maybe that is what is happening to me right now. As one of the women stated…”at 40 the love finally had to go deeper.” No kidding. That’s what I’m searching for and working so hard in recovery for. Going deeper. I just realized one more time when I *can* feel beautiful…that’s when I’m in active recovery. I honestly feel like a whole person while I’m working it. It’s true…it works when you work it, it really does. Recovery makes me beautiful. Wow…sounds like a bumper sticker.
Hmmm, last night I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to weigh to *see* how I measured up. I don’t feel that need right now. I just had to dig a little deeper. Whew.
Love, XXX
April 8, 2010
4.8.10
Dear Body,
I get confused when my realities overlap each other. My own body image and what I “think” I weigh is so distorted on a daily basis. The other day (as well as the prior week) I have felt something that I haven’t felt in a long time…thinness. I actually felt thin. And it felt really good. I’ve been following my tweeked food plan for maybe a few weeks now and I think I have lost some weight. However, since I haven’t weighed myself in close to 2 month, I don’t know exactly what I weigh. I just *feel* like I have lost weight. More than that, I liked how I have woken up each morning not wondering “what did I do last night” just like I did when I drank many years ago. That feeling of just knowing that what I did the previous day feels affirming and concrete. Stable even. That’s saying a lot that I felt stable. But then the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and binged. I don’t remember all that much about it but that uneasy feeling took over my body when my husband stated, “looks like you had a bad night last night”. THEN, I felt fat. I felt like there was at least a XX lb. difference, for real. This was not exaggerating, this felt like the truth. It confused me. How can I believe what I weigh one day in my mind and then believe the next day I can weight something totally different. It feels so real. I told my husband that and he said, “at least you recognize that now”. It is totally confusing to me because it’s so real to me but it makes no sense at all! It’s always been like this. This is no different today than it was XX yrs ago. I can’t trust myself when it comes to my own body image. Who do I trust? My husband who loves my body at any size? That would certainly bring peace to my mind. Peace, which is my goal everyday. Do I believe the people that tell me that I look just fine? I suppose I can try. Hmmmm, that is something to think about. I know it’s not me who I can trust…do I dare trust other people? Actually believe and trust other people? I don’t know. I am open to trying but I don’t know if I can trust that people will tell me the truth. I feel myself feeling like a 12 yr old right now wanting to run and hide. That tells me it’s my eating disorder chiming in. Whenever I act like a 12 yr old, my ED is always running the show. I know, know, know this and trust myself enough to stop thinking about whether or not to trust people. Oh, I still need to listen to others but I need to use that information and take what I can use and leave the rest. Back in the grey area of thinking with balance….See, as long as I stay in the grey area of anything, it’s good. I’m trying to find balance, find the truth to myself without lying or manipulating it. Sorry for the ramble…it’s just been awhile since I’ve written to you.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
I get confused when my realities overlap each other. My own body image and what I “think” I weigh is so distorted on a daily basis. The other day (as well as the prior week) I have felt something that I haven’t felt in a long time…thinness. I actually felt thin. And it felt really good. I’ve been following my tweeked food plan for maybe a few weeks now and I think I have lost some weight. However, since I haven’t weighed myself in close to 2 month, I don’t know exactly what I weigh. I just *feel* like I have lost weight. More than that, I liked how I have woken up each morning not wondering “what did I do last night” just like I did when I drank many years ago. That feeling of just knowing that what I did the previous day feels affirming and concrete. Stable even. That’s saying a lot that I felt stable. But then the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and binged. I don’t remember all that much about it but that uneasy feeling took over my body when my husband stated, “looks like you had a bad night last night”. THEN, I felt fat. I felt like there was at least a XX lb. difference, for real. This was not exaggerating, this felt like the truth. It confused me. How can I believe what I weigh one day in my mind and then believe the next day I can weight something totally different. It feels so real. I told my husband that and he said, “at least you recognize that now”. It is totally confusing to me because it’s so real to me but it makes no sense at all! It’s always been like this. This is no different today than it was XX yrs ago. I can’t trust myself when it comes to my own body image. Who do I trust? My husband who loves my body at any size? That would certainly bring peace to my mind. Peace, which is my goal everyday. Do I believe the people that tell me that I look just fine? I suppose I can try. Hmmmm, that is something to think about. I know it’s not me who I can trust…do I dare trust other people? Actually believe and trust other people? I don’t know. I am open to trying but I don’t know if I can trust that people will tell me the truth. I feel myself feeling like a 12 yr old right now wanting to run and hide. That tells me it’s my eating disorder chiming in. Whenever I act like a 12 yr old, my ED is always running the show. I know, know, know this and trust myself enough to stop thinking about whether or not to trust people. Oh, I still need to listen to others but I need to use that information and take what I can use and leave the rest. Back in the grey area of thinking with balance….See, as long as I stay in the grey area of anything, it’s good. I’m trying to find balance, find the truth to myself without lying or manipulating it. Sorry for the ramble…it’s just been awhile since I’ve written to you.
Love, XXX
March 25, 2010
3.26.10 Dear Body
Dear Body,
I guess I don’t know what to say. I see the chart…I pretty much know what all my “numbers” have been but it’s different seeing it in print. It’s a tad chaotic. Probably much like my life has been or my emotions have been most of my life. I see that my high numbers are all when really bad things were happening (breakup of a boyfriend, divorce, death, etc.). Something interesting, all though I suspected it…when I went into the psychward for my “breakdown” or whatever you want to call it. I guess my therapist and I call it an “episode”. I am borderline personality disorder, so I guess it was related to that? I am not really sure. But it rates right up there with the rest of the high weights when bad stuff happened to me. Perhaps my way of protecting myself…certainly numbing myself with food. And the low weights…well, it was usually after a breakup with a boyfriend or AFTER drama was created. Again…a way to numb myself and make myself feel important by being at a low weight.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to think about this. I don’t think it’s normal, that’s for sure. I am suppose to bring in “our” weight chart to my therapist. I think he wants to see what my happy medium weight is. I guess I already know…the medium on the charts show between xxx-xxx. Yep, I knew this already. I guess I never wanted to admit it out loud so I can try to be lower. Funny when I am so far away from that number(s) to think I think it’s too high. My mature way of thinking (laugh if you will) is that is where my weight should be anyways. I can be honest at least and say that I don’t long to be THAT thin anymore. Probably because it’s unachievable. I can achieve it for a pretty hefty price. And I’m not willing to pay that price anymore. Yeah for getting mature in my thinking, huh? Of course I couldn’t JUST do a chart..I also had to do a PowerPoint presentation. Yes, I went through all my photos and lined up what I weighed with my remembrance of my weight. Is it normal to know what you weighed at almost every point in your life? I don’t think so. But I have to ask because really, I don’t know. Boy, am I sick looking in some of those photos. Both my too thin and my too heavy…look sick both ways. I can’t believe I am going to show my therapist the fat pictures. He doesn’t remember me being neither too thin nor too fat. Duh….do you think I ever came into therapy at those times? I don’t know if he doesn’t believe me or if he thinks that I think it’s different in my mind but I’m sure he’ll be shocked. I had the stupid feeling of “wait…maybe I don’t have an eating disorder cuz I wasn’t skinny enough”. Whatever. That’s surely ED talking.
I know I owe you an apology for what I have put you through. I have more to think on it though because I really did put you through a lot. How do you apologize for such extremes? I know actions speak louder than words…..one way I can say I am sorry is to maintain a weight. Any weight. Even if it’s this higher weight. I want to maintain something. Okay, maybe NOT at this weight but at my “medium” weight….that a goal of mine now. Wow…a realistic weight goal. For the first time ever. I should be proud of myself. But there is a lot of guilt related to that. I am going to work on that guilt. I don’t know what the guilt is about. But wow…for the first time ever I really have some numbers to go by. Hell, I am almost excited. Could it be that this is not about losing the weight for the first time ever too but rather maintaining a reasonable goal that allows flexibility? This needs to go down in history. Sounds so simple to the non eating disordered person but so complex to us with eds. I can do this. Wow.
Thank you body for posting your chart and making me think on this. I know I need to give you a formal apology for abusing you the way that I have. Like I said, actions speak louder than words and maintaining a number within a few lbs for a good length of time will probably be the biggest thing I can do. I’m tired of listening to myself make promises too and not sticking with them. Wow, this really isn’t about losing weight right now. It’s about maintaining. Where ever my weight falls (I still hoping between the mediums) I want to maintain.
Do you know it’s been like 2 weeks since I’ve followed my food plan? Perhaps a little under at times, but overall I haven’t overeaten or binged or gone outside my “grey areas”….I should chart out what my grey areas are. Maybe in time. Anyways, I feel like I love you right now. That’s different too because I don’t know if I have felt that way before really. Maybe I thought I have when I’ve been really thin but never at this weight. Good stuff here. Yeah!
I guess I don’t know what to say. I see the chart…I pretty much know what all my “numbers” have been but it’s different seeing it in print. It’s a tad chaotic. Probably much like my life has been or my emotions have been most of my life. I see that my high numbers are all when really bad things were happening (breakup of a boyfriend, divorce, death, etc.). Something interesting, all though I suspected it…when I went into the psychward for my “breakdown” or whatever you want to call it. I guess my therapist and I call it an “episode”. I am borderline personality disorder, so I guess it was related to that? I am not really sure. But it rates right up there with the rest of the high weights when bad stuff happened to me. Perhaps my way of protecting myself…certainly numbing myself with food. And the low weights…well, it was usually after a breakup with a boyfriend or AFTER drama was created. Again…a way to numb myself and make myself feel important by being at a low weight.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to think about this. I don’t think it’s normal, that’s for sure. I am suppose to bring in “our” weight chart to my therapist. I think he wants to see what my happy medium weight is. I guess I already know…the medium on the charts show between xxx-xxx. Yep, I knew this already. I guess I never wanted to admit it out loud so I can try to be lower. Funny when I am so far away from that number(s) to think I think it’s too high. My mature way of thinking (laugh if you will) is that is where my weight should be anyways. I can be honest at least and say that I don’t long to be THAT thin anymore. Probably because it’s unachievable. I can achieve it for a pretty hefty price. And I’m not willing to pay that price anymore. Yeah for getting mature in my thinking, huh? Of course I couldn’t JUST do a chart..I also had to do a PowerPoint presentation. Yes, I went through all my photos and lined up what I weighed with my remembrance of my weight. Is it normal to know what you weighed at almost every point in your life? I don’t think so. But I have to ask because really, I don’t know. Boy, am I sick looking in some of those photos. Both my too thin and my too heavy…look sick both ways. I can’t believe I am going to show my therapist the fat pictures. He doesn’t remember me being neither too thin nor too fat. Duh….do you think I ever came into therapy at those times? I don’t know if he doesn’t believe me or if he thinks that I think it’s different in my mind but I’m sure he’ll be shocked. I had the stupid feeling of “wait…maybe I don’t have an eating disorder cuz I wasn’t skinny enough”. Whatever. That’s surely ED talking.
I know I owe you an apology for what I have put you through. I have more to think on it though because I really did put you through a lot. How do you apologize for such extremes? I know actions speak louder than words…..one way I can say I am sorry is to maintain a weight. Any weight. Even if it’s this higher weight. I want to maintain something. Okay, maybe NOT at this weight but at my “medium” weight….that a goal of mine now. Wow…a realistic weight goal. For the first time ever. I should be proud of myself. But there is a lot of guilt related to that. I am going to work on that guilt. I don’t know what the guilt is about. But wow…for the first time ever I really have some numbers to go by. Hell, I am almost excited. Could it be that this is not about losing the weight for the first time ever too but rather maintaining a reasonable goal that allows flexibility? This needs to go down in history. Sounds so simple to the non eating disordered person but so complex to us with eds. I can do this. Wow.
Thank you body for posting your chart and making me think on this. I know I need to give you a formal apology for abusing you the way that I have. Like I said, actions speak louder than words and maintaining a number within a few lbs for a good length of time will probably be the biggest thing I can do. I’m tired of listening to myself make promises too and not sticking with them. Wow, this really isn’t about losing weight right now. It’s about maintaining. Where ever my weight falls (I still hoping between the mediums) I want to maintain.
Do you know it’s been like 2 weeks since I’ve followed my food plan? Perhaps a little under at times, but overall I haven’t overeaten or binged or gone outside my “grey areas”….I should chart out what my grey areas are. Maybe in time. Anyways, I feel like I love you right now. That’s different too because I don’t know if I have felt that way before really. Maybe I thought I have when I’ve been really thin but never at this weight. Good stuff here. Yeah!
March 23, 2010
3.23.10 Dear XXX
March 16, 2010
Dear Body
3.16.10
Dear Body,
Ironic that you wrote me a letter today. That was right before my husband had his “talk” with me about my eating disorder and my teeth. It seems that I have an $800.00 appointment coming up to fix my cavities and broken teeth. Basically, he has had it with this issue. Basically, I for THE FIRST TIME just linked my teeth problems to my eating disorder. I know “they” always talk about your teeth with your eating disorder but I never put myself into “THAT” category. See, I’m a bulimic, but non-purging type. I thought….no purging, no teeth issues (due to purging). What I have never, EVER (I still can’t believe that I’m linking this after all these years) have put together was that I binge in the middle of the night often and don’t brush. My husband is always saying, I don’t understand your teeth issues and how many cavities you get if you are brushing 1-2 times a day….I just figured I am brushing my teeth daily and flossing too so I’m doing the best I can. But what about all those middle of the night binges and/or eating? I’m not brushing after those and the food sits on my teeth. Once again, hence the cavities! Duh. I know, know, know this sounds just too common-sense to just be understanding this now…at the age of 40… but honest to God, I haven’t thought of it that way. The dentist keeps saying, “what IS it that keeps deteriorating your teeth?” My answer was always, “I don’t know..I brush and floss”. OMG.
Well, I am in just such major shock and feel this is the kick that I may need. I definitely chose which road to turn tonight. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and am just astonished that I have to admit this to him. Hell, do I have to admit this to my dentist too? Probably. I don’t know if I am ready to discuss it with my dentist and explain it.
My husband said to me in our talk that I don’t listen to him. Or to anyone that is trying to help me. That I only will do it my way and that way hasn’t been working for all these years. Wow…my husband actually got through to me. I need my therapist to get together with my whole team and sit me down and basically do an intervention with me. That’s what I need to kick this. My husband was enough and yes, I felt some shame. Not from him…from me. I need to hear the damage I’ve done by everyone else’s eyes who has worked with me. I’m not really sure who my team is since I work with a lot of therapists but they’ve all known me for years now and I’m going to suggest to my therapist tomorrow that they all sit me down in one room and “discuss” with me their thoughts on me with my eating disorder. Damn…this is what I need.
Hang in there body….I think good things are coming our way. Looks like I’m going to be shit-kicked in the ass to shake the rest of ED away from me. I know me…I know myself and I know what’s going to work. Wow…my eyes are wide open from this experience. Unreal.
Love, XXX
Dear Body,
Ironic that you wrote me a letter today. That was right before my husband had his “talk” with me about my eating disorder and my teeth. It seems that I have an $800.00 appointment coming up to fix my cavities and broken teeth. Basically, he has had it with this issue. Basically, I for THE FIRST TIME just linked my teeth problems to my eating disorder. I know “they” always talk about your teeth with your eating disorder but I never put myself into “THAT” category. See, I’m a bulimic, but non-purging type. I thought….no purging, no teeth issues (due to purging). What I have never, EVER (I still can’t believe that I’m linking this after all these years) have put together was that I binge in the middle of the night often and don’t brush. My husband is always saying, I don’t understand your teeth issues and how many cavities you get if you are brushing 1-2 times a day….I just figured I am brushing my teeth daily and flossing too so I’m doing the best I can. But what about all those middle of the night binges and/or eating? I’m not brushing after those and the food sits on my teeth. Once again, hence the cavities! Duh. I know, know, know this sounds just too common-sense to just be understanding this now…at the age of 40… but honest to God, I haven’t thought of it that way. The dentist keeps saying, “what IS it that keeps deteriorating your teeth?” My answer was always, “I don’t know..I brush and floss”. OMG.
Well, I am in just such major shock and feel this is the kick that I may need. I definitely chose which road to turn tonight. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and am just astonished that I have to admit this to him. Hell, do I have to admit this to my dentist too? Probably. I don’t know if I am ready to discuss it with my dentist and explain it.
My husband said to me in our talk that I don’t listen to him. Or to anyone that is trying to help me. That I only will do it my way and that way hasn’t been working for all these years. Wow…my husband actually got through to me. I need my therapist to get together with my whole team and sit me down and basically do an intervention with me. That’s what I need to kick this. My husband was enough and yes, I felt some shame. Not from him…from me. I need to hear the damage I’ve done by everyone else’s eyes who has worked with me. I’m not really sure who my team is since I work with a lot of therapists but they’ve all known me for years now and I’m going to suggest to my therapist tomorrow that they all sit me down in one room and “discuss” with me their thoughts on me with my eating disorder. Damn…this is what I need.
Hang in there body….I think good things are coming our way. Looks like I’m going to be shit-kicked in the ass to shake the rest of ED away from me. I know me…I know myself and I know what’s going to work. Wow…my eyes are wide open from this experience. Unreal.
Love, XXX
March 15, 2010
Dear XXX,
It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. I notice you are in your normal “freak out that it’s spring time”. I also notice that you have been spending this last week sleeping more than normal, eating more than normal and just depressed acting. However, you have been working out. This leads me to believe that ED is involved here somewhere. I know your thoughts are crossing between wanting to binge and wanting to totally restrict. And what was that thought about doing a 30 day colon cleanse? IT’S ED GETTING TO YOU! Do NOT listen and just do “the next right thing”. I know you are in the middle of thoughts on which road to take. Only you can make the decision. Before you make any decisions, think about what you really want to do.
I want to congratulate you on doing your first 5K race. And you did it before you said you were going to. See what I can accomplish if you just work with me? In order to do another race, you need to train right, which means you need to eat right and sleep right. I can see you bending toward one road when it’s the other you need to take.
Please take care of me and write me soon. I miss talking to you.
Love, Your Body
It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. I notice you are in your normal “freak out that it’s spring time”. I also notice that you have been spending this last week sleeping more than normal, eating more than normal and just depressed acting. However, you have been working out. This leads me to believe that ED is involved here somewhere. I know your thoughts are crossing between wanting to binge and wanting to totally restrict. And what was that thought about doing a 30 day colon cleanse? IT’S ED GETTING TO YOU! Do NOT listen and just do “the next right thing”. I know you are in the middle of thoughts on which road to take. Only you can make the decision. Before you make any decisions, think about what you really want to do.
I want to congratulate you on doing your first 5K race. And you did it before you said you were going to. See what I can accomplish if you just work with me? In order to do another race, you need to train right, which means you need to eat right and sleep right. I can see you bending toward one road when it’s the other you need to take.
Please take care of me and write me soon. I miss talking to you.
Love, Your Body
February 26, 2010
2.25.10 Dear XXX
Dear XXX,
I have been quiet, but there is something I want to say to you right now. I want you to try to practice Radical Acceptance on the size of me. Think “Everything should be as it is” You’re right here, right now and I am meant to be this size right now. Perhaps for a lesson that you need to learn with ED.
“Everything is as it should be”. Accept this in your mind/heart/body. Accept this by starting to let go. Let it go in your hands, arms, chest, back, legs, calves and feet.
You can’t change something you can’t accept.
If you want to change me, you need to accept me as I am right now. Right now I am meant to be this size.
It is what it is. You are okay the way you are.
You can change me by practicing willingness by doing just what is needed. Going for your workout, eating your meal plan, by not overeating or binging, by being nice to me, going to bed at night, showing gratitude and thanking God for what you have.
If you listen very carefully to your wise-mind and act from your inner-self you’ll know what to do.
It works when you work it. It really does. Do what ever will bring you peace. Try to tolerate your distress about me. Let go of fighting reality. I am the size I am and it really is okay. I am meant to be this size right now. Tolerate the moment. Acknowledge what is.
Every time you try to accept me, willfulness shows up and stops you from accepting me. Turn your mind and make a inner commitment to accept me. It will turn you towards a road. There will be a fork in the road. It IS a choice.
To accept me does not mean you will stay at this weight. It does not mean you give up. It is not self defeat. It doesn’t mean it won’t change. What it means is you will find peace if you let yourself go completely with what is. It is what it is and you are okay. You are enough. You aren’t too much. You are exactly the way you are meant to be right now.
I love you,
Your Body
I have been quiet, but there is something I want to say to you right now. I want you to try to practice Radical Acceptance on the size of me. Think “Everything should be as it is” You’re right here, right now and I am meant to be this size right now. Perhaps for a lesson that you need to learn with ED.
“Everything is as it should be”. Accept this in your mind/heart/body. Accept this by starting to let go. Let it go in your hands, arms, chest, back, legs, calves and feet.
You can’t change something you can’t accept.
If you want to change me, you need to accept me as I am right now. Right now I am meant to be this size.
It is what it is. You are okay the way you are.
You can change me by practicing willingness by doing just what is needed. Going for your workout, eating your meal plan, by not overeating or binging, by being nice to me, going to bed at night, showing gratitude and thanking God for what you have.
If you listen very carefully to your wise-mind and act from your inner-self you’ll know what to do.
It works when you work it. It really does. Do what ever will bring you peace. Try to tolerate your distress about me. Let go of fighting reality. I am the size I am and it really is okay. I am meant to be this size right now. Tolerate the moment. Acknowledge what is.
Every time you try to accept me, willfulness shows up and stops you from accepting me. Turn your mind and make a inner commitment to accept me. It will turn you towards a road. There will be a fork in the road. It IS a choice.
To accept me does not mean you will stay at this weight. It does not mean you give up. It is not self defeat. It doesn’t mean it won’t change. What it means is you will find peace if you let yourself go completely with what is. It is what it is and you are okay. You are enough. You aren’t too much. You are exactly the way you are meant to be right now.
I love you,
Your Body
February 23, 2010
Dear Body,
Well, you’ve been quiet in your responses to me. I don’t think you are mad at me but you haven’t wanted to talk to me at all. Maybe you are just as tired as I am of doing this same dance over and over again. I understand. I hope you speak to me soon…it’s a little uncomfortable with you being quiet. I think you are waiting to see what I’m going to do, aren’t you? That’s okay….it’s your right to wait to talk. When it’s time you’ll say what you have to say. Guess I need to be patient. I’m feeling a little scared of why you aren’t talking to me. I’ve been nice to you lately so there’s not a whole lot to complain about is there? Of course I go to the negative. That’s what my husband would say I just did. I guess who knows…maybe you have nothing but praise for me. I’m pretty sure you are just waiting to see what I do in these next few days. This is usually my “time to mess it all up!” I’ve done well with the most part on just about all counts. A little slow in the exercise department, but still not too bad. Today is a “make it or break it” day…..I can tell. I’ll fall if I don’t do well…behave?......be nice? I am not sure what it is but if I’m not “up” on all categories of recovery I am not going to do well. I guess I haven’t gone to bed yet and it’s very, very late. That’s not good. Already self sabotaging my efforts. I’ll try to do some deeper recovery type of things to carry me over until tomorrow! Overall, I’m in a pretty dang good mood despite no sleep!Guess what I did tonight? I wrote my “story” of my ED. I can’t believe I actually wrote it and finished it. It was pretty healing for me. Maybe it just simplified things because I always feel like my ED is so complicated. Just like I think I am so complicated. But it really helped to write it out. I have been waiting forever to write my story. Waiting for what you ask? Well for me to be recovered. I just did a valuable lesson and learned that there really isn’t an “end” to my ED so if that’s what I’m waiting for, it’s never going to happen. I need to live in the NOW and not live in the past or the future. I didn’t know if I was going to post it but I’d like some feedback from you body. Here is goes. I am taking out most (but not all) names and places of people, places and numbers (except for ages and dates). Here it is:
I was only 3 years old when I wish that I could cut the fat off my little rounded, protruding tummy. That’s the age my body image issues started. As for the eating disorder itself I do not even know. Maybe around 15 or 16 for occasional bingeing and if not bingeing, then overeating. I was maybe 20 when I started restricting. My story is hard to tell for me. Not because of the details but because there are so many twists and turns in it.
This is what I remember in great detail during my childhood; having surgery on my bladder at the age of 3 and thinking that I had done something wrong and that was my punishment, my mother’s stomach, my mother standing at the refrigerator in the middle of the night binging on cottage cheese, my thighs, again my stomach, my mother counting calories and feeling very old for my age in kindergarten. I had already gone through so much more than my classmates had. I felt alone and very scared.
When I got a little bit older I can remember; my first diet at the age of 14, how much I weighed, how my body was different than my friends, gaining weight by eating the candy bars I was suppose to sell for cheerleading, trying to purge and breaking blood vessels in my eyes, being jealous of a previous friend who was clearly anorexic, counting my calories and feeling inadequate in all areas of my life. I was compared to my twin sister that excelled in school. School for me was a social thing and I didn’t apply myself at all. I always wonder how things would have been different if they had given me my diagnosis of ADD/ADHD in high school instead of when I was 30.
Around 19 or 20 I had broken up with a boyfriend and binged through the end of the relationship which resulted in a large weight gain. I decided to join weightwatchers and was very happy that I had consistently lost weight and got down to my goal weight. Which I stayed at for about a day. I couldn’t stop right from the start. Just as an alcoholic, which I am; couldn’t put down a drink; which I couldn’t do, I also couldn’t stop losing weight. Until I got scared. Then I’d try to gain a few lbs; which I did but couldn’t stop THAT until I hit the previous high weight. I did this over and over in record speed between my 20’s and 30’s. I went from disgusted at myself for a high weight to being scared for myself because I was anorexic. I did the cycle probably about 4 times a year or so, maybe more. I couldn’t get off the roller-coaster ride. My problem went undiagnosed, even from a doctor who asked me if it bothered me that I wasn’t getting my period. My favorite excuse to anyone, especially myself was…I’m only 5 fool 1 ½ inches tall. I could be at a very low weight and still fall in the guidelines for normal weight or slightly underweight. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t getting my period or bones were sticking out…I fell into the “healthy” weight on “the” charts. My body was never meant to be at the low end of those weight charts. I could never get low enough in weight to satisfy me.
Things started clicking for me that I had a eating disorder when my best friend’s little sister asked me bluntly, “Are you on drugs or just an anorexic?” I was shocked but her words made an impression on me. It didn’t stop me from using any behaviors…I was merely becoming aware that I had a eating disorder. I continued my up and down weight while I met my first husband. He loved it when I was in my anorexic stages and withheld love when I wasn’t looking what he considered was my best. I went through a bitter, horrible divorce when he walked out on me and literally skipped the state. It doesn’t just happen in the movies…it was happening in my own life. At the exact same time many horrible events started to unfold. Between May 1998 and May 1999, these events happened; my husband at the time walked out on me and fled the state of Minnesota leaving me unknown to his whereabouts; I lost my job; my Dad died; My truck that was repossessed; I was forced to file bankruptcy; my husband filed for divorce, my husband tried to sue me for filing bankruptcy which has never been done in the state of Minnesota, BUT that’s a whole different story in itself, and the little apartment that my mother embarrassingly had to co-sign for went up in flames, literally and I lost every piece of everything I had, which I had no renters insurance for. But considering they told me I was minutes away from possibly dying from smoke inhalation put losing all my possessions into perspective for me. Basically I had lost everything I ever had. I was so low that I didn’t know if I was going to ever get up again. I was so scared that God was putting me through all of this drama to get me ready for “something” bigger and I couldn’t handle bigger. That was a lot to go through in a one year time span. It took me at least 2 years before I could even function in society. I was certainly a mess and I certainly used restricting and drinking alcohol as a coping mechanism, not to mention smoking 2 packs a day during this time. I liked how drinking dehydrated me and always after a night of heavy drinking with no food my pants was always loose on me and I craved that feeling. I was certainly quite the mess during this time. I was in so much pain emotionally that I don’t know how I survived. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other and with panic attacks and all, I managed to get to a place in my life where every living minute wasn’t filled with pain. It took me many years to get there. I remember my first smile I had after a few years with no real laughter. I was driving home from work listening to Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline and when they get to the part that goes, “good times never been so good”…I smiled a REAL smile. It was a break through moment for me. Many good things happened to me during those “sad” years but I just couldn’t feel any joy. I did make some wise decisions though. I had met my NOW 2nd husband at the job I was working and KNEW there was no way that he was going to fall for me like I already had for him under these self sabotaged conditions that I had put myself into. By the Grace of God, I quit drinking. I was also going a outpatient program which I had started going to in 1997. I started dating XXX (my husband) and I was starting my life over. I had come far in the few years and was complimented by close friends how I was a true survivor. I had grown closer on my journey with my relationship with God during “those” years and with quitting my 2 pack a day habit, now I was starting to build a foundation for myself. Sounds good but I was also purely using my eating disorder as not only a coping mechanism but it was my fun, it was what I knew and could do well, the low weight made me feel important and I got attention. Most of it was unwanted attention because I always hated how people came out of the woodwork when I was thinner. I hated hearing “wow, you look good” when I knew I was actually battling an addiction that I couldn’t control. Rumors started at work about me which made me self conscious. I guess they weren’t rumors….when it was the truth. I WAS the girl in the license bureau who was anorexic. I wanted to be thin for me…not for anyone else and my weight would usually result in a small gain when the attention got too much. I also was scaring myself getting my weight to where I wanted it. I was, or thought I was in total control. Between the ages of 29-34 I did my “pattern” of gaining weigh only once or twice each year and I mainly stayed at a low weight.
At the age of 34 I happily got pregnant and did a shotgun wedding when I was 4 months along. I was sooo happy. I was having the baby I always wanted with the man that I so desperately wanted and needed in my life. Life was good. What a turn around from the previous 5 years. Life was what I wanted although I was anxious as hell. While I was pregnant I was so anxious and mostly binged and overate to self medicate. I watched the scales rise once I let the nurses start weighing me for fear that something may be wrong with my daughter. I gained a very, very large amount of weight. I stopped weighing near the end so I don’t know what the actual total was but it was a lot. Then it took me approximately the 10 weeks I was off of work on maternity leave to lose it all in record time by restricting and starving myself. I had to get rid of the weight because I could not handle feeling the way I was feeling. Once I got the weight off I relaxed a lot and for the first time ever I ate with not using eating disorder symptoms. I intuitively ate and it felt good and was very freeing. For about a whole year I was able to do this. Around xxx’s first birthday I had gained a little bit of weight and fear set in. I could NOT do another round of the up and down game. I think I may have been going through some postpartum depression and quite sure that my body was giving in from going through a rough pregnancy and delivery and the starvation that followed. I started to sink again with fear of being a mother and fear of gaining weight. One thing lead to another and next thing you knew I was in Arizona going through a 30 program at XXX. It was tough and when I came back I sincerely tried to eat. But I was angry for gaining weight, which was barely anything, and my team for refusing to tell me my weight in treatment. I had to take matter into my own hands again. I lost what I had gained plus some and then just continued to be in group and tried hard to recover. I really did want recovery by this time. I was tired of playing my never ending game. One really good thing came out of going to XXX. I started attending Eating Disorders Anonymous meetings. It was such a homey comfy feeling like I got when I went to AA meeting that I knew I had to start a meeting in Minnesota since we had NOTHING for support groups 3 or 4 years ago. My friend XXX and I started meetings at her house every Sunday night and then eventually moved the meeting to a nearby church. I got and continue to get a certain type of support from attending the meetings that I don’t get from going to professionals. Starting EDA was one of the best things I have ever done. Now I serve as xxx of the General Service Board of EDA and continue to use service work as a means of recovery. I learned in my early days of quitting drinking that you really have to give away what you’ve got in order to keep it. At least for me it works. In fact most of the AA slogans work well for me….ones like “take what you can and leave the rest” and “it works when you work it…it really does” gives me a sense of responsibility that I have for my recovery as well as staying in my disease whether it’s a eating disorder or drinking.
Then I don’t know what happened but when my daughter was almost 3 years old I had a lot of flashbacks to when I was in the hospital when I was 3 having bladder surgery and I think I just lost it completely thinking of my own precious little daughter going through what I went through. I don’t remember much over the course of a few days but apparently, I called my therapist like 15 times in a row one night and for some odd reason he put a 72 hour hold on me. It was a total nightmare and I’m still trying to deal with all the details of it because I don’t remember and don’t really want to. But I was locked up for 10 days at xxx Hospital on the psych-ward. To boot, I was in the “side for dangerous people”. Not proud moments for me. I won’t even go into detail about it because I am still shocked at myself that I was acting that way. Of course many traumatic things happened in there but the worst in my opinion was when one of the doctors said to me about my eating disorder – “you’re not THAT thin”. Maybe the fact a doctor was talking to me so unprofessional snapped me out of “it” because I was only there a few more days after his comment. It was horrible in every way but a very good thing came out of it. They put me on a anti-psychotic medication that has changed my life drastically for the better. I doubt they would have ever put me on a anti-psychotic if I wasn’t acting psychotic so it all turned out okay. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Anyways, I eventually forgave my therapist, forgave my husband, and forgave myself. I still have a hard time talking about those events those 2 weeks. I still don’t understand what happened. And I’m scared shitless that it could happen again.
Part of my aftercare was to be in IOP and groups and continue to go to EDA meetings. Shortly after I got out of xxx Hospital, I started to restrict during the day and then binge at in the middle of the night. Usually I don’t remember much of it, but in the morning I have the sinking feeling of “what did I do last night?” Funny, just like I did with drinking. My binging at night on top of eating a normal food plan resulted in a big weight gain for me. That was little over 2 years ago. I binged at night and restricted during the day. My eating disorder had totally morphed into something else now. I was diagnosed with Bulimia, non purging type. Now typically I have never purged in all my eating disorder years because it felt like too violent of an act on my body but I was so freaked out about weight that I did the unthinkable. I purged. I think it was the next day I went into my therapist’s office and said, “I need help”. I was sent to the XXX House for 30 days. It was extremely hard to leave my daughter and husband to get treatment but I couldn’t go on anymore. I had a very good experience while I stayed at the house. I was able to break through some barriers and close some doors as well as quitting the horrendous cycle of restricting then binging in the middle of the night. I told my mom and sisters for the first time ever about my eating disorder. Of course they still say everything wrong but I am happy I told them for my own sake. I am done hiding. I am starting to be proud of myself and proud to be me. I have a husband who truly loves me regardless of what my weight is and fully supports me in every way imaginable. I opened up to my stepson about the eating disorder too. I’m tired of secrets and have spent the same amount of energy protecting my recovery as I did protecting my eating disorder and alcoholism. In all honesty, I still protect my alcoholism. I am not sure where I want to go with that. I don’t have a problem talking about it to others in recovery at all but outside of that I feel that is private. My Dad died of Cirrhosis of the Liver due to his alcoholism and I’d like to think that I silently ended a destructive pattern that ran in our family. That’s not based on shame but rather not wanting to bring energy to it.
Back to the XXX House…that was last May through June and the recovery that I have made since then has become the final stretch. All though I am still working on things and honestly trying to lose the weight that I haven’t been able to lose the last 2 years I am the happiest I think I have ever been which is ironic that I am the heaviest that I’ve ever been. I started a blog of writing letters to my body and ED and vice versa. That is perhaps one of the best tools that I have encountered in my career of therapy/groups and treatments. Some other recovery tools that have significantly helped me have been putting my baby picture up on my bathroom mirror and every time I see my picture I say something nice to that little innocent beautiful baby. I’ve been doing that for 3 years now and it’s really made a dent into healing early childhood traumas and hurts. The last one, is trying to end the fat talk. I still go in spurts of doing this but I have been very aware of how I talk to myself and the relationship that I am trying to grow with myself. I don’t want to be mean to myself anymore. I want to love who I am which has nothing to do with weight. Yep, 13 years of coming to the outpatient program and almost every form of therapy to be able to say that one sentence out loud. In case you didn’t hear me, it has nothing to do with my weight! I can honestly say that all though I may not LOVE myself quite yet, I don’t hate myself either. And that’s made all the difference in the world.
So, what did you think? It felt good and it flowed out of me (us) and just felt healing. I’m glad that I did it. I *might* read it out loud in front of my therapist tomorrow at our therapy session. At least I’ll tell him about it. I feel exposed but in a good way. This was a good thing to do on Eating Disorders Awareness Week, don’t you think? I’m proud of myself! I rock.
Love, XXX
February 17, 2010
2.17.10 Dear Body
Dear Body.
I have been very angry for awhile and haven’t written you. Good news though…I’m not made AT you. For the first time, perhaps ever, I realize that I have misdirected my behavior when I’ve been angry about the weight issues. I guess I also need to be a tad bit more compassionate with myself. Perhaps a tad bit angrier with ED. Although, I’m not paying much attention to ED these days, I still find ED trying to sneak in. He gets in a little, prances around but really isn’t holding the power over me at all. This week I have noticed ED a bit more. I’m sure there are weeks that are better than the others with him. Still, I’m holding my own against him! Enough energy already spent talking about ED…done. But it’s exciting news that I’m not angry AT you. It’s not really me either that I’m mad at…who the hell am I mad at? What wasted energy. Anyways…I had a therapy appt. today. Told my therapist that I’m in a “new challenge” with a team mate *(aka: another therapy client!). We are doing 30 days of no symptom use. I have to define what symptom use is for me…it means not binging and not restricting. Over eating is a grey area and I’ll know when I cross that. It means working out (cardio 4-6x’s week and lifting/strength 3 days a week). This is only for 30 days so I am tracking this as well as journaling and trying to see patterns. It means journaling my gratitude’s and regrets. My therapist said to me, “you’re a good person XXX”. He must see that I don’t see it myself. Journaling my gratitude’s already helped me out. I was a really good mommy yesterday. One of those “gave my kid good attention, everyone was happy, got kid in the tub and did homework” kind of days that I felt good about! This definitely helps me define myself into something that doesn’t deal with food/exercise to feel good about.
I am doing a lot of rambling but I am kind of excited to see if I can find a new pattern or something that will help me along. If weights comes off…then cool.
Love, XXX
I have been very angry for awhile and haven’t written you. Good news though…I’m not made AT you. For the first time, perhaps ever, I realize that I have misdirected my behavior when I’ve been angry about the weight issues. I guess I also need to be a tad bit more compassionate with myself. Perhaps a tad bit angrier with ED. Although, I’m not paying much attention to ED these days, I still find ED trying to sneak in. He gets in a little, prances around but really isn’t holding the power over me at all. This week I have noticed ED a bit more. I’m sure there are weeks that are better than the others with him. Still, I’m holding my own against him! Enough energy already spent talking about ED…done. But it’s exciting news that I’m not angry AT you. It’s not really me either that I’m mad at…who the hell am I mad at? What wasted energy. Anyways…I had a therapy appt. today. Told my therapist that I’m in a “new challenge” with a team mate *(aka: another therapy client!). We are doing 30 days of no symptom use. I have to define what symptom use is for me…it means not binging and not restricting. Over eating is a grey area and I’ll know when I cross that. It means working out (cardio 4-6x’s week and lifting/strength 3 days a week). This is only for 30 days so I am tracking this as well as journaling and trying to see patterns. It means journaling my gratitude’s and regrets. My therapist said to me, “you’re a good person XXX”. He must see that I don’t see it myself. Journaling my gratitude’s already helped me out. I was a really good mommy yesterday. One of those “gave my kid good attention, everyone was happy, got kid in the tub and did homework” kind of days that I felt good about! This definitely helps me define myself into something that doesn’t deal with food/exercise to feel good about.
I am doing a lot of rambling but I am kind of excited to see if I can find a new pattern or something that will help me along. If weights comes off…then cool.
Love, XXX
February 11, 2010
Dear Body,
I’m just disgusted at myself. I think I am the highest weight I have ever been. I had a bad, bad week of eating a lot of food and not working out and not being nice to you in thoughts or actions. My first response was anger towards you. I think I want to take it out on someone and who better to take it out than to take it out on you? I know that is not what I am suppose to do, but I am mad, damn it. I did it all myself. Alright….okay, it’s me..not you. I really shouldn’t be getting mad at you. I’m not sure what my response should be….should I be mad at myself instead? Okay…try compassion. I just don’t feel any compassion for myself. I’m tired of doing the same thing over and over again. I’m panicky. I’m confuse and overwhelmed. I just want to be skinny again. I shouldn’t say skinny, I should say healthy. I really want to be the best me I can be. That includes my weight. And I’m soooo not there. I’m in fact far away from there and actually frightened about it. I’m slightly scared of my health being at this weight. I know my cholesterol has been up. My weight is up. The doctor told me to lose weight. AND I am NOT going to have a discussion with a health professional that doesn’t know about ED’s. Yes, he told me “I don’t look like I have an ED”. Regardless, he also told me to lose weight so obviously he knows nothing about people with eating disorders. Anyways….I’m maybe not disgusted at myself rather, I’m scared. I may not have the compassion for me but at least I just untwisted my thoughts into what is real. And what is real is that I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not going to lose weight. I am scared that my shin splints won’t ever heal and prevent me from doing my 5k and I’ll fail on that goal. I’m scared of my health. I’m scared to talk to my doctor about my health because I don’t want him to conflict me with talking about losing weight…..even though that’s what I really want to do. Damn it. I’m confused and scared….at least I’m not disgusted at myself anymore. That feels better. But what does that accomplish? Does it really accomplish anything that I’m a tad more gentle on myself? I don’t know. Maybe it accomplishes something and I just can’t see it. It did shift my attitude. A little. Damn, I have a headache.
Love, XXX
I’m just disgusted at myself. I think I am the highest weight I have ever been. I had a bad, bad week of eating a lot of food and not working out and not being nice to you in thoughts or actions. My first response was anger towards you. I think I want to take it out on someone and who better to take it out than to take it out on you? I know that is not what I am suppose to do, but I am mad, damn it. I did it all myself. Alright….okay, it’s me..not you. I really shouldn’t be getting mad at you. I’m not sure what my response should be….should I be mad at myself instead? Okay…try compassion. I just don’t feel any compassion for myself. I’m tired of doing the same thing over and over again. I’m panicky. I’m confuse and overwhelmed. I just want to be skinny again. I shouldn’t say skinny, I should say healthy. I really want to be the best me I can be. That includes my weight. And I’m soooo not there. I’m in fact far away from there and actually frightened about it. I’m slightly scared of my health being at this weight. I know my cholesterol has been up. My weight is up. The doctor told me to lose weight. AND I am NOT going to have a discussion with a health professional that doesn’t know about ED’s. Yes, he told me “I don’t look like I have an ED”. Regardless, he also told me to lose weight so obviously he knows nothing about people with eating disorders. Anyways….I’m maybe not disgusted at myself rather, I’m scared. I may not have the compassion for me but at least I just untwisted my thoughts into what is real. And what is real is that I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not going to lose weight. I am scared that my shin splints won’t ever heal and prevent me from doing my 5k and I’ll fail on that goal. I’m scared of my health. I’m scared to talk to my doctor about my health because I don’t want him to conflict me with talking about losing weight…..even though that’s what I really want to do. Damn it. I’m confused and scared….at least I’m not disgusted at myself anymore. That feels better. But what does that accomplish? Does it really accomplish anything that I’m a tad more gentle on myself? I don’t know. Maybe it accomplishes something and I just can’t see it. It did shift my attitude. A little. Damn, I have a headache.
Love, XXX
February 8, 2010
2.09.10 Dear XXX
Dear XXX,
Hey…time to get with it and quit the fat talk and start eating right and start exercising. I’ve waited all week long for you to turn things around without me saying something to you, but now I’ve got to say something. You are self-sabotaging yourself (again). Why? What are you trying to accomplish by doing this? Why aren’t you loving me? I feel sad and distant from you. I am not yelling at you but I am being stern with you because you’ve been on that road far too long. I love you and want you to be happy. This is not going to make you happy if you continue what you are doing. In fact you aren’t happy. Listen to me! Listen to your body….really, if you do, I’ll make you happy. Don’t keep taking the reigns into your own hands because when you do you aren’t happy. I want you to be happy. I promise you that you’ll be happy if you listen to me. I’m not mad…I’m just telling ya like it is. You have a few hours today while xxx is in school…have a good workout and get back on track today.
You tried really hard not to do your fat talk that you do this last week…but you still managed to get it in. Please try not to do that as it makes me sad. Love me…say good things about me.
Love, Your Body
Hey…time to get with it and quit the fat talk and start eating right and start exercising. I’ve waited all week long for you to turn things around without me saying something to you, but now I’ve got to say something. You are self-sabotaging yourself (again). Why? What are you trying to accomplish by doing this? Why aren’t you loving me? I feel sad and distant from you. I am not yelling at you but I am being stern with you because you’ve been on that road far too long. I love you and want you to be happy. This is not going to make you happy if you continue what you are doing. In fact you aren’t happy. Listen to me! Listen to your body….really, if you do, I’ll make you happy. Don’t keep taking the reigns into your own hands because when you do you aren’t happy. I want you to be happy. I promise you that you’ll be happy if you listen to me. I’m not mad…I’m just telling ya like it is. You have a few hours today while xxx is in school…have a good workout and get back on track today.
You tried really hard not to do your fat talk that you do this last week…but you still managed to get it in. Please try not to do that as it makes me sad. Love me…say good things about me.
Love, Your Body
February 2, 2010
2.2.10 Dear Body
Dear Body,
I want to complain and bitch about the fricken 2 lbs I gained. But I am CHOOSING not to put my energy there. That’s where my mind wants to go, but I am going to redirect it. ED is screaming at me to listen but I’m choosing to ignore him.
I have been looking on the internet for “questions to ask your self about (self esteem, self acceptance, etc.)…” Just trying to find something positive to focus on instead of going to the weight/food/numbers/body, etc. I found 15 things to think about every day…I’m going to go over them one by one (taken from: http://www.lyved.com/life/15-things-to-think-about-everyday/) and see if I can find some insight or at least change my direction of thinking…I know this is suppose to be something I think about everyday but let me see if I can even answer everything even right now, let alone every day…The challenge is to try to not include weight as part of this.
1. The things you’re grateful to have
Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.
I am so grateful for my family. I have always wanted my own family and I genuinely am thankful for my husband, daughter and stepson. I feel lucky.
2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have
Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.
I am greatful that I don’t have cancer. That disease scares me and I am just grateful that I don’t have it.
3. What you want to do today
Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.
I want to get my run in and follow my 5k training plan. I will get up, go to my therapy appointment and then hit the gym on my way back. I also want to start lifting (did today!) so I can feel strong. I will need to pull out my lifting schedule from previous years.
4. What the future holds
Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.
Tomorrow holds for me a day of inner peace. Next month holds for me, a stronger body due to my training. The next five years will hold being a active mom in my child’s schooling.
5. Think about one of your fears
We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.
That I will not lose my extra weight. (okay, had to go there!)
6. Think of a way to face that fear
Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.
Realize that even if I don’t lose my extra weight I am loveable and acceptable just the way I am right now without changing anything about me.
7. One new thing you’d like to do
Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.
Hmmm, good question. I’d like to run my first 5k ever. I’d like to write a book. I’d like to get involved with XXX kindergarten class next year. Something new I’d like to try is to meditate every night for 30 days. I’d like to read my crave book.
8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday
Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.
Putting some dates into my planner. Putting my clothes away. Cleaning the office. Start getting XXX’s room ready for painting. I will look at this list tomorrow and do them.
9. Your greatest qualities
Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.
I have a great ambition to change lives, I have an outgoing personality and get along great with most people, I am loyal, I really do care a lot about others. I love to be silly. I’m deep down a positive person (with negative output, lol). I’m always willing to try. I don’t give up (both greatest and worst quality, lol).
10. What you don’t like about yourself
We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.
I have a low self esteem and low self worth. Also I procrastinate.
11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself
Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.
I can say positive affirmations daily and BELIEVE them. (I’ll make a list for myself) I can go to the extreme and tell myself that I am hot!( lol *a previous inpatient experiment that I’ll blog about one day.)
I need to just “do it” without thinking so I don’t procrastinate.
12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter
Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them. Maybe buy a coworker just because. Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.
Ask myself on how can I make Steve’s day happier. Ask myself how I can make Madison’s day happier. Ask myself how I can make at least one member of my family’s day happier. THEN DO IT.
13. Your life goals
You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.
To run my first 5k race.
14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation
Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.
I really want to go to the weight stuff right now but I’ll try to think of something else…hmmm, I made a bad decision but tonight I tried to correct it. I can get motivated by “doing the next right thing”.
15. You only have one life
Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.
If I only have one shot at life, then I want to be happy and find inner peace. I want to do what ever it takes to find peace on the inside…..that means accepting my body where I am. Okay, I know I wasn’t going to go there but the inner turmoil is so bad when it comes to my body image that I need to focus on accepting my body where it is, how it is, right now!
Okay, so I failed on the not talking about weight/body/numbers, etc but it’s relevant I think. Like I’ve said, my exercise is fine (with the occasional not doing it long enough or letting too many days go in between) and I’m fine that I’m training for my first ever 5k because it’s a small accomplishable and attainable goal for me (but having to push myself). I really need to focus on thinking that I’m enough just the way I am right now without changing anything. This is so hard to believe! At the same time I need to focus on that I’m not too much and won’t push people away by just being me. Such extremes. I need to focus that I’m lovable, likeable, worthy of good things. I really am letting go of this eating disorder. It’s quite amazing. The more I talk about this all, the better it is for me. The more I’m letting go of my ED. I can see ED on the sidelines screaming at me but I’m just going to ignore him. He’ll quiet down after awhile. He doesn’t need to be a distraction to me any longer. I think I’ve finally put a final piece of recovery together for myself. I realize that in MY recovery, ED may never leave and may always be present but I can fully recover with him still there in the corner of my mind. My therapist and I were talking about how it’s like the movie “A beautiful mind” and the guy still saw “the people or the voices” in the corner of his mind but he learned how to ignore them and carry on with life without paying them attention. That’s SO it for me with my eating disorder. I think I was just waiting for the ED to totally leave me and my mind and I couldn’t understand why he was not leaving. I haven’t paid him much attention for quite awhile and can literally see him screaming, trying to get my attention but I am learning how to ignore him when he’s flailing his arms ranting and raving. I see him out of the corner of my eye but I can’t really hear him much anymore. He’s managed to come back into tune in unexpected moments. I’m still learning on those types of moments. Like over the weekend when we were out of town at a friend’s house. Those moments throw me off but if I planned out my meals and vision what my day will look like, I should be able to maneuver my way around so I can still ignore ED. It’s still a learning practice but I’m getting better at it.
Boy…this helped me tremendously. Yea!
I want to complain and bitch about the fricken 2 lbs I gained. But I am CHOOSING not to put my energy there. That’s where my mind wants to go, but I am going to redirect it. ED is screaming at me to listen but I’m choosing to ignore him.
I have been looking on the internet for “questions to ask your self about (self esteem, self acceptance, etc.)…” Just trying to find something positive to focus on instead of going to the weight/food/numbers/body, etc. I found 15 things to think about every day…I’m going to go over them one by one (taken from: http://www.lyved.com/life/15-things-to-think-about-everyday/) and see if I can find some insight or at least change my direction of thinking…I know this is suppose to be something I think about everyday but let me see if I can even answer everything even right now, let alone every day…The challenge is to try to not include weight as part of this.
1. The things you’re grateful to have
Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.
I am so grateful for my family. I have always wanted my own family and I genuinely am thankful for my husband, daughter and stepson. I feel lucky.
2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have
Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.
I am greatful that I don’t have cancer. That disease scares me and I am just grateful that I don’t have it.
3. What you want to do today
Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.
I want to get my run in and follow my 5k training plan. I will get up, go to my therapy appointment and then hit the gym on my way back. I also want to start lifting (did today!) so I can feel strong. I will need to pull out my lifting schedule from previous years.
4. What the future holds
Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.
Tomorrow holds for me a day of inner peace. Next month holds for me, a stronger body due to my training. The next five years will hold being a active mom in my child’s schooling.
5. Think about one of your fears
We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.
That I will not lose my extra weight. (okay, had to go there!)
6. Think of a way to face that fear
Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.
Realize that even if I don’t lose my extra weight I am loveable and acceptable just the way I am right now without changing anything about me.
7. One new thing you’d like to do
Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.
Hmmm, good question. I’d like to run my first 5k ever. I’d like to write a book. I’d like to get involved with XXX kindergarten class next year. Something new I’d like to try is to meditate every night for 30 days. I’d like to read my crave book.
8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday
Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.
Putting some dates into my planner. Putting my clothes away. Cleaning the office. Start getting XXX’s room ready for painting. I will look at this list tomorrow and do them.
9. Your greatest qualities
Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.
I have a great ambition to change lives, I have an outgoing personality and get along great with most people, I am loyal, I really do care a lot about others. I love to be silly. I’m deep down a positive person (with negative output, lol). I’m always willing to try. I don’t give up (both greatest and worst quality, lol).
10. What you don’t like about yourself
We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.
I have a low self esteem and low self worth. Also I procrastinate.
11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself
Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.
I can say positive affirmations daily and BELIEVE them. (I’ll make a list for myself) I can go to the extreme and tell myself that I am hot!( lol *a previous inpatient experiment that I’ll blog about one day.)
I need to just “do it” without thinking so I don’t procrastinate.
12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter
Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them. Maybe buy a coworker just because. Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.
Ask myself on how can I make Steve’s day happier. Ask myself how I can make Madison’s day happier. Ask myself how I can make at least one member of my family’s day happier. THEN DO IT.
13. Your life goals
You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.
To run my first 5k race.
14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation
Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.
I really want to go to the weight stuff right now but I’ll try to think of something else…hmmm, I made a bad decision but tonight I tried to correct it. I can get motivated by “doing the next right thing”.
15. You only have one life
Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.
If I only have one shot at life, then I want to be happy and find inner peace. I want to do what ever it takes to find peace on the inside…..that means accepting my body where I am. Okay, I know I wasn’t going to go there but the inner turmoil is so bad when it comes to my body image that I need to focus on accepting my body where it is, how it is, right now!
Okay, so I failed on the not talking about weight/body/numbers, etc but it’s relevant I think. Like I’ve said, my exercise is fine (with the occasional not doing it long enough or letting too many days go in between) and I’m fine that I’m training for my first ever 5k because it’s a small accomplishable and attainable goal for me (but having to push myself). I really need to focus on thinking that I’m enough just the way I am right now without changing anything. This is so hard to believe! At the same time I need to focus on that I’m not too much and won’t push people away by just being me. Such extremes. I need to focus that I’m lovable, likeable, worthy of good things. I really am letting go of this eating disorder. It’s quite amazing. The more I talk about this all, the better it is for me. The more I’m letting go of my ED. I can see ED on the sidelines screaming at me but I’m just going to ignore him. He’ll quiet down after awhile. He doesn’t need to be a distraction to me any longer. I think I’ve finally put a final piece of recovery together for myself. I realize that in MY recovery, ED may never leave and may always be present but I can fully recover with him still there in the corner of my mind. My therapist and I were talking about how it’s like the movie “A beautiful mind” and the guy still saw “the people or the voices” in the corner of his mind but he learned how to ignore them and carry on with life without paying them attention. That’s SO it for me with my eating disorder. I think I was just waiting for the ED to totally leave me and my mind and I couldn’t understand why he was not leaving. I haven’t paid him much attention for quite awhile and can literally see him screaming, trying to get my attention but I am learning how to ignore him when he’s flailing his arms ranting and raving. I see him out of the corner of my eye but I can’t really hear him much anymore. He’s managed to come back into tune in unexpected moments. I’m still learning on those types of moments. Like over the weekend when we were out of town at a friend’s house. Those moments throw me off but if I planned out my meals and vision what my day will look like, I should be able to maneuver my way around so I can still ignore ED. It’s still a learning practice but I’m getting better at it.
Boy…this helped me tremendously. Yea!
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